In case you were busy being thankful for Moises Alou’s Hall of Fame candidacy, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- Jordan Lynch broke his own FBS single-game record for rushing yards by a quarterback with 321, as Northern Illinois finished its regular season undefeated with a 33-14 win over Western Michigan. “No! My record is gone,” Lynch said after the game. When told he still had the record, Lynch shook his head and said, “Sure, but it’s not the same. I loved that old record like a son. This one I’ll never tell it how much I love it. I’m just gonna put a ton of pressure on it to make up for my lost relationship with the old record. Even if it means this new one is gonna grow up to be all weird and maladjusted.” Lynch then looked at a picture of himself setting the original rushing record and let a single tear trickle down his cheek before yelling, “You’re nothing to me!” at a TV playing a highlight reel of Tuesday’s game.
- Despite being down Andre Iguodala and Andrew Bogut, Golden State held on late to edge the Pelicans, 102-101, in New Orleans. “I didn’t want to play either,” Warriors guard Klay Thompson said after the game. “I mean, have you seen that Pelican mascot? Pure intimidation. But with those two out I knew I’d have to fight through it, no matter how many nightmares I’m sure to have tonight.”
- Knicks head coach Mike Woodson remains optimistic despite his team’s slow start, saying, “I don’t think I have lost the locker room.” However, when Woodson turned around to see an empty team bus, he hung his head and said, “Wait, no, I definitely have. Where is everybody? You turn your back on J.R. Smith for one second ”
- Baylor mounted a stunning comeback to beat Dayton, 67-66, and advance to the Maui Invitational finals, where it will face Syracuse. “It’s disappointing, but a great life lesson for our kids,” said Dayton head coach Archie Miller after the loss. “Life in Dayton is full of disappointment. I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s the city’s motto. So, might as well learn what that’s like in Maui.”
- Jack Wilshere scored two goals for Arsenal, who are now in the driver’s seat for advancement into the Champions League knockout stages after easily beating Marseille 2-0. Unfortunately for the North Londoners, manager Arsene Wenger’s giant puffy coat makes driving a car quite difficult; expect a struggle as Arsenal attempt to get a much-needed result against Napoli.
- Multiple baby horses were named the starting quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles for the rest of the season in a surprising move from head coach Chip Kelly. More surprising is that all the baby horses don’t have parents. I mean, what could have happened to their horse parents? Oh no, the glue factory! Of course! We killed their parents! What have we done? Man is the true animal! MAN! NOTHING MAKES SENSE Wait no, I’m sorry, Nick Foles was named the starting quarterback of the Eagles for the rest of the season. That makes a lot more sense.
- In a surprising move, millionaire Jim Irsay ordered a number of baby horses from the capital of Indiana to “wake up,” calling their recent play “alarming” on Twitter. More surprising is that the baby horses lost 40-11 to the Arizona Cardinals last weekend. I mean, Arizona’s defense is elite, but what could have happened to these baby horses that they’d give up 40 points to an offense led by Carson Palmer? Oh no, the glue factory! Of course! They were terrified that they’d be sent to the glue factory, and they cracked under the overwhelming pressure. What have we done? NOTHING MAKES SENSE wait no, I’m sorry, Jim Irsay said the Indianapolis Colts have to “wake up” after an alarming loss to the Arizona Cardinals. Though I will say, that game still made no sense.