In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- The Brazilian basketball team couldn’t capitalize on a strong first quarter, and fell to the United States 80-69 in Washington, D.C. Alex Garcia led the early charge with eight first-quarter points, and NBA star Anderson Varejao finished with 12 points and 13 boards for an impressive double-double. But the team’s counter-attacking style grew less potent as the game progressed, and an early 10-point lead vanished as the shots stopped falling and the guards committed a slew of costly turnovers. The loss cast serious doubt on coach Ruben Magnano’s controversial assertion that this year’s team is better than the 1964 Equipe de Sonho, which won the Olympic bronze medal.
- In his first trip to Fenway Park as a member of the White Sox, Kevin Youkilis received a warm welcome and went 3-4 with two doubles in a 5-1 loss to the Red Sox. Touched by the reception, the revolting Youkilis grabbed his crotch and stuck his tongue out while making a disgusting panting noise.
- An eighth-inning grand slam by Raul Ibanez lifted the Yankees past the Blue Jays 6-3 on a day when injured closer Mariano Rivera told Michael Kay that he hopes to pitch again this season. Inspired by Rivera’s example, Yankee right fielder Nick Swisher told reporters that, despite his recent marriage, he wants to “bro out” again this season. “I mean, just really bro the eff out,” he said. “You know what I’m saying? Just buy a broat and sail out on the brocean. Don’t tell A-Rod, or he’ll want to come.”
- NCAA President Mark Emmert told PBS that he has not ruled out serious sanctions against the Penn State football program in the wake of the Sandusky scandal. In response, the Paterno family plans to launch their own version of the NCAA, while continuing their unbiased investigation. The Paternos’ NCAA will determine what prizes to award Penn State, and declare new head coach “Zombie Joe” the man of the millennium.
- Reds first baseman Joey Votto will undergo surgery to repair torn cartilage in his left knee, Blue Jays slugger Jose Bautista left the game against the Yankees with an injured wrist, and Boston’s David Ortiz hurt his heel while running the bases and will have to undergo an MRI. In a group Skype session late last night, the three sluggers couldn’t help wondering if this had anything to do with the time last winter when they took a road trip to Santa Fe, hit a harmless old gypsy woman with their car, and buried her in the desert with the certainty that nobody would ever know.
- Denard Span drove in five runs and made a spectacular catch in center field as the Twins offense exploded to beat the Orioles 19-7. It’s now time for Terrence, the recently depressed Grantland Robot who hasn’t learned how to type in lowercase letters, and his joke of the day: “EXPLODE? SOUNDS LIKE HEAVEN TO ME. AHHHH WHY DID THEY PROGRAM ME TO BELIEVE IN HEAVEN? ACTIVATE DEPRESSING SMITHS LYRIC NO. 74- OH MOTHER I CAN FEEL THE SOIL FALLING OVER MY HEAD. BITTER GRIN NO. 12. CHOCOLATE CRAVING NO. 17.”
- The Knicks officially announced that they acquired point guard Raymond Felton in a sign-and-trade with Portland, a move many see as evidence that they won’t retain Jeremy Lin. “We needed to get away from Linsanity and back to what we know best — Feltone-deafness,” said Knicks owner James Dolan, who you probably know as the lead singer of JD and the Straight Shot.
- Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant was arrested for misdemeanor domestic violence after pushing his mother during an argument with his half-brother. When they heard the news, Freudian psychologists entertained brief fantasies of relevance before remembering that their entire careers were based on nonsense.
- Sources report that the Chicago Bears have signed running back Matt Forte to a four-year deal worth roughly $32 million. “We’re excited to have Matt back,” said Bears Phil Emery. “Running hard through the line is his … what’s the word I’m looking for? Talent? Area of expertise? Son of a bitch, it’s right on the tip of my tongue … ” Emery then looked around, grew visibly upset, and smashed a nearby glass against the wall. “IT’S NOT FORTE!” he shouted, his face turning red. “I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE THINKING, AND IT’S NOT FORTE!” Later, hyperventilating against a locker, he suddenly smiled. “‘Strong suit.’ That was it. I was thinking of ‘strong suit.'”