What It’s About: A sheriff (Shaggy 2 Dope) and a crime lord (Violent J) battle for control of the Wild West town of Mud Bug. Also, many characters wear clown makeup.
Who It’s For: Fans of normal, classic Westerns, and also fans of people who wear clown makeup.
Big Money Rustlas is a comedy Western starring Insane Clown Posse’s Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, and their label Psychopathic Records produced the film. Beyond laughing along with the rest of the Internet over viral ads for the Gathering, I was not especially familiar with the genre of clown music before I watched this film. It certainly seems weird on paper. An interest in looking like a mean clown is a pretty crazy unifying quality for a type of music, but maybe just crazy enough to work. (It doesn’t work.)
But Big Money Rustlas is far crazier than I could have imagined. I’m not sure how you review a film wherein the most believable character is named Dirty Sanchez and an another actor is credited as Blaze Ya Dead Homies. “Call me Blaze. My father was Mr. Ya Dead Homies.” At one point, a CGI horse penis urinates straight down onto the ground and then retracts back inside the horse, as penises do. Where am I? Is this real life? There’s very little point trying to explain the tonal inconsistencies of a movie with cartoon animal genitals and a cameo by Tom Sizemore as himself, so I’m just going to describe the plot. I promise you I’m not embellishing.
Our story begins in the dusty town of Mud Bug, population 183. In a rowdy saloon, patrons drink Faygo whiskey and pick their noses. This is an Old West town, and we know this because everybody plays poker and also there is a tinny-sounding piano. Not everyone has clown makeup on, but Violent J’s Big Baby Chips does. He cheats at poker, then kills everyone at the table. No one complains because he is fat and scary and also backed up by Hack Benjamin, a masked henchman with a shotgun. Murdering everyone you play poker with does not seem sustainable in such a small town. The sign reading “Population: 183” is corrected by former wrestling star Razor Ramon (Scott Hall) (really) to reflect the recent murders. He talks directly to the camera about having sex with the dead men’s wives.
Big Baby Chips senses a change is coming to Mud Bug, one that will mean trouble for him and his “motherfucking money.” “It is easy getting paid in this town. Too easy. And for far too long.” Too easy and for far too long. I am not sure if Chips is quoting a poem here. Or maybe it’s the Gettysburg Address.
Meanwhile, Sugar Wolf (Shaggy 2 Dope) rides his horse toward town. Sugar Wolf has clown makeup on. There is the aforementioned CGI horse urine. The penis retraction is not cool, not cool at all. On his way to town, Sugar Wolf wordlessly rides up to a family and steals the wife. He has sex with her and gives her wine and cheese, and then she is heartbroken to see him go. This sends a complicated message, like much of the film.
We learn that Big Baby Chips and his crew (Hack Benjamin, Raw Stank, and Dusty Poot) rule over Mud Bug, which means they collect protection money by yelling “motherfucker!” This movie is an authentic period piece, because a lot of the dialog has the phrase “I suppose” in front of it. Raw Stank, or maybe Dusty Poot, says, “I suppose I fingered her a couple of times” and it is like a trip back in time.
Sugar Wolf and some Native Americans in the desert high five. One of the Indians has clown makeup on. Sugar Wolf autographs their tomahawks, and the Indians become so excited they do the cabbage patch dance. When Sugar Wolf arrives at Mud Bug, Razor Ramon updates the population to 180, which is not how censuses are really supposed to work.
Dirty Sanchez warns Sugar Wolf not to drink the water, as it’s “as polluted as a fat chick’s ass after running a marathon with no underwear.” I think this unnamed woman deserves our respect for running 26.2 miles in no underwear. A bartender informs Wolf that his mother, Handjob Hannah, lives at 69 Prickly Pecker Lane. His mother has clown makeup on. Sugar’s father was the sheriff, Grizzly Wolf, played by Ron Jeremy. Grizzly Wolf tried to run out Big Baby Chips, but Chips shot him in the back. Chips killed Sugar Wolf’s brother as well. Big Baby Chips and Sugar Wolf continue to be good character names. They continue to both have clown makeup on.
Sugar Wolf vows to clean up Mud Bug. Admittedly, the town is a mess. The town’s powerless sheriff is covered in cobwebs, but he’s not dead; he’s sleeping. He must have been sleeping a really long time or those spiders are crazy. Wolf promotes the sheriff to deputy, which is backward. There’s more slapping. I forgot to mention that Sugar Wolf’s main gag is that he “pimp slaps” everybody he sees, anytime they say something, and there is an exaggerated cartoon slap noise. I hate writing “pimp slap.” To get him out of the way, new Sheriff Sugar Wolf sends his “deputy” to New York City to get some chili. While I am all for a Pace Picante “New York City?” joke, and I’ve made one before in this column, it seems like a bit thin for a whole plotline. Also, there is a noose hanging in the middle of the sheriff’s office. That seems like an odd place to have hangings.
Jimmy Hart, the professional wrestling manager, is winning at poker in the saloon. Chips accuses him of stealing, ironically, and breaks his hand with a hammer. The townspeople show up at the new sheriff’s office to mock him. Vanilla Ice is one of the people mocking him. It is a very quick cameo, like many in this film.
