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True Blood Season 5, Episode 5: ‘Let’s Boot and Rally’

Sookie gets ready for an epic night of consummation with Big Dick Werewolf Richie (Joe Manganiello shall henceforth be known as B.D.W.R. after his role in Magic Mike) after some frantic hump-style petting on the couch. He carries her upstairs and she goes so far as to put her hair into a blow job ponytail before they are interrupted by Sookie’s gastrointestinal issues and two lurky vampire ex-boyfriends watching them from the bedroom doorway. Curses! Fangblocked again!

Lafayette talks out loud to himself like this is Shakespeare or Passions. He looks in the mirror and sees himself as the blue brujo demon, apparently not recognizing his new potential to win RuPaul’s Demon Race. May the best demon win! Lafayette stomps on the mirror and begs the universe for some help with the condition of his rapidly deteriorating mental health.

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“OH HEY. IT’S COOL. DON’T MIND US, JUST KEEP GOING.”

Terry and Noel from Felicity are waylaid at the Black Acid Co-op by their psychotic pal from the army, who questions their reasons for coming. Jason Stackhouse wakes up in He-Man pajamas on Christmas for a Bobby Draper fantasy about his childhood that turns into a nightmare where his parents’ necks spurt blood into his breakfast cereal and his mom asks if he wants some morning head. He wakes up and asks Siri what year it is and tells her to order him a bowl of Cheerios floating in tomato soup.

Arlene tells her house guest Frank Sobotka to put some damn clothes on. Apparently she doesn’t know about the strict “No Pants” policy for men in Bon Temps. He thigh-clamps a denim pillow and picks up a dispatch call. At Sookie’s house, her exes are being suuuuuuuuper bitchy about walking in on her gagging on Alcide’s scruff. Nobody asked you to come over, guys! Don’t you have Authority stuff to be doing? They want to recruit her to de-glamour Russell so they can give him a makeunder.

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FML and my many competing handsome supernatural love interests.

Alcide looks like he wants to rip off his henley and use it to choke out the Glimmer Twins. They get in a three-way shouting match that ends with Sookie in hysterics. Having gained the new power of self-awareness, Sookie realizes out loud that all of her serious lovers are going to coexist in Bon Temps, peacefully or otherwise. There’s no quarantining the past. The disgusting orange drinks wearing off, she becomes aggressive and scrappy, commandeering her fleet of hot dudes.

At Fangtasia, a sexed-up Tara is combing the crowd in a bustier and bantering with a big-ol’-haired Pam about slavery. Tara gets put on bartending duty, where her distaste for a peppy blonde patron ends in a surprise feeding and subsequent choking out at Pam’s hand. Pam tells her not to feed all over her “exquisite clothes.” Jessica walks in wearing light chola makeup and a ginger bouffant.

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“I like to come here sometimes to be alone and sing…”

In a parking garage somewhere, Sookie and her boyfriends mind-meld the guy in the kiosk to give them Russell’s location. Sookie sees a woman in black with a symbol necklace digging up Russell and caressing him with black-gloved fingers. Nora chants to the “Warriors of Lilith” and fondles her symbol pendant as the taunting pig-faced plastic man next to her gets fried.

Some Authority figures watch from behind double glass. Salome tells fake Christoph Waltz to inform Bill and Eric that their time is running out. She stalks the marble floors of the building and enters a secret passageway into a Bond villain lair. Christopher Meloni straddles concrete platforms in a tiny green moat and stares at a diamond glass vial of magical Lilith blood. Salome wants him to hold off the Sanguinistas somehow.

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“Ben was clearly the better choice for Felicity. Noel was kind of a drip.”

Terry and Noel check out Nutjob’s collage wall. Nutjob holds a gun up to Terry’s head, lowers it, and tells a spooky story about the evil fire’s guided missile powers. According to Nutjob, it’s because one of the Iraqi civilian women put an Ifrit curse on them before they killed her, which Terry confirms with a flashback. Ugh, I can’t with this damn show sometimes (most of the time).

Jason and Sobotka are investigating the corpse banquet at the cabin ranch. Jason tells Sobotka that the goofy strip club they went to last night was strictly for fairies. Sobotka displays slight supernatural phobia while admitting he paid for some sex while they were there and he doesn’t want his indiscretion getting back to his new witch girlfriend Holly. He grills Sam Merlotte about his dead shifter packmates.

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Bad Girls Club: Bon Temps

Tara pours Jessica a fake-blood cocktail while Jess suggests the two perennial outsiders take up a bad-girl friendship. Jessica explains that she looks at her constant hunger as a blessing, choosing to see her dark and intense vampire lifestyle as richer than a short boring human one. They swap locker room anecdotes about memorable feeds. Tara smiles as she considers Jessica’s statement that they’ll be young forever and however powerful they aspire to be.

Sookie sits between the garage guy and Alcide in a truck as they drive up to a warehouse compound for an after-hours. Bill and Eric bounce around in the back of the truck as Bill questions Eric’s sister/lover Nora’s loyalties. The unholy pair Skype in with Tina Majorino (as “Molly”) a clipboard-toting minion who warns them that the countdown on their iStakes has started and signs off by saying, “It’s been rad serving you.”

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“Come sit and have breakfast with the ghosts of your dead childhood, Jason!”

The team pulls up to the bumper of the estate in their waste management company truck. Bill orders Sookie to stay outside, but she cites common Scream logic and barges into the strange gray building ahead of everyone. Jason and Sobotka examine the fatal bullets and Jason shows off a newly inflamed prejudice against vampires, who he reckons have been killing humans secretly for centuries.

Sookie shines her flashlight through the dust of the hallways, accompanied by her troupe of supernatural male strippers. Tarzan has a bad flashback to pushing Russell’s strawberry-fleshed self around the abandoned hospital. Eric is not a fan of New York or its Vampire State Building. They continue to urbex the dead body and rat-infested lair.

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You’ve Come A Long Way Since You Clawed Out Of A Grave, Baby

Tara smokes a cigarette the Roger Sterling way, because YOLF! (You Only Live Forever) Her bitchin’ body is now fortified against a petty human death. Hoyt approaches in his ‘80s clubwear (a sleeveless blue vest, red tie, and eyeliner). He splits Tara’s smoke and tries to lure her into sucking his blood for a few minutes. She resists, possibly out of new loyalty to Jessica, but gives him the once-over eye as he walks away.

Sookie leads the CSI team into the morgue. Terry remembers his unit dousing bodies in gasoline and lighting them on fire. The smoke monster from Lost rises out of the pyre. Flashing forward to the present, Terry admits he saw the Ifrit. Nutjob (“Eller”) wants them to stay in the bunker, but Terry convinces him that the Ifrit has been waiting to get them together like this. Noel punches Eller and Terry makes a solitary escape to smoke outside.

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“Hey it’s me! The Smoke Monster from Lost! I just got a new agent!”

Noel tells Terry he didn’t see any Islamic fire demons. Downstairs, the smoke monster descends into the basement and squeezