In case you were busy trying to shake off seeing the Raider Rusher, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- For the first time in 21 years, the Pittsburgh Pirates will be playing postseason baseball after clinching at least a wild-card berth with their 2-1 win over the Chicago Cubs. “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you guys,” Cubs manager Dale Sveum told Pirates manager Clint Hurdle after the game, “we’re doing great too, really, really, really great. Me and Theo, and everyone here. We’re really happy.” Hurdle opened his mouth to talk, but Sveum continued to speak, “and we’re happy for you. But really we’re just happy, so, so happy. And sure, we don’t have everything you have. Who does? I mean, Andrew, what a kid. What a kid. We know all about Andrew and his exploits. I mean, our Anthony is great, but he’s no Andrew. No, no he isn’t.” Hurdle nodded sympathetically as Sveum briefly lost his train of thought. “I’m sorry, what was I saying? Oh yes, how happy we are here as Cubs. That’s the important thing; that we’re happy. And you’re happy. Everyone is happy.” Sveum smiled, content with his self-presentation, and Hurdle didn’t have the heart to tell him that his jersey had been tucked into his underwear the entire time.
- Peyton Manning led the Broncos to their 14th straight regular-season win as they easily beat the Oakland Raiders 37-21 at home. Things got even worse for the Raiders as quarterback Terrelle Pryor was knocked out of the game with a concussion, or as NFL commissioner Roger Goodell referred to it, “Terrelle who? What are you talking about? Never heard of the guy in my life, have you, Mark? Terrelle Pryor?” to which NCAA president Mark Emmert responded, “Nope, Roger. Me neither. Never heard of this ‘Terrelle Pryor’ before. Weird.”
- The Cincinnati Reds will also be in the postseason, securing their spot with a 10-inning 3-2 win over the New York Mets. “Goddamnit,” yelled a furious Dusty Baker after the game at a mandatory team meeting, “10 innings? 10 innings to beat the Mets? I want you to get your heads on straight before you let me down again. Ten innings. Have you all lost your sense of human decency?” Baker then threw a chair against a wall before continuing his tirade. “This is Marge Schott’s team. Show a little respect. Now go home, and do everything differently tomorrow, you bunch of winning losers.” Baker then left a shell-shocked locker room, muttering under his breath, “10-innings for the Mets, in all my life, I’ve never. I’ve never.”
- Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers has said that forward Luis Suarez is “champing at the bit” to return to action after serving a 10-game suspension for biting Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic, in advance of the team’s League Cup match against Manchester United on Wednesday. Rodgers went on to say, “Oops, poor phrasing. What I meant to say was, Suarez has a taste for mammal skin, and much like a shark who has tasted human blood, can’t wait to personally devour other humans using his multiple rows of flesh-ripping teeth instead of playing soccer, so we’ve asked him to wear a bit while he practices with our team, which has only made him angry, leading to fits of both champing and chomping.”
- Rays first baseman James Loney hit a walk-off home run as Tampa Bay beat Baltimore 5-4 in a game most notable for seeing star Orioles third baseman Manny Machado carted off the field with a knee injury. “Classic James, always overshadowed,” Loney said tactlessly after the game, though in a twist of fortune, Loney had been left completely alone at the postgame press conference, meaning that his comment went unheard.
- Rangers outfielder Alex Rios hit for the cycle as Texas kept pace in the AL wild-card race with a 12-0 win over Houston. Unfortunately for Rios, because his cycle came against the Astros, his accomplishment will go into the record books with an asterisk representing training wheels.
- A stripper named Sweet Pea reportedly hit Ravens wide receiver Jacoby Jones over the head with a bottle of Ace of Spades champagne on a party bus while celebrating Bryant McKinnie’s birthday in Washington, D.C. McKinnie, nattily attired and bespectacled, attempted to distance himself from the attack, explaining, “People who know me, know what I’m about, know that I’m a family man. I’m as likely to be reading Hop on Pop with my wife, whose name I’m sure I know, as I am to be fishing with my son down on a dock as we pop root beers and talk about my dad, his gramps. So to suggest that I, Bryant McKinnie, would be associated with Sweet Pea? Come on.” McKinnie then put both hands in the pockets of his sweater vest and added, “Everyone knows you don’t mess with Sweet Pea,” before sprinting away from the assembled media as quickly as possible.