In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Matt Cain pitched 5.2 scoreless innings and the Giants won their record-tying sixth elimination game of the postseason, routing the Cardinals 9-0 to reach the World Series. The only hiccup came when rain began to fall late, and Tim Lincecum repeatedly wandered out to the field while the game was going on, holding out his hands and saying, “It’s all so beautiful!” as he wept.
- After tying an NLCS record with 14 hits, 36-year-old Marco Scutaro was named the series MVP. As he was presented the award, Matt Holliday came barreling into him with a sideways roll that everyone over the age of 70 called “a good, clean slide.”
- The Bears defense held Matthew Stafford and the Lions in check, winning 13-7 and moving to 5-1 on the year. There was a brief moment of concern for the Bears when Jay Cutler stayed down after taking a hard hit from Ndamukong Suh, but it turned out he was just trying to take a quick nap.
- Speaking on a radio broadcast, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league may drop the Pro Bowl if the quality of play doesn’t improve. “Either that, or I’ll just stand on the sideline with a pistol watching for signs of lazy effort,” said Goodell. “I’m leaning toward the pistol.”
- The Packers confirmed that safety Charles Woodson broke his collarbone in Sunday’s win over St. Louis and will be out for roughly six weeks. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “MAYBE NOW PEYTON WILL FINALLY WIN THAT HEISMAN OR SOMETHING. LOOK, GUYS, I AM IN DEEP TROUBLE. YOU MAY REMEMBER FROM YESTERDAY THAT I CHALLENGED PENNY’S NEW BOYFRIEND TO A DUEL. HE IS A WIND-POWERED ROBOT NAMED HEZEKIAH THORN AND HE IS 8-0 IN DUELS FOR HIS LIFE. I HAVE NOT DUELED. I AM BEGINNING TO THINK THIS WAS A POOR DECISION. HE IS A FRIGHTENING ROBOT WHO WEARS A BLACK STETSON AND I FEAR THAT THE END IS COMING FOR OLD TERRENCE.”
- In a league-wide survey, NBA general managers picked LeBron James to win another MVP and the Heat to repeat as champions. And now, because my editors contacted him and he was available, please welcome for the first time the robot Hezekiah Thorn: “The wind is a most curious element. It cometh like a whisper, calling thee to thy reckoning. Penny? She is but a passing fancy, a plaything, a temporary salve to cure this bone-deep ennui. Soon I will leave her to what fate has chosen. Nay, my soul knows animation only at the hour of the duel, when in holy form I take the life of another. Terrence may amuse thee, ay, but his soul was forfeit upon the utterance of the challenge. His name was written in dust e’en as he spoke, and the wind cometh to erase the word. He may approach me in repentance, and I will usher him to oblivion in a swift gust. This is the only mercy in the world. But if he committeth the sin of pride, I shall coax him through the death act with terrible ministrations. I await his choice, and I pray he hath named a savior in his mind.“
- Dwight Howard told reporters that he’s still upset about not winning the Defensive Player of the Year award last season. And now, again, Terrence the Grantland Robot. “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. NO. NO. THAT IS — WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. SERIOUSLY. OH MY GOD. I AM GOING TO DIE.”
- Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw said his verbal spat with head coach Tom Coughlin Sunday began when he asked to run the ball more. The mental spat, though, began when he had a dream about Coughlin coming into his home and shouting, “I’m your mother!” while throwing silverware at the walls.
- Chiefs coach Romeo Crennel announced that Brady Quinn will be his starting quarterback and Matt Cassel will be benched for this Sunday’s game against the Raiders. Hey, wait a second why are black balloons and streamers falling from my ceiling? Where are those plaintive-yet-festive horn sounds coming from? Why are goths running into my living room holding giant novelty checks? What’s that, somber goth lady? Oh, I just wrote the most comprehensively depressing sentence in the history of the universe? Ever? Wow! So honored!