The first details about Kimye’s wedding to show up in the press were surprisingly mundane, considering all the buildup to the event. The rehearsal dinner at Versailles and ceremony in Florence. Yawn. Nothing a Coppola couldn’t arrange by next weekend. The menu looked like any other rich people’s wedding menu. Why would they serve monkfish instead of rare calico lobsters or something? The Kardashian-Wests are not plebs! Where was the caviar sculpture of Kim’s body with an ice sculpture head that over the course of the evening melts into Kim’s current face? The gold-leafed bagels with truffle cream cheese that go for a grand each? The Yubari King cantaloupe granita? Why wasn’t the ceremony officiated by the hologram Michael Jackson? Where was the insane amount of disgusting extravagance that we have come to know Kanye and Kim for? They honeymooned in Ireland, for Pete’s sake. That’s so folksy and normal. I thought they were going to fuck on the mooooon!
Turns out we were looking at the wrong things. We should have been watching the throne. Yes, the alleged centerpiece of the wedding festivities was a gold box, nearly 50 feet tall, containing the toilets. According to “Page Six,” the “toilet was the star of the show” and the Italians nicknamed it Torre di Bagni Oro (“The Gold Toilet Tower”). This seems fitting; it’s a seat worthy of the new queen’s famous ass. Seating at the wedding was “a disaster” because the marble table that had all the guests’ names custom-engraved on it contained misspellings and didn’t account for various dates and entourages. The couple requested “30 life-size nudes to be made from black marble” four days before the nuptials, presumably because Kanye had a dream in which he was surrounded by black marble figurines and woke up vowing to make it happen, craftsmanship be damned. The sculptures broke on the way to the ceremony. Ten crumbled, 10 were too messed up to be displayed, and four of the good 10 were headless. They were displayed, minus heads, during dinner.
Ye also declared there would be no party lights, reportedly saying, “I’m in the center of this party, and I’m the only one people need to see. The rest of these people don’t need lights on them.” That sounds so true to Kanye form, it can’t possibly be accurate. He also decided to saw the bar in half an hour before the wedding began, horrifying the Italian construction team. Kanye closed the dance portion of the evening with “a 45-minute toast to himself.” Jaden Smith, in his white Batman costume, apparently spent the night throwing his cape over the head of unsuspecting guests like Vogue Italia’s Franca Sozzani. Like her beau, Kim decided to unplug some electronic equipment at the last moment after a beam of light shone on her crotch area. This rendered the Gold Toilet Tower without power for some time. And they forgot to get a place setting for Andrea Bocelli, so he was put in a limo and sent home after singing Carmela Soprano’s favorite song as Kim walked down the aisle. That’s the pizzazz that was absent from the first reports. It’s probably all made up, but it doesn’t matter. It’s perfect.