In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- The University of Connecticut announced that legendary men’s basketball coach Jim Calhoun will announce his retirement today. They were going to let Calhoun himself break the news at the press conference, but then realized they should prep everyone since his mumbling, near-unintelligible speeches have previously been misinterpreted as everything from presidential endorsements to sexual advice to, in one case, a recipe for something called “fried Krzyzewski.”
- The red-hot Orioles prevailed in yet another one-run game when Nate McLouth’s walk-off single scored Manny Machado to give Baltimore a 3-2 win over the Rays. After the game, Satan confronted O’s manager Buck Showalter in the locker room. “Look, I’ve proved myself,” said Satan. “You see what I can do. Now it’s soul time, or the miracle wins stop happening.” Showalter frowned. “I’m just not sure,” he said. “I mean, maybe we’re just lucky. Small sample size, you know?” Satan pounded a locker with his fast. “Dammit, Buck, you always do this! Okay, one more win, and then it’s seriously soul time, alright?” Showalter patted him on the back. “Yeah, yeah, definitely. By the way, you should wear something other than red, it makes you look plump.” As he walked away, Satan found a mirror and stared self-consciously at his figure for 20 minutes.
- Curtis Granderson hit two home runs and the Yankees held on to beat the Red Sox 5-4, maintaining a tie atop the AL East. Yankee manager Joe Girardi finished the game tied to the dugout bench, struggling in vain to make his 33rd pitching change of the night, shouting, “I’VE JUST GOT A FEELING ABOUT A-ROD’S SLIDER!” A-Rod also had to be restrained, shouting, “HE’S GOT A FEELING ABOUT MY SLIDER!”
- Notre Dame announced that they will be joining the ACC in all sports but football. “I guess this means nothing to you!” a weeping Big East shouted, tearing off a locket with half of a golden heart. “Hey, look,” said Notre Dame, taking off its own locket. “You bought these. We were never really into it. Give it to Boise State or something. Psycho.”
- American League strikeout king Max Scherzer punched out seven batters over six strong innings as the Tigers beat the White Sox 8-6 and pulled within a game of the AL Central lead. “I guess this means NOTHING to you!” a weeping Kevin Youkilis shouted, tearing off a locket with half of a golden heart. “Oh, it means something!” said Max Scherzer, touching his own locket beneath his uniform. “But don’t you see? We were doomed! Doomed from the start!” The umpire then came to the mound and made them keep playing baseball.
- A.J. Griffin (8 IP, 0 ER) has now started his career with six straight wins, and the A’s have won 12 straight road games, after beating the Angels 4-1 in Anaheim. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “THAT’S THE 18TH PATTERN I’VE NOTICED IN THE PAST 24 HOURS AND I HAVE WALKED 30 MILES TO CONFRONT THE 36 DEMONS OF THE CITY 42 TIMES EACH IN ORDER TO REVERSE 48 YEARS OF 54 CURSES AND NO DAMN YOU I AM NOT GOING CRAZY I AM NOW MORE SANE THAN EVER BEFORE AND THERE ARE 60 RAYS OF SUN SHINING ON MY ROBOT SKIN AHHHHHHHH I MIGHT BE MELTING! 66 66 66!”
- LeBron James left longtime agent Leon Rose and the Creative Artists Agency to join a new agency headed by his friend Rich Paul. Meanwhile, Derrick Rose left Rich Paul to join Kristoff James’s new agency, while Chris Paul left James and will join up with Leon Rose. Confused and feeling out of the loop, Dwight Howard fired his agent and accidentally hired that guy who wears question-mark suits.
- The NHL and the Player’s Association exchanged offers Wednesday, but it appears unlikely that a deal will be struck before a lockout begins this weekend. However, both sides agreed that the upcoming stalemate should be called “The Great Ice-Out!” rather than a lockout, and that they should write up a pilot to pitch to a channel like AMC or FX. Maybe HBO, since Bettman keeps insisting on swearing and nudity.
- Boxing promoter Bob Arum said that Manny Pacquiao will face Juan Manuel Marquez for the fourth time in his next fight, rather than Timothy Bradley. Floyd Mayweather Jr.’s agent said his client will either be fighting Soapy Hands Martinez, Shanksy Lovelle, Loco Amadeus, Sensitive Franklin, or Big Bill the Lover to settle some old prison feuds.