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About Last Night: Bull’d Over

Carlos Boozer

In case you were busy recording your sophomore album, It’s Hard Out There (On the Road), here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

  • The Chicago Bulls used their strength and rebounding advantage to beat Miami, 101-97, snapping the Heat’s 27-game winning streak. After the game, LeBron James complained about the Bulls’ physicality and hard fouls: “I believe and I know that a lot of my fouls are not basketball plays.” Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau responded, saying, “I’m soooooo sorry. Reeeeeeallly. I would never tell my guys to be physical in a big game. Especially a brute like Kirk Hinrich. My deeeeeepest apologies.”
  • Despite the absence of Metta World Peace, the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Minnesota Timberwolves for the 22nd straight time, 120-117. The game was not without controversy, however, as Ricky Rubio appeared to be fouled by Kobe Bryant on a game-tying 3-point attempt. After the game, Bryant was defiant when asked about the non-call, saying nothing as he pulled down a large map of the world from above his locker and blacked out Spain with a magic marker.
  • Andre Miller’s late game-winning shot attempt rimmed out as the San Antonio Spurs held on for a 100-99 win over the Denver Nuggets. Spurs forward Tim Duncan, who continued his vintage play with another double-double, was emotional after the game, saying, “I was happy when Andre missed that shot, but now I’m back to normal. If he had made it, though, I probably would’ve felt sadness, briefly.” Duncan then stunned reporters at the end of his press conference by rapidly bringing his hands together a number of times in what appeared to be a primitive noise-making gesture signifying pleasure, before calmly exiting the arena.
  • Boston forward Jeff Green hit a clutch game-winning layup as time expired to give the Celtics a much-needed 93-92 win at Cleveland. “It’s great to have guys believing in you,” Green said after the game. When asked about Green, Celtics coach Doc Rivers explained, “I looked around the huddle and I caught eyes with Jeff, and he shrugged, and I shrugged. Then he said, ‘I guess I can take the shot,’ and I sighed and said, ‘Whatever.'”
  • The New York Knicks got their sixth straight win, withstanding a Memphis rally after leading by as many as 30 points, to beat the Grizzlies, 108-101. “What a shame,” said New York Post back page headline writer Scott Fenton. “‘Carmel-t’down’ was going to be my Hamlet.”
  • After 11 straight shootout saves, Brendan Gallagher scored the winning goal as the Montreal Canadiens beat the Boston Bruins, 6-5. This back-and-forth game featuring classic rivals, 10 goals in regulation (including a last-second equalizer to force overtime), fierce brawls, massive playoff implications, and a heart-stopping shootout is simply further proof that hockey is boring and need not be covered. Moving on …
  • Ryan Suter netted a last-minute goal to force overtime before Mikko Koivu got the game-winner as the Minnesota Wild topped the Phoenix Coyotes, 4-3. “We choked on that one like a kid choking on a hot dog,” Coyotes head coach Dave Tippett said after the game, before taking a bite from his postgame hot dog and choking on it. Coyotes goalie Jason LaBarbera then performed the Heimlich maneuver on Tippett, dislodging the hot dog, but accidentally propelling it down the throat of center Boyd Gordon. Defenseman Michael Stone then performed the Heimlich on Gordon, but the hot dog cruelly found its way back down Tippett’s windpipe. This process was reportedly still going on hours after the game, according to winger Rob Klinkhammer, who then took a bite from his own hot dog and started choking himself.
  • The Atlanta Falcons signed former Giants star Osi Umenyiora to a two-year deal in an effort to shore up their defensive line and replace John Abraham. Abraham was later seen sitting at his computer, scrolling through old Facebook pictures of Umenyiora, muttering, “I don’t care about jewelry; he’s not as good as I am,” while fighting back tears. Reports out of Atlanta suggest that Abraham would unfriend the entire city “for his own good,” but he “doesn’t want to give them the satisfaction.”
  • St. Louis Cardinals starting pitcher Adam Wainwright signed a five-year $97.5 million contract, keeping him with the only franchise he’s played for through his age-36 season. “We’re excited to keep Adam in the organization for — wait, did you say 36?” St. Louis general manager John Mozeliak asked as he announced the deal. “Oh, god, I thought he was at least five years younger than that. Why did no one tell me this?”
  • Texas sophomore guard Sheldon McClellan, who was the team’s second-leading scorer and most consistent offensive performer, has asked for his release from the program after clashing with head coach Rick Barnes throughout the season. You know what that means, America! It’s time for a bonus episode of everybody’s seventh-favorite About Last Night recurring feature, in which we remind America that Texas head coach Rick Barnes failed to make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team, “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. Thus concludes an exciting bonus edition of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.”