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What Does the Prometheus R Rating Mean for Michael Fassbender’s Penis?

Fox has confirmed that Prometheus will carry an R rating from the MPAA, a huge relief to anyone afraid that the studio might compromise the film’s artistic integrity in pursuit of the box office-friendlier PG-13. Anticipating the news, last night Prometheus co-screenwriter Damon Lindelof took to Twitter to immediately address the throbbingly insistent question hanging over the production like a fleshy, engorged Sword of Dongocles: How will this impact Michael Fassbender’s enormous penis? But Lindelof’s tweet is nothing more than a cagey dodge, shaming the curious for their innocent interest while prompting more questions: Freed from the limitations of the PG-13, will they in fact increase the presence of Fassbender’s space-suit-straining robo-junk? And what does “deliver on more Fassbender dong” actually mean? Are they just talking increased screen time, or will cutting-edge CGI techniques be used to enhance the actor’s celebrated genitals from their now merely impressive proportions to something more frighteningly gigantic, which seem to not only break the plane of the screen when rendered in 3-D, but to punch a hole in the rear wall of the theater as Fassbender’s character misses on an attempt to spear an attacking alien with his weaponized manhood? We suppose we’ll get some answers when the film starts screening for critics, but this kind of confusion is what inevitably occurs when someone bypasses a studio’s official publicity channels and tries to take matters into his own hands. It’s always better to leave such PR snake-handling to the professionals.