In case you were busy letting down the thousands of people who retweeted you by not getting yourself arrested at a public event, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- Despite being suspended for 211 games by Major League Baseball for violating the league’s drug policy, Alex Rodriguez’s appeal of the suspension allowed him to play his first game of the season, in which he went 1-for-4 in the Yankees’ 8-1 loss to the Chicago White Sox. “Tough game, but it’s good to be out there with all my friends, fighting the good fight,” Rodriguez said as he sat desperately alone both physically and spiritually at the team’s postgame press conference. “I’m at home when I’m with my teammates, and while I’ve made some mistakes, we all agree that the punishment I’m facing is unfair. Right guys?” Rodriguez then nodded confidently while saying, “Sure thing, Alex. With you to the end,” in a falsetto out of the corner of his mouth. Rodriguez then pulled out an acoustic guitar, and yelled, “OK boys, all together now,” before launching into an off-key rendition of “This Land Is Your Land.”
- In more positive baseball news, Jeremy Guthrie threw a shutout while Kansas City’s offense exploded in a 13-0 win over the Minnesota Twins. Guthrie, despite the win, was fuming after the game, saying, “‘This Land Is Your Land’? Seriously? Son of a bitch besmirches the game, and now he besmirches my family’s good name? He better hope he’s suspended before the next time we face the Yanks.”
- Justin Upton hit a go-ahead home run in the eighth inning as the Atlanta Braves won their 11th consecutive game, 3-2, over the Washington Nationals. Braves starter Mike Minor, who leads the team with 11 wins, continued to be a force in the rotation by allowing only two runs in six innings. When asked what size impact his development has made on the Braves, Minor responded, “It’s great to feel like I’m helping my team week in and week out.” When asked again what size impact his play is making, Minor responded, “A solid one. It’s nice to feel like I can be an anchor on this staff, especially with Tim Hudson out for the rest of the year.” When asked yet again what size impact his play is making, Minor narrowed his eyes and said, “Do you want me to say major? Do you want me to say a major impact so you can write, ‘Minor is major’? Well I’m not going to do that for you. Unless … wait, you can’t quote what I already said, can you? Damn it.”
- Rookie Astros starter Brett Oberholtzer outdueled a resurgent John Lackey as Houston topped the Boston Red Sox, 2-0. With the win, Oberholtzer becomes the first pitcher since Marty Bystrom in 1980 to start his major league career with consecutive seven-inning starts without allowing a run. “Holy shit, Marty Bystrom?” Oberholtzer, a Delaware native, asked when told of his accomplishment. “Phillies postgame analyst and director of broker development for Aflac Pennsylvania Marty Bystrom? Wow. Legend. Wow. Wow.”
- Packers tackle Bryan Bulaga has been ruled out for the upcoming NFL season after suffering an ACL injury during a weekend scrimmage. “It’s a brutal injury. You hate to see anything like it, especially to a guy as valuable as Bryan. The worst part is the popping,” said Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who had responded to the news by wrapping himself in bubble wrap from head to toe in a preemptive strike against what will be a sharp rise in blindside hits for the former MVP. “Everyone keeps popping my safety suit. It sucks.”
- Zack Greinke earned his 100th career win and raised his season batting average to .405 as the Los Angeles Dodgers stayed red hot, beating the St. Louis Cardinals, 3-2, for their 15th consecutive road win. Guys, you know that we here at About Last Night are all about fostering debate, and I think it’s time that we talk about how good Yasiel Puig really is. I mean, the guy is getting outhit by a pitcher on his own team. Where I come from, phenom hitters don’t get outhit by veteran pitchers. Am I saying that Puig shouldn’t be eligible for the Rookie of the Year award until he proves he can outhit Greinke? No. I am saying Puig shouldn’t be eligible for the Rookie of the Year award until he proves he can outpitch Greinke.
- A brutal day for sports concluded with an injury to driver Tony Stewart, who broke his leg in a sprint car crash at Southern Iowa Speedway. The wreck is the third in a month for Stewart, which seems like a lot for a driver of Stewart’s caliber. Guys, you know that we here at About Last Night are all about fostering high-level NASCAR analysis, so let me say, maybe he’s tired? I don’t drive very well when I’m tired. It seems like he’s racing a lot. Also, is he texting while driving? That’s also very dangerous, especially in a race environment. I would say Stewart’s biggest issues have been his lack of rest and his possible propensity for texting.
- New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has asked fans to “move forward” and stay united after quarterback Mark Sanchez was booed at the team’s training camp. However, Ryan later backed off his comments when told that the team would not dig the strategically located pits he had requested be placed in front of all known gathering places for Jets fans.