The Knicks are the greatest. You know this. Did you see they signed J.R. Smith to a four-year deal last week, then found out that he’s got ligament damage and is out for the next four months? Every time you think the Knicks have out-Knicksed themselves with something like the Andrea Bargnani trade, they go out and up the ante.
And, hey, good news! The most surreal team in the NBA just signed the most surreal player in the NBA, and now Metta World Peace is going to be in New York City. Putting Metta anywhere in America would be fun — Utah! — but in New York City, the possibilities are truly endless. To help start the brainstorming process, we came up with handful of ideas for Mr. World Peace during the next two years.
Metta, if you’re reading, just know that we’re dead serious about all this.
We believe in you.
OK, a quick checklist for the next 24 months …
- Take Andrea Bargnani to Queensbridge, steal his wallet, leave him there.
- Break another camera after the first preseason game.
- I don’t care how or when, but add your name to at least one Dorrian’s guest list.
- Play the blues with James Dolan.
- Hire three friends from Queensbridge to hang out at the Cablevision offices and curse out Dolan every single day.
- “After a brief conversation with the police, World Peace put on his Cookie Monster pajamas and accompanied them outside.” Bring back those pajamas.
- Give Frank Isola an atomic wedgie at media day.
- Start a Broadway production company with Tyson Chandler.
- Take a month off midseason to star in the Broadway rendition of Spider-Man.
- Lecture Carmelo Anthony during every timeout about how he’s not really from New York.
- Find those dudes from How to Make It in America and finally launch that clothing line.
- Mistake LaLa for Rosario Dawson for the entire season.
- Organize hangouts with Andray Blatche every weekend. Never show up.
- Write a novella with Woody Allen.
- Buy courtside season tickets for Fat Joe, make him the new Spike Lee.
- Convince the Knicks to sign Lavor Postell and Bootsy Thornton, because those St. John’s teams were awesome.
- Become best friends with Pablo Prigioni, force him to get this as a tattoo.
- Record another rap album.
- Make it a Watch the Throne–type thing with Anna Wintour.
- Find Redman, get an apartment together in Staten Island.
- Chinese New Year’s parties with Metta World Peace and Redman.
Happy Chinese New Year to all my Chinese fans! Have a great year of the snake!
— Metta World Peace (@MettaWorldPeace) February 6, 2013
- Play point guard. Fuck it.
- Cameo on Girls. Jessa’s got a new NBA friend.
- Weekly podcasts with J.R. Smith. Obviously.
- Create a fake persona as a 23-year-old white girl, Snapchat politicians every day until you’ve got incriminating photos of everyone at City Hall.
- Get elected mayor of New York City.