In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- The NCAA hit Ohio State with a one-year bowl ban for violations committed under Jim Tressel. When reporters reached new head coach Urban Meyer for comment, he was unable to respond for several minutes while he attempted to eat his contract.
- LSU head coach Les Miles, “The Mad Hatter,” is the AP coach of the year. Which means that TLU coach Anders McGoo, “The Wacky Milliner,” has been robbed yet again.
- John Elway gave Tim Tebow a big endorsement, saying “he’s not going anywhere” and “he’s going to be a Bronco.” Miraculously, the painful stigmata that had plagued him for weeks almost immediately disappeared from Elway’s hands and feet.
- In the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s bowl, which I can only assume both teams were trying to lose out of sheer vegetarianism, Marshall failed by beating Florida International 20-10.
- A source reported that Derrick Rose has agreed to a five-year contract extension with the Chicago Bulls. But you know what they say: Every rose has its thorn. Which is why a clause in the contract guarantees 76ers president Rod Thorn $1 million per year.
- Georgia coach Mark Richt, believing some members of his football staff weren’t being compensated properly, paid them out of his own pocket. When they heard about this rare instance of human generosity, the NCAA immediately punished him. (Crap, that was supposed to be my joke, but it turns out to be true. The NCAA out-absurded me again.)
- Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said he never thought about pulling Ben Roethlisberger out of Monday’s game despite the quarterback’s apparent pain and discomfort. “He’s a real competitor,” said Tomlin. “And I have no emotions. A perfect match.”
- Floyd Mayweather has agreed to take a plea deal to resolve two felony cases relating to charges of abusing his wife. In the judge’s order, he advised all women who feel themselves endangered by Mayweather in the future to wear a Manny Pacquiao mask.
- Liverpool’s Luis Suarez has been banned eight matches by the English Football Association for an alleged racist remark he made toward Patrice Evra. When asked if the punishment wasn’t a bit harsh, an FA spokesman said, “he’s just lucky we couldn’t corroborate the incident in any way. Then you’d see harsh.”
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