Grantland logo

Breaking Dawn Trailer: Gross

You know, despite our advancing age we like to think of ourselves as marginally “with it.” We knew what Jay-Z was talking about when he resurrected “snapbacks” in “Otis” — mainly because we still had them in the back of our closets from the first time they were cool — and we know that LMFAO stands for something you shouldn’t say aloud in polite company or at least during an NPR pledge drive. But lord almighty does this trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (!) make us feel a thousand years old — and not in a hip, Cullen sort of way, either.

Admittedly, we aren’t exactly Twi-hards. (For a time there we were struck by the strangeness of an entire generation of preteen girls losing their jelly bracelets over a 13-year-old Paul Newman flick.) But we’ll do our best to give you a status update on the comings and goings in this eagerly anticipated sequel. It seems that adolescent Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is now living every emancipated girl’s dream and marrying a billion-year-old vampire. The only person who has any sense to think this is a bad idea is a shirt-averse werewolf. After tying the knot, this May-December (of 1543) couple honeymoon in an exotic cabana and promptly consummate their terrifying union. (We know this because the pillows are ripped to shreds the morning after. Classic consummation!) Emboldened, they then do it in a waterfall. But this, as this most disturbingly conservative of blockbusters warns, is “only the beginning.” Of their fun, ageless partnership? Of complimentary champagne at the resort minibar? Of 10 years of hanging out with their single buddies in bars and passive-aggressively asking them when they’re going to get around to tying the knot? Of their househunt in Park Slope?

No — it’s the beginning of the instant hell spawn now growing within Bella’s belly like a chia pet huffing Miracle-Gro! What follows is a thoughtful and mature examination of the perils of teen pregnancy, told in the style of the highly regarded Romanian abortion movie, 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days. Psyche! What actually follows is insanity: Bella’s beelzebaby tries to kill her from within while a horde of supersized wolves try to finish off the both of them from without. It’s the feel-terrible, bed-rest hit of the season! We can see the poster quotes already: “If you see one picture about late-term demon birth this year, make it Breaking Dawn!” — Rolling Stone, “OB-GY-Oh No!” — The New England Journal of Medicine, “Gross!” — Grantland.com.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 opens November 18. Bring protection — no, not that kind.