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About Last Night: Back to Boston

Paul Pierce

In case you were busy having an adorable cat on your chest and being unable to move, or breathe, or — hey, this cat’s trying to kill me! — here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:

  • We’re headed back to Boston after the Celtics held on for a 92-86 win over the New York Knicks, forcing a Game 6 in their first-round playoff matchup. Kevin Garnett fueled the Celtics with a vintage 16-point, 18-rebound performance. “Man, that takes me back,” Garnett said wistfully after his double-double. “Remember when I was crushing it up in Minnesota. Just me and Terrell Brandon. So young, so naive. Maybe I could get that TV show about my posse off the ground now. Do you think the breakthrough success of Entourage makes it more or less likely? I mean, it was gonna be The Monkees meets The Beverly Hillbillies. I guess it could be reality. That’s basically what Carmelo’s wife has going on. Nah, TV is a young man’s game. I was just born too young.”
  • Despite the absence of Sidney Crosby, the Penguins took care of business by thrashing the New York Islanders 5-0 in Pittsburgh. “Oh man, that’ll teach us to come on the mainland,” Islanders captain Mark Streit said after the loss. “It’s weird here. First of all, not everyone takes boats to get places. Also weird, the lack of nautically themed dining establishments. I’m starving for some fried calamari down by a marina; I can’t find that in Pittsburgh at all. Total nightmare. They told me, ‘Go to a river.’ I told them to go up a river, with dumb advice like that. A butt river. Man, I’m hungry.”
  • The Houston Rockets took another win off the top-seeded Oklahoma City Thunder, 107-100, after James Harden exploded for 31 points. Both teams were missing their starting point guards, as Jeremy Lin joined Russell Westbrook on the sideline for the second straight game. “I talked to James after the game,” former teammate Kevin Durant said after the loss, “and he told me he is going a little Linsane with the lack of distribution. I told him that was pretty clever, and that I’ve got a bad case of Russell Westbrook being hurt, and us not being nearly as good without him.” Durant then ruefully shook his head before adding, “I need James back; he was always the funny one.”
  • Portland point guard Damian Lillard was named the unanimous winner of the NBA’s Rookie of the Year award. Though a favorite throughout the season for his explosive offensive skill set and keen sense for distribution, Lillard was able to convince holdout voter Teddy Unibrowski of the Detroit Unified Press Examiner to come to his side after a late-night meeting during which it has been reported that the use of artificial eyebrows was employed as a means of bringing Unibrowski over to Lillard’s side. Though Lillard has since denied that any untoward business went down on the campaign trail, he has been sporting a strange rash on the center of his forehead.
  • The Indiana Pacers secured a crucial home win, 106-83, and will have a chance to close out the Hawks in Atlanta. Indiana was inspired by the presence of former Pacers legend Rik Smits, who was in attendance. “It’s huge having Rik around,” Pacers forward David West said after the game. “It’s a big reminder to all of us that being a Pacer means something, and there’s no way we can fail in the first round. No, no, we’ve gotta get to the Eastern Conference finals before we break our fans’ hearts.”
  • Bruce Chen got the win as the Kansas City Royals overturned a five-run deficit to beat the Tampa Bay Rays at home, 9-8. The win kept Kansas City in first place in the AL Central, and brought the entire world one step closer to the brink of the apocalypse, as Bruce Chen got the win for the first-place Kansas City Royals in 2013. Bruce Chen got the win for the first-place Kansas City Royals in 2013. Bruce Chen got the win for the first-place Kansas City Royals in 2013. Bruce Chen got the win for the first-place Kansas City — NO! MUST NOT COMPLETE THE PROPHECY! Moving on …
  • Though the Nationals beat the Atlanta Braves, 2-0, behind a stellar start from Jordan Zimmerman, the win was bittersweet as star outfielder Bryce Harper was forced to leave the game early with an injury. When asked what the injury was, Harper responded, “Looking at your face, punk,” before adding, “I’m sorry, I’m in a lot of pain, it’s just a bruise though. But seriously, your face is busted. Like my spleen might be, but hopefully isn’t. I’m sorry, I’m only lashing out because of the severe pain I’m in. That’s caused by looking at ya’ll. I’m so sorry guys, but get better faces, but I’m sorry, but you’re ugly, but I’m sorry.”
  • Barcelona, without the services of top scorer Lionel Messi, was demolished by Bayern Munich, 3-0, at the Nou Camp, and 7-0 on aggregate as the Bavarians advanced to their third Champions League final in four years. “We have clearly mastered our football,” Munich captain Philipp Lahm said in perfect English after the match, “so we’ve decided that we shall win by scorelines befitting American football going forward.” When asked to predict the outcome of their upcoming final against Borussia Dortmund, Lahm replied, “14-3, Bayern. Perhaps 14-6 if Lewandowski really comes to play, which I doubt highly, but it is possible.”