In case you were out giving the ol’ trick-or-treat route a dry run, much to the chagrin of everyone on Greenleaf Street, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- Jon Lester and the Boston Red Sox opened the World Series in dominant fashion, beating a sloppy St. Louis Cardinals team 8-1. “We may have played sloppy tonight,” said freshly shaven Cardinals shortstop Pete Kozma after the game, “but at least we didn’t look sloppy. I mean, seriously the Red Sox looked, whoops—” Kozma then fumbled the microphone he was speaking into and bent over to try to pick it up, only to somehow trip over his own shoes, leading to an awkward three-quarters front flip. Writhing in visible pain on the ground, Kozma then added, “As I was saying, seriously, they looked terrible. I could smell sneeze off of Jacoby Ellsbury’s beard from the dugout. Have some dignity. Also, I think I just threw my back out.”
- More bad news for Cardinals fans: Outfielder Carlos Beltran, who was playing in his first career World Series game, was diagnosed with bruised ribs suffered while he was making a grand slam–saving catch. Beltran’s injury, however, was good news for fans of correcting people who refer to things as being ironic, when what they mean is coincidental and tragic.
- Greg Oden played for the first time in more than three years, scoring two points in four minutes in the Miami Heat’s 108-95 preseason win over the New Orleans Pelicans. “It’s good to be back, but a lot has changed since the last time I played,” Oden said after the game. “I mean, the Pelicans were the Hornets. And Anthony Davis was still in middle school. And New Orleans had only recently been bought from the French. So I want to dedicate my performance to the valiant efforts of General Andrew Jackson, and the brave men who fought to keep Louisiana out of the hands of the British.”
- The Los Angeles Dodgers announced that manager Don Mattingly will return for at least one more season despite speculation about Mattingly walking away from the final year of his contract. When asked if he feared that Mattingly would renege on his contract, general manager Ned Colletti replied, “Seriously? Guy gets paid $1.4 million to set a lineup card and make sure that Zack Greinke, Carl Crawford, Yasiel Puig, Hanley Ramirez, Carlos Marmol, and Josh Beckett are ready to go, day in and day out. So obviously, yes, we were terrified.”
- The Buffalo Sabres continue to scuffle, falling to an Atlantic Division–worst 1-9-1 after their 5-2 loss to the Boston Bruins. “Well, at least we have our dignity,” said Buffalo super fan Michael Phillips before the game. Unfortunately for Phillips, the Sabres fans’ loudest cheers during the game were reserved for when Bruins winger Milan Lucic got hit in the face with the puck, leading Phillips to say after the game, “Well, at least we have um at least we no um at least we all still no, I guess not and no we don’t have that either at least we don’t live in Schenectady?”
- Swedish striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored four goals as Paris St. Germain thrashed Anderlecht, 5-0, in UEFA Champions League action. “What have I wrought?” cried Swedish tinkerer Hansel Ibrahimovic, as he watched the match from his ice lair in Kiruna, the northernmost city in Sweden. “I only set out to create the best footballer this nation has ever seen, not to make a monster! Oh what hubris I had! No man should play god like I have!” Ibrahimovic then threw his remote control at his sentient television, Zenith Ibrahimovic, before apologizing to the injured box for letting his temper get the best of him.
- The Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback carousel continues to turn as Josh Freeman has been diagnosed with concussion-like symptoms, opening the door for Christian Ponder to reassert himself in the position. “Carousel, that’s the perfect word for it,” said Vikings coach Leslie Frazier when discussing the situation. “It’s like a carousel where every seat is a bench, and all the horses that actually go up and down and are fun to ride were discarded years ago, and I’m about to get fired for operating the carousel because it doesn’t have any horses on it.” Frazier then sighed deeply and added, “God, I hate carousels.”