In case you were busy officially filling out the paperwork necessary to hand over the title of “World’s Most Obnoxious Argonauts Fan,” here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- Cam Newton’s late-game heroics, and a controversial non-call on a game-ending interception, gave the Panthers a 24-20 victory over the New England Patriots, their sixth straight win. Bill Belichick was furious with the officiating after the game, asking quarterback Tom Brady, “Who are those officials carrying all those flags for anyway? Goodell? Is that it? Goodell? Well I tell you, let me give you a little inside information about Goodell.” Flames roared behind Belichick, and the stench of brimstone hung in the air as he added, “Goodell likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives men instincts. He gives players this extraordinary gift: instinct. And then what does He do — I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel — He sets the rules in opposition.” An increasingly animated Belichick continued, “It’s the goof of all time. Look, but don’t touch. Touch, but don’t grab. Grab, but don’t catch.” Belichick then let out a horrible laugh, pointed to the ground, and yelled, “And while you’re jumpin’ from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He’s laughin’ His sick ass off! He’s a tight-ass! He’s a sadist! He’s an absentee landlord! Worship Goodell? Never!”
- Tony Allen was ejected for kicking Chris Paul in the face, but his Grizzlies held on, beating the Los Angeles Clippers, 106-102, at Staples Center. After the game, an excited Blake Griffin ran to Paul and said, “Dude, dude, dude. I have the best idea for a dunk-contest dunk, dude. Dude, will you help me do it?” Paul nodded and asked Griffin, “Does it involve kicking me in the face?” Griffin’s eyes got wide as he said, “How did you know? Dude. Dude. Are you psychic?” But Paul didn’t answer, and instead just shook his head and walked away.
- Monta Ellis scored 24 points on only 14 field goal attempts, powering the Mavericks to a 97-94 win over the Philadelphia 76ers. “Twas I!” yelled the maniacal Dr. Maverick when someone jokingly asked Ellis after the game who kidnapped him and replaced him with an efficiency robot. “And if you want the real Monta back, Mark Cuban will have to pay handsomely.” Unfortunately for Dr. Maverick, Cuban was perfectly content to have an efficient basketball robot take Ellis’s place on the roster, foiling Dr. Maverick’s confusing villainous scheme.
- Syracuse survived an upset bid from St. Francis by closing the game with a 10-point run to win 56-50. “Good defensive effort, and it’s always tough to play offense in deference to St. Francis of Assist,” Jim Boeheim explained after the game. “Which we always do, refusing to assist on baskets as much as possible to pay tribute to the Franciscan.” When told that the school was named after St. Francis of Assisi, and that he may have based his philosophy off a typo, Boeheim curled his lips and said, “Really calls a lot into question, doesn’t it? What if everything was a typo? The Ten Commandments were just monkeys with chisels on a mountain?” When told that was stupid, Boeheim groaned and said, “Guys, I’ve been doing this for over 35 years, could you cut me some slack one goddamn time?”
- Despite conceding a 40-point first quarter, LaMarcus Aldridge and the Blazers eventually got the better of Kevin Garnett as Portland improved to 9-2 with a 108-98 win over Brooklyn. When asked if he thought he had lost a step, Garnett replied, “Man, don’t. Hang on, nothin’ lasts forever but the earth and sky.” Garnett was then asked whether he saw the playoff hopes of the Nets, who invested so heavily in the offseason, at risk, to which he replied, “If it slips away, then all your money won’t another minute buy.” Garnett then howled, “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind,” as the assembled media noted that Garnett’s vaunted trash-talking game was slipping more quickly than his high-post game.
- In a battle of hockey teams from Canadian cities that Rob Ford does not preside over, the Calgary Flames registered a 5-4 shootout win over the Winnipeg Jets. “It’s good to draw the world’s attention away from that buffoon, and back toward the unknown greatness of Canada,” Flames rookie Sean Monahan said after the game. “I mean, we’re not just crack smoking and morbid obesity up here. We also play hockey quite well.” When asked if there were any other unknown great things about Canada, Monahan replied, “Sure, sure, we play hockey quite well. Quite well. Did I say that already? Hmmm. Rick Moranis? Also, we’re very good at hockey.”