In case you were busy trying not to giggle when you heard “the Shockers cracked the top 10,” here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- A late pick-six by 49ers linebacker NaVorro Bowman in the final regular-season game at Candlestick Park clinched a 34-24 win over the Atlanta Falcons along with a playoff berth for San Francisco. After such a badass play, Bowman needs a badass nickname, and for a guy named Bowman making big plays in the holiday season, the answer is obvious: Elf. So, next time you see NaVorro Bowman in person, be sure to call him Elf without providing any context.
- The Buffalo Sabres beat the Phoenix Coyotes, 2-1, in overtime when Coyotes goalie Mike Smith allowed a puck to fall into his pants, before he backed up into his own net. “We’re even, Buffalo,” said God after the game in an interview with Buffalo ABC affiliate WKBW. “I’m sorry about all that other stuff, so that was what you mortals refer to as ‘a solid.’ Actually, now ya’ll owe me one. Make it a virgin sacrifice.” God then laughed and said, “Nah, just kidding. You guys are all right. We’re even.”
- A brutal Week 16 has left a number of NFL stars on the sideline for the rest of the year, including Broncos pass-rusher Von Miller, St. Louis left tackle Jake Long, Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, and possibly Packers linebacker Clay Matthews. “I don’t want to say too much, but these guys are classic crybaby chokers, all of them,” said NFL fan Jesse Wilkerson, who once went to see a podiatrist after stubbing his toe, upon hearing the news. “I mean, they should rename this league the No-Fannies League, because these guys are crying their butts off.” Wilkerson, who later called his mother to figure out what to do when an eyelash got in his eye, then added, “Real men don’t give up just because they have a torn thumb ligament, or herniated disc in their back, or a torn ACL. You play until the whistle. And the whistle isn’t blown until a real man, like Roger Goodell, says it’s blown on an icy cold night at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey in February.” Wilkerson then turned up the heat in his studio apartment before adding, “No-Fannies League, give me a break.”
- Top-ranked Arizona beat Northern Arizona, 77-44, to maintain its perfect start to the men’s college basketball season. Now, I personally don’t see how it’s fair to have Arizona play a team that is contained within its borders. I mean that’s as unfair as forcing the Brooklyn Nets to play the New York Knicks. What I’m saying is, everyone loses.
- Chelsea and Arsenal battled to a 0-0 draw as the weather and negative tactics from Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho’s side conspired to create an uninspired display of soccer. “Sometimes to be the Special One, you have to know when to be ordinary,” a haggard Mourinho said after the match, while wearing a Carhartt jacket and a pair of Lee dungarees. “Now if any of ya’ll want to let me hop in the back of your pickup and give me a ride back to the bridge, I’d be much obliged,” Mourinho added before pulling a piece of straw out of his hat and using it to whistle “Sweet Home Alabama.”
- In a Lone Star State battle, Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks beat the Houston Rockets, 111-104. “We may have lost the game, but man, I landed some real zingers tonight,” Rockets center Dwight Howard said after his team’s loss. “I mean, at one point I was all like, ‘Jerk!’ And Nowitzki didn’t turn around, but if he had I would’ve been like, ‘Why’d you look, jerk? Your name is Dirk.'” Howard then collapsed in hysterics before adding, “Boom! I totally covered him in theoretical Dwight-Out.”