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Truly the Best List of Real Frank Underwood Truth Bombs

Here [no spoilers] are my favorite pearls of Frank Underwood wisdom from the first three seasons of ‘House of Cards.’

For better or worse, House of Cards seems to have doubled down this season on one of its signature aspects: creepy-as-fuck sex scenes.

Another aspect that Season 3 seems to have doubled down on is Frank Underwood’s unique brand of wisdom. Upon realizing this, I had the idea to make a supercut of Frank’s delivered insights — and try to [Kate Mara voice] go viral. But about halfway through,1 I started to wonder if maybe it wasn’t worth the trouble. And so instead I decided that I would just write them out. But then that got boring, and so I made a list of the best things about Robin Wright. This triggered a national paper shortage. And so finally I had no choice but to type my Frank notes from memory.


1.

Turning my computer on.

Which is a long way of saying that these probably aren’t all perfectly recalled. But LIKE PLAYING LYKKE LI’S “DANCE DANCE DANCE” DURING A SCENE ABOUT DANCING, they get the point across. Here [no spoilers] are my favorite pearls of Frank Underwood wisdom from the first three seasons of House of Cards:

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• “I love her more than sharks love blood.”

• “A lion does not ask permission before he eats a zebra.”

• “Money is the McMansion in Sarasota that starts falling apart after 10 years. Power is the old stone building that stands for centuries.”

• “First rule of diplomacy: Stop while you’re ahead.”

• “Men like you don’t show up for dinner without an appetite.”

• “As we say in the South, cake is just pie that can’t swim.”

• “Money is a yacht at the bottom of a volcano. Power is an acoustic guitar in a dorm room in 2004.”

• “The truth is like Red Bull: It won’t get you high.”

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• “As we say in the South, pie is just oatmeal with a good hand in poker.”

• “Money is eating healthy. Power is giving your business card to someone else’s pet.”

• “Friendship is like recycling: Who cares?”

• “Never Gchat an ostrich after sunset.”

• “As we say in the South, oatmeal is just soup that won’t smile.”

• “Second rule of diplomacy: There is no second rule of diplomacy.”

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• “Money is half a Ritz cracker on a picnic table in a hurricane. Power is a foot massage from Michael Douglas when it’s not your birthday.”

• “Third rule of diplomacy: There is no third rule of diplomacy.”

• “Children are like great sandwiches: Good burritos are better than them.”

• “Money is sexting with commissioned stock photos. Power is being the only one of your friends who owns Step Up.”

• “As we say in the South, soup is just a laser printer in that shirt you know I like.”

• “Never tell a crocodile a secret if you plan on teaching it to talk.”

• “Fourth rule of diplomacy: Don’t make out at parties.”

• “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me — I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb: With her finger and her thumb in the shape of an ‘L’ on her forehead. Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn’t make sense, not to live for fun — your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.”

• “As we say in the South, a laser printer is just a cigarette with a fancy lawyer.”

• “Money is a letter from your grandmother with $5 in it. Power is the show where the coach from Friday Night Lights gets the newspaper early.”

• “Don’t buy a dog a Pepsi unless you’re the one holding the leash.”

• “The Constitution is like gum: You won’t die from swallowing it.”

• “Money is snorting crushed-up Smarties off the small of an unfinished dinosaur prototype. Power is throwing a salt shaker at the wrong ghost.”

• “I love her more than snakes love when you whisper the secret snake password.”

• “Sex is like chess: It’s fun online.”

• “$4 mil from Def Jam and I ain’t sell a record for ’em.”

• “As we say in the South, a cigarette is just a sunset wearing a watch.”

Sam Donsky (@danceremix) is a writer in Philadelphia.