In case you were busy coming around to the idea that Cowboys tight end Jason Witten is just the sort of guy who sometimes has to be yelled at, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- In what may prove to be the biggest upset of the entire NBA season, the Philadelphia 76ers stormed out to an early 19-0 lead before holding on late to beat the two-time defending champion Miami Heat 114-110. Rookie point guard Michael Carter-Williams looked like a star, putting up 22 points, 12 assists, nine steals, and seven rebounds in his NBA debut. Unfortunately, Carter-Williams was shut down for the season after the game by 76ers GM Sam Hinkie for what he described as “precautionary reasons.” When asked to clarify, Hinkie said, “I’m hoping this will serve as a precaution to the rest of the team as to where looking like a star will get you.”
- The Red Sox are your 2013 World Series champions after John Lackey powered Boston past the St. Louis Cardinals, 6-1, in a deciding Game 6. “Just as I predicted,” said Boston superfan Aaron Sullivan. “Lackey brings us another banner. Never doubted that it would happen.” When asked specifically when he made that prediction, Sullivan replied, “Fourth inning, right after we went up 6-0. And I swear I only backed off it three or four times,” before promising to name one of his middle children John Lackey Sullivan, assuming that one of them came out looking a little squished.
- Dwight Howard looked sharp in his Houston debut, grabbing 26 rebounds as the Rockets beat the Bobcats 96-83. “Look who’s back in the game,” said Howard to his new teammates after the game. “Is it you, brah?” asked Rockets forward Chandler Parsons. “I bet it’s you! That’s awesome.” But Howard shook his head and said, “Nope! It’s my buddy Lil’ D,” before pulling out a ventriloquist dummy version of himself. Howard then launched into 25 minutes of jokes that all had the punch line “And you’ve got your hand up my butt!” However, at no point did he actually move Lil’ D’s mouth or attempt to throw his voice in any way.
- No Russell Westbrook? No problem for Kevin Durant, who poured in 42 points as the Oklahoma City Thunder opened their season with a 101-98 win over the Utah Jazz. Afterward, Jazz forward Gordon Hayward, who had an opportunity to tie the game late with a long 3-point attempt that just rimmed out, told the media, “Man, this was just like the NCAA national title game against Duke, except this time sadly it didn’t go in.” When asked what he was talking about, Hayward replied, “Here, look at my championship ring,” as he held out his ringless hand. “And check out this picture of me with President Obama at the White House,” Hayward added while pointing to what appeared to be his eighth-grade class photo. “And read this Wikipedia entry highlighting my professional accomplishments,” Hayward said as he held out a Post-it note with a doodle of a cat and the words “Hang in there, Gordo” hastily scribbled in Sharpie.
- Klay Thomspon exploded for 38 points as the Golden State Warriors handed the Los Angeles Lakers, who were missing point guard Steve Nash, their first loss of the season, 125-94. When asked if there was a silver lining to the team’s rebuilding year, a visibly depressed Pau Gasol replied, “Well, at least Lil’ D’s gone. I’m pretty sure I heard the words, ‘And you’ve got your hand up my butt!’ more than my own name last season.”
- Slovenian Anze Kopitar’s power-play goal in overtime gave the Los Angeles Kings a 4-3 win over the San Jose Sharks. “What a night!” Kopitar exclaimed after his team’s win. “Now to celebrate the same way I celebrate every home win.” Kopitar then drove outside the Los Angeles home of U.S. men’s national team midfielder Landon Donovan and leaned on his horn as he hummed the Slovenian national anthem, “Zdravljica,” to himself.
- David Ortiz, who became the first player in almost a century to win his third World Series with the Red Sox, was named World Series MVP after batting .688 with a 1.948 OPS in the series. After the game, Ortiz was approached in the bowels of Fenway Park by a pinstriped specter, who tossed him a hot dog and a signed baseball before saying, “You know, Dave, I was the last guy to do what you did. Winning three with the Sox. I did a couple as a pitcher though. Still, you’ve done good, kid.” Ortiz, who didn’t recognize the apparition, immediately tossed the ball to his English mastiff, Beast, before telling teammate Shane Victorino what he saw. Victorino’s jaw dropped. “Papi! That ball was signed by the ghost sultan of swat! The ghost king of crash! The ghost colossus of clout! Ghost Babe Ruth! The Ghost Bambino!” But Ortiz didn’t care about some wimpy ghost deer, and he walked away from Victorino, who, in a surprising twist, would grow up to be a Major League Baseball player drafted by the Dodgers organization.