In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- The Kentucky Wildcats are national champions. Doron Lamb scored 22 points, including crucial back-to-back threes late in the game, as Kentucky held off Kansas for a 67-59 win. This is John Calipari’s first national title, and he told reporters he plans to enjoy it privately at home with his family, a couple close friends, and an elite squadron of the 50 best high school seniors in the country, dribbling in unison in the basement and chanting his name.
- The celebration in Lexington was immediate and wild, as one person was shot and several more arrested in the hours after the victory. The shooter was quickly acquitted, however, when it was proved that someone had got him “all riled up” on banjo pickin,’ the most common cause of violence in Kentucky. The banjoist was found and executed after a show trial.
- Major League Baseball suspended Indians pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez five games for beaning former teammate Troy Tulowitzki on the elbow. “I was aiming for his tongue,” said Jimenez. “I’ve always been curious about that. What happens when a baseball hits you on the tongue? I probably shouldn’t mention any of this in the appeal, right?”
- Sources report that the San Francisco Giants have agreed to a six-year, $127.5 million deal with Matt Cain that will make him the highest-paid right-handed pitcher in history. “Suck on that, Lefty Grove!” Cain whooped. A friend then whispered in his hear, and Cain frowned. “Ahhhh, now the name makes sense.”
- Joey Votto received an extension of his own from the Reds, worth $225 million over 10 years. The city of Cincinnati celebrated by having fast food wrappers blow in the wind along empty streets.
- Randy Foye scored 28 points as the L.A. Clippers earned their sixth straight win, beating Dallas 94-75. The game took an NBA record 5 hours and 42 minutes due to the fact that an equipment manager left the Mavericks’ hearing aids on the plane, and they kept playing well past the whistle.
- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that the decision on a Saints interim coach — whether or not it involves Bill Parcells — is up to the organization, not the NFL. “If it was up to me, I’d hire Mr. Bean,” said Goodell, apparently referring to the British humorist. “He’s hilarious! With his crazy faces, and the way he’s always falling down?! Imagine him on the sideline. Actually, you know what? It is up to me. I just made the rule. Someone write it up. Mr. Bean is the new Saints coach.”
- Flyers coach Peter Laviolette was fined $10,000 for publicly calling out Penguins coach Dan Bylsma for sending out a checking line to thug it up late in a 6-3 win Flyers win. Many think it was in retaliation for a hard crosscheck on Sidney Crosby earlier in the game, but when reached for comment, the oft-concussed Crosby would only sing the first five notes of the Beach Boys’ “Barbara Ann” over and over.
- The color is gone from Augusta National ahead of this weekend’s Masters, as the famous azaleas have mostly lost their bloom as a result of an early spring. “Thank God,” Tiger Woods said, relieved. “Those damn flowers remind me of sex.” When he was told that the grass was greener than ever, Woods cursed. “The grass reminds me of sex!” he complained to a male reporter. “And so do you! What’s with this damp air? Somebody stop me from taking my pants off!” But nobody could. Nobody could stop Tiger Woods from taking his pants off.