For better or worse, House of Cards seems to have doubled down this season on one of its signature aspects: creepy-as-fuck sex scenes.
Another aspect that Season 3 seems to have doubled down on is Frank Underwood’s unique brand of wisdom. Upon realizing this, I had the idea to make a supercut of Frank’s delivered insights — and try to [Kate Mara voice] go viral. But about halfway through,1 I started to wonder if maybe it wasn’t worth the trouble. And so instead I decided that I would just write them out. But then that got boring, and so I made a list of the best things about Robin Wright. This triggered a national paper shortage. And so finally I had no choice but to type my Frank notes from memory.
Which is a long way of saying that these probably aren’t all perfectly recalled. But LIKE PLAYING LYKKE LI’S “DANCE DANCE DANCE” DURING A SCENE ABOUT DANCING, they get the point across. Here [no spoilers] are my favorite pearls of Frank Underwood wisdom from the first three seasons of House of Cards:
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• “I love her more than sharks love blood.”
• “A lion does not ask permission before he eats a zebra.”
• “Money is the McMansion in Sarasota that starts falling apart after 10 years. Power is the old stone building that stands for centuries.”
• “First rule of diplomacy: Stop while you’re ahead.”
• “Men like you don’t show up for dinner without an appetite.”
• “As we say in the South, cake is just pie that can’t swim.”
• “Money is a yacht at the bottom of a volcano. Power is an acoustic guitar in a dorm room in 2004.”
• “The truth is like Red Bull: It won’t get you high.”
• “As we say in the South, pie is just oatmeal with a good hand in poker.”
• “Money is eating healthy. Power is giving your business card to someone else’s pet.”
• “Friendship is like recycling: Who cares?”
• “Never Gchat an ostrich after sunset.”
• “As we say in the South, oatmeal is just soup that won’t smile.”
• “Second rule of diplomacy: There is no second rule of diplomacy.”
• “Money is half a Ritz cracker on a picnic table in a hurricane. Power is a foot massage from Michael Douglas when it’s not your birthday.”
• “Third rule of diplomacy: There is no third rule of diplomacy.”
• “Children are like great sandwiches: Good burritos are better than them.”
• “Money is sexting with commissioned stock photos. Power is being the only one of your friends who owns Step Up.”
• “As we say in the South, soup is just a laser printer in that shirt you know I like.”
• “Never tell a crocodile a secret if you plan on teaching it to talk.”
• “Fourth rule of diplomacy: Don’t make out at parties.”
• “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me — I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb: With her finger and her thumb in the shape of an ‘L’ on her forehead. Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn’t make sense, not to live for fun — your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.”
• “As we say in the South, a laser printer is just a cigarette with a fancy lawyer.”
• “Money is a letter from your grandmother with $5 in it. Power is the show where the coach from Friday Night Lights gets the newspaper early.”
• “Don’t buy a dog a Pepsi unless you’re the one holding the leash.”
• “The Constitution is like gum: You won’t die from swallowing it.”
• “Money is snorting crushed-up Smarties off the small of an unfinished dinosaur prototype. Power is throwing a salt shaker at the wrong ghost.”
• “I love her more than snakes love when you whisper the secret snake password.”
• “Sex is like chess: It’s fun online.”
• “$4 mil from Def Jam and I ain’t sell a record for ’em.”
• “As we say in the South, a cigarette is just a sunset wearing a watch.”
Sam Donsky (@danceremix) is a writer in Philadelphia.