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About Last Night: Battle Los Angeles

Chris Paul

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

  • The Lakers used 12 fourth quarter points from Kobe Bryant to rally for a 96-91 win over the Clippers. After the final whistle, scuffles broke out on the floor when Pau Gasol patted Chris Paul on the head. “I don’t know if Pau’s got kids, but don’t touch my head like I’m one of your kids,” said an angry Paul. “I don’t have kids,” responded Gasol. “Yet.” Then he winked at the camera, and held up a placard with his phone number and a picture of a rose.
  • Rafael Nadal continued his Grand Slam dominance over Roger Federer, winning in four sets to advance to the Australian Open final. Rafa is now 8-2 over his rival in the Grand Slams, and 18-9 overall, leading to the odd situation where Federer is the greatest player of all-time, and yet only the second-greatest of his own era. “It’s a historian’s nightmare!” shouted a frantic historian, fumbling with his glasses and tripping over a pile of history books.

  • Maria Sharapova broke her opponent’s serve in the final game of the third set to advance to the Australian Open final, where she’ll meet Victoria Azarenka. “No matter what happens, someone evil win,” said deceased former Senator Joseph McCarthy.
  • LeBron James hit six free throws over the final 80 seconds to give the Heat a 101-98 win over the Pistons. When asked what the key was to performing under pressure, a confused James asked the reporter why he was being interviewed after the third quarter, and why everyone was leaving the court.
  • Just days after a huge win over Baylor, no. 2 Missouri suffered a let-down at Oklahoma State, losing 79-72. “I guess the state motto is true,” said Missouri coach Frank Haith. “Everyone suffers a let-down in Oklahoma.”
  • Mason Plumlee scored 23 points and grabbed 12 boards as no. 4 Duke weathered a raucous crowd at College Park to beat Maryland 74-61. When it became clear that Maryland wouldn’t come back, thousands of couches fled the campus in terror, heading north where they’d heard tales of people who wouldn’t burn them anytime something bad happened.
  • Graham Zusi scored the first international goal of his career as Team USA beat Panama 1-0 in an exhibition match in Panama City. After the goal, Zusi insulted Panamanian fans by doing a classic Teddy Roosevelt pantomime. “I have to admit though,” said one fan. “He really nailed Teddy Roosevelt. The canal-digging part was inspired.”
  • The Indianapolis Colts hired Ravens defense coordinator Chuck Pagano to be the team’s next head coach. Meanwhile, actor Rob Lowe continued to be a thorn in the side of the Colts organization by tweeting that Pagano once murdered a man in Las Vegas over a game of cards.
  • In his first competitive round of 2012, Tiger Woods made two birdies and no bogeys at the Abu Dhabi Championship. Woods claimed he would have made more birdies, but the camel they assigned him as a caddie kept handing him the 3-wood at inappropriate times.