Big Baby Chips, which is still the character’s name, sets out to kill the sheriff. Sugar Wolf hires a night watchman, and a little person lady bakes him a cherry pie. She licks her lips so he starts masturbating for a while in front of her. The deputy accidentally goes to the Mexican border, then the Canadian border. A sneeze causes an avalanche and I assume he dies.
A ghost with laser vision shows up in the town and uses his laser vision to blow up a wagon and an outhouse. (Screech from Saved by the Bell was inside the outhouse. “I didn’t even get a chance to wipe!”) The night watchman pees his pants. The sheriff is having sex with the little person but stops to face the ghost. Dirty Sanchez throws Sugar Wolf a mirror and Sugar Wolf reflects the ghost’s laser vision back into his skull and kills him. It turns out this was Chips’s assassin, Ghost. Big Baby Chips apparently has a ghost assassin.
With Ghost dead, BBC decides to send in the Foot to kill Sugar Wolf next. Sugar Wolf has more weird sex with the little person in the woods and also a barn. (For some of the sex, he gets dressed up like a little girl, though he still wears his clown makeup.) The Foot is a guy in a steam-powered wheelchair with a giant foot who yells, “I’m the Foot, bitch.” Did this movie invent steampunk? Sugar Wolf and the little person both question whether the other washes his or her genitals.
Jimmie Walker and his wife Brigitte Nielsen show up at the sheriff’s office to complain about the Foot’s smell. The Foot’s smell makes people fall over sick. A store owner shoots the Foot a few times in the chest but the Foot feels nothing, and then he just kicks people over with his feet. Sugar Wolf yells, “I’ll come down there alright, but it’s your own ass your foot’s going to be going up in.” Again, Dirty Sanchez helps kill the assassin. He’s really doing most of the work here. They use a rope and a horse to pull the Foot out of his wheelchair. They kill him. Razor Ramon continues to narrate to the camera and change the town’s population. The masked guy with the shotgun disappears behind a cactus for no reason. (Assume “for no reason” is at the end of most of these sentences.)
The deputy, still headed for New York, runs into Tom Sizemore tanning himself in a mountain wearing modern clothes. “You’re Hollywood icon Tom Sizemore? I’m your biggest fan!” Tom Sizemore gets mad, then starts describing his whole career. The deputy walks away.
BBC’s henchmen get arrested, and even though they are in jail, Sugar Wolf slaps them a lot through the cell bars. Dirty Sanchez warns Wolf about the third assassin, which turns out to be the little lady he’s been sleeping with. It turns out she is a he, and Sugar Wolf throws up a bunch. I’m not sure how he completely missed the little person’s male genitals. The assassin shoots a hole in Sugar’s hand, and then Sugar Wolf beats him up. He puts dynamite in the assassin’s mouth and explodes his head.
The deputy makes it to NY, and it’s modern day. What a confusing film. He gets to the chili restaurant (the chili restaurant) and it’s a mobbed-up Italian guy. The deputy picks up the chili, and Mario the Chili Guy says he wants some weed from Sugar Wolf. Sugar Wolf grows weed, I guess. The deputy promises to have Sugar Wolf send this Italian guy in modern-day New York City some weed.
Hack Benjamin threatens the Night Watchman, and the Night Watchman pees his pants again. But for the last time. He is murdered by the now freed henchmen. Sugar Wolf is very sad.
BBC is running out of patience. Some singing girls sing a song about how they “wouldn’t let his pecker near my butt.” It’s a whole musical number and it is something else. With his shooting hand injured, Sugar Wolf loses his ability to pimp slap, so he drinks a whole bottle of whiskey. He cuts in front of the whore line at his mom’s house and cries. She tells him to get his act together. They both have clown makeup on.
Dirty Sanchez begins training Sugar Wolf to shoot with his left hand. This also involves pull-ups. He also trains Sugar to masturbate but it turns out to be butter churning. They challenge Big Baby Chips to draw for Mud Bug in 10 days. A training montage beings. He gets his pimp slap back. (I still hate writing “pimp slap.”)
BBC and Sugar Wolf meet in the center of Mud Bug. They are both wearing clown makeup. They take 10 paces and face one another. Their clown makeup glistens in the heat. The Deputy shows up with the New York chili and distracts BBC long enough for Sugar Wolf to shoot him. Dirty Sanchez kills Hack Benjamin. As he lies there dying, BBC tells Sugar Wolf, “I am your father.” They wipe the face paint off and now he’s Ron Jeremy. Ron Jeremy couldn’t handle being a lawman anymore, so he faked his own death. Sugar Wolf says, “I guess that sums that up. My father was nothing but a big money rustla.” What does that mean? What is a “big money rustla”? Sugar Wolf makes a wolf noise.
Then there’s a party in the saloon and Violent J pops out of the piano and there is a shoot-out credit sequence for no reason and all the dead characters are back. A lot of them still have clown makeup on.
When You Should Watch This Movie: When you’re in the mood for a classic Western that is like other classic Westerns. When you want to see a computer horse penis shoot pee in the ground.