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About Last Night: Boston Stronger

Tuukka Rask, Patrice Bergeron

In case you were busy learning hard lessons about hubris and foosball but mostly hubris, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

  • Tuukka Rask had a shutout and Daniel Paille had his second goal in as many games as the Boston Bruins seized a 2-1 advantage in the Stanley Cup final with a 2-0 win over the Chicago Blackhawks. Ageless right winger Jaromir Jagr, who was held scoreless again but had a critical assist in his team’s win, said after the game, “I can’t believe I’m here trying to win my first Stanley Cup in 21 years. I could have had children after my last Stanley Cup win who would be almost old enough to drink.” Jagr then narrowed his eyes and said, “No, seriously, given how that night went almost 21 years ago, I could have had children after my last Stanley Cup win who would be almost old enough to drink. Let’s say the Cup has a lot of volume, I was 19, and if we do win this, there are some mistakes that Lord Stanley and I will not repeat.”
  • Max Scherzer struck out 10 and improved to 10-0 as the Detroit Tigers beat the Baltimore Orioles, 5-1. “But am I an ace?” a concerned Scherzer asked after the game. “Please tell me! Am I an ace on a staff with a pair of aces, or the best no. 2 in the game? Or am I an ace in the making who still has something to prove? Do I need to escape Justin Verlander’s shadow, or do we make each other better by pitching back-to-back? Won’t someone please debate these designations and render a verdict based on a meaningless quote from my manager?” Detroit manager Jim Leyland then added, “He’s at the top of his game pretty much,” which pretty much settled the ace question once and for all.
  • Despite Shelby Miller’s leg cramps, the St. Louis Cardinals improved their MLB-best record to 45-25 with a 5-2 win over the Chicago Cubs. “They’re just better at baseball than we are, and we have to change what we’re doing,” said Cubs manager Leo Durocher about the St. Louis Cardinals in 1968 on a tape played by Don Zimmer in 1988, a recording of which was burned onto a CD that was played by Jim Riggleman in 1998, which was recorded as an MP3 and played off of a Creative Nomad by Don Baylor in 2000, which was reencoded as an AAC file and played off of a first-generation iPod by Dusty Baker in 2003, which was copied onto a MacBook Pro and played off of an iPod Nano by Lou Piniella in 2007, in an event that was posted onto YouTube in a video projected onto the eyeball of a disheartened Dale Sveum by his Google Glass after the game.
  • Freddie Freeman hit a walk-off two-run home run as the Atlanta Braves stunned the New York Mets with a 2-1 win at Turner Field. “Yeah, we were stunned,” said veteran Mets third baseman David Wright. “Can’t believe we suffered a heartbreaking loss to Atlanta. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. This experience is so unlike all of the other experiences that I have experienced while playing the Braves. This is brand-new for me. How ever shall I cope? I certainly have not developed any mechanisms for dealing with heartbreaking Mets losses to the Braves. Do you have any to recommend? Because this is uncharted territory for me and this franchise.”
  • In a battle of AL West titans, the Texas Rangers, powered by two home runs from Nelson Cruz, snapped a six-game skid with an 8-7 win over the Oakland A’s. The win came a night after a team meeting called by Rangers manager Ron Washington, the agenda for which was reportedly “Yell about letting down the team, hold brow and shake head, remind team that winning requires ‘doing the little things,’ remind team that ‘they have what it takes,’ clap a whole bunch, get Ian Kinsler to say something ‘super chill,’ say ‘get a good night’s sleep and we’ll get ’em tomorrow,’ and pat self on back for a meeting well run.”
  • Talks continue between the Clippers and the Celtics as Los Angeles hopes to acquire Doc Rivers and Kevin Garnett from Boston in exchange for a combination of talent and salary-cap relief. Early reports had point guard Eric Bledsoe going from Los Angeles to Boston, but the parameters of the trade were being reworked after Clippers owner Donald Sterling was finally convinced, after sitting through a 34-slide PowerPoint and being taught a series of mnemonic devices, that Doc Rivers no longer plays basketball and was being acquired to take over the team as head coach.
  • Tahiti managed to score an unexpected and inspirational goal, but still fell to Nigeria as expected, 6-1, in the group stage of the Confederations Cup. The Tahitians, who field the 138th-ranked national team in the world and feature only one professional player, will now face even stronger sides in Uruguay and Spain in matches that FIFA officials have described as “Hopefully fixed, I mean, um, probably not fixed.”
  • Former Oklahoma State quarterback Wes Lunt announced he will transfer to Illinois, a move he described as a “dream.” Lunt went on to say, “I expect that I will frequently find myself in lecture halls preparing for a big exam only to find that I can’t write because my hands have become lobster claws, before eventually waking up to find myself back in Stillwater, filled with relief on the eve of the Big 12 title game, only to turn to find that my girlfriend has lobster claws instead of hands. Then I’ll bolt awake from that dream to find myself back at Illinois, somehow coached by Ron Zook, who will have lobster claws instead of hands. Then I’ll wake from that dream, and I’ll still be at Illinois and we’ll be a maddening 5-7. But there will be no awaking from that dream. And I’ll look down and …” Lunt then held up his hands, which were in fact lobster claws, before trying to scream, only to find that his tongue had also become a lobster claw.