In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Philip Rivers threw for 294 yards and three touchdowns as the Chargers snapped a six-game losing streak with a 38-14 win over the Jaguars. “It’s disappointing not to make it to seven,” said Chargers coach Norv Turner, “but wait, is this the playoffs?”
- Cubs great Ron Santo was the only player elected to the Hall of Fame this year, and his election came a year after he died. When he heard the news, Tim Tebow immediately volunteered to tell Santo on behalf of everyone.
- Oregon defensive back Cliff Harris was dismissed from the team after yet another violation of team rules. But to be fair to Harris, it never specifically says in the rule book that you can’t spell your name in gasoline at the 50-yard line and then try to escape by riding a large dog.
- The Miami Marlins met with Albert Pujols twice on Monday in their ongoing attempt to sign the slugger. “We’re just like the Florida Marlins,” team representatives said in their pitch to Pujols, “but more multicultural, and with an ambiguously pansexual shirtless-roller-skating vibe.”
- The NHL has approved a “radical” four-conference alignment plan that would ensure that every team plays every other team at least once. Unfortunately, the format of the games will still be “professional ice hockey.”
- Kurt Busch is leaving Penske Racing, a choice both sides called mutual. Man, I never thought I’d see the day.
- Frustrated after his team was kept out of a BCS bowl, Boise State coach Chris Peterson told reporters that the system was fatally flawed and everyone was tired of it. “Not everyone,” said former Soviet premier and all-around dick Josef Stalin.
- The five Heisman finalists have been announced, and they are Andrew Luck, Trent Richardson, Robert Griffin III, Tyrann Mathieu, and Montee Ball. The voters plan to carefully consider statistics, records, and other intangibles before giving the award to Andrew Luck because come on, he’s ANDREW FRIGGIN’ LUCK, YOU GUYS! WOOOO!
- Sources have reported that the New Orleans Hornets may trade point guard Chris Paul before the season begins on Christmas Day. Then again, they’re also thinking about waiting until just after Christmas so they can save on shipping.
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