Yep. This second-by-second breakdown of the trailer for A Warrior’s Heart absolutely needed to happen. Take it away, Katie Baker!
0:08: Standard cinematic rendering of a prep school: overly fussy uniforms (betcha there will be an edgy female character who pushes the limits on hers by wearing Doc Martens), brick, and a requisite dark-haired beauty.
0:10: Furthering the Cruel Intentions-y vibe: Weren’t Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene playing brother and sister just recently?
0:14: Is she saying “confidence” or “competence?” It kind of sounds like the latter, but how would she know? He wasn’t even the one driving the car! I wonder what’s in the box …
0:20: … oh man, it was a twig, obv. LAX PRACKY! SUNS OUT GUNS OUT! PINNIES! (“Do you ever not wear a lax pinnie?” “Psh, yeah, when I’m hooking up with chicks!”)
0:21: “The name’s Connor.” “Brooklyn.” I can’t. Tragically, there’s no last name listed on IMDb for Brooklyn, which means I can’t properly rank her on the lady laxer name scale, on which Mackenzie McKenzie is the perfect 10.
0:29: The school is named Brierfield. I imagine that Boatminster, St. Lakesford, Kingsley Hall, Wealtham, and Waspengrove also came out of the Gossip Girl Prep School Name generator.
0:30: Nice STX banner hanging in the background. Wonder if a marketing exec and a producer were fratbros back in C-ville. Still can’t make up for the free product placement Warrior is getting via the title, though. Maybe Under Armour already has a response in the works, a la Armageddon/Deep Impact or Saving Private Ryan/The Thin Red Line.
0:35: Go on, tell me a little bit about the game he loves.
0:38: OH MY GOD MOHAWKED LOINCLOTHED NATIVE AMERICANS RUNNING THROUGH A MEADOW. I REPEAT: MOHAWKED LOINCLOTHED NATIVE AMERICANS RUNNING THROUGH A MEADOW.
0:43: Lacrosse “requires teamwork, strategy, and a bit of violence.” Like b-school!
0:45: Oh, or like war.
0:48: Can we go back a few weeks to Halloween? Because my costume is going to be “Do you play right side attack?” and I’m never going to take it off. (Says a YouTube commenter: “men’s lax doesn’t generally differentiate between right and left side attack. every attackman’s supposed to be ambidextrous. GLARING errors.”)
0:56: Again with the war. A friend of mine imagined the production meeting: “Wait, this is too much of a movie for rich people by rich people. What can we do?” “Hmm, something with Iraq?” “Perfect, done. My daughter just sent me a text asking that we get Kellan Lutz for the lead. Don’t know her. She hot?”
1:01: The girl from Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken is the mom. Great movie. I am old.
1:10: TROPHY CASE SMASH. I notice the glass was already broken. He definitely did that with his stick, right?
1:13: “You’re not going anywhere, Conor Sullivan.” Pitch-perfect name. Only Brodie would have been better. Per IMDb, there’s also a Keegan Sullivan in the movie, presumably a little brother. Shades of the legendary Stanwick fam!
1:18: Production meeting, continued: “Hey, can we get that dude from the tribal casino storyline in Big Love? Can you believe how they just conveniently swept that whole side plot under the rug? Oh well, Ginnifer Goodwin is hot. Do we already have someone playing the mom?”
1:25: We’re now in the “shirtless and poignant” portion of the evening. I’m back to perusing IMDb. Highlights include the role of “DUKE Scout” and this lady in the role of “Lacrosse Mom (uncredited).” They also have a character called Riggins. Shameless.
1:31: This voice-over chick could really use some snappier lines. “It’s hard to say if warriors are born, or if they’re made by circumstances.” That’s worse than a hacky college sportswriter lede, which is saying a lot.
1:45: I hope Regina Spektor bought herself a nice new quirky piano with the royalties from this trailer. The Venn diagram between her fans and people who will see this movie is the null set.
1:47: I bet Jesus was a laxer. He had the flow.
1:53: Chord Overstreet’s character should have just been named Chord Overstreet. GLARING errors.
2:07: I feel cheated. Was expecting this version of A Warrior’s Heart. The Crusades seemed way sicker.
Previously by Katie Baker:
Sidney Crosby’s Night
The Return of Sidney Crosby
Goalies Of The Week
Read more of The Triangle, Grantland’s sports blog.
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