In case you were busy canceling your North Korean summer vacation plans, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- The 2013 NBA All-Star reserves were announced on Thursday, and the Golden State Warriors were the unlikely story. Forward David Lee will be Golden State’s first All-Star Game representative since Latrell Sprewell in 1997, while guard Stephen Curry was arguably the most controversial exclusion from the roster. Lee celebrated with a tribute to the former Golden State star, by feeding Sprewell’s children. Meanwhile, Curry consoled himself with a tribute to the former Golden State star, by buying himself a yacht from a police auction.
- Kevin Garnett and Carmelo Anthony put their recent altercation aside as the New York Knicks topped the Boston Celtics on the road, 89-86. It was the first time the Knicks had won in Boston since 2006. When asked about the lack of jawing between him and Anthony during the game, Garnett responded, “Oh, man, I totally forgot to trash talk all night. I’m such a bonehead. Classic Garnett, right? Too busy just playing basketball to get into it with my opponent.”
- DeMar DeRozan knocked down a buzzer-beating jump shot, giving the increasingly frisky Toronto Raptors a 97-95 win in Orlando over the Magic. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of the Raptors being “increasingly frisky,” it’s also currently acceptable to refer to them as “up-and-coming,” “plucky,” “gusto-filled,” or “spunky,” and to replace all official Raptors team photos with images of Depression-era orphans with soot on their faces.
- An increasingly frisky UCLA team took down the Arizona Wildcats on the road, 84-73, behind 23 points from freshman Shabazz Muhammad to move back into Pac-12 championship contention. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of anything connected to UCLA coach Ben Howland being described as “increasingly frisky,” it’s also acceptable to refer to Howland himself as “sorta creepy,” “suspiciously good at recruiting, given his lack of apparent personality,” or “that weird Bruce Willis/Gene Hackman hybrid–looking dude,” and to replace all official pictures of him with former UCLA coach John Wooden.
- Former Ravens’ offensive Coordinator Cam Cameron said head coach John Harbaugh’s decision to fire him was “a brilliant move.” Cameron, who was reportedly considered for the New York Jets offensive coordinator position, was not hired, as Jets head coach Rex Ryan wants to make sure that his is the most brilliant firing of 2014.
- Brandt Snedeker and K.J. Choi sit atop the Farmers Open leaderboard after shooting an opening round 65. “What a disaster,” Snedeker lamented after the round. “My accountant was insistent: ‘You have to miss the cut, you can’t possibly afford another six-figure payday.’ Curse my foolish pride! Morty is gonna be so cross with me.”
- Barcelona topped Malaga, 4-2, in an electric second leg of their Copa Del Rey quarterfinal match. This sets up a pair of Classicos, as Barcelona will now face Real Madrid in the semifinals of the competition. “I know little Leo will be ready for me,” Madrid forward Cristiano Ronaldo said after the matchup was finalized. “He’ll be plotting, scheming, planning for my presence, in what we both know will be another legacy-defining matchup.” When asked about his preparation for Ronaldo, Leo Messi said, “Who? Oh, Cris? Yeah, I don’t really deal with him much in our scheme, so I hadn’t really thought about him at all.” “Mind games!” Ronaldo yelled when he heard Messi’s comments. “Oh, if he wants mind games, then mind games he will get.” Messi was later seen in his driveway, staring at his trash cans, confused as to how the recycling and regular garbage had gotten all mixed together before collection day.
- The Atlanta Braves made a big splash in the trade market, acquiring Justin Upton from the Arizona Diamondbacks in a seven-player deal. The trade unites Justin with his older brother, B.J. Upton, in a move the Braves hope will push both players to maximize their five-tool skill sets. Unfortunately for the Braves, “B.J.” stands for “Big Justin,” which will likely lead to a heap of confusion for both men, as they will both respond to “Justin” while patrolling the outfield.
- Thursday marked the first day of the Winter X Games 17 in Aspen, with the first gold medal awarded to Levi LaVallee in Snowmobile Freestyle. Based on what I saw last night, Snowmobile Freestyle is an event where suicidal young men attempt to be crushed by their own snowmobiles in exchange for medals, while shell-shocked survivors from previous competitions yell meaningless phrases and faceless judges appraise the well-being of the survivors. I’m genuinely sad it won’t be on TV again until next year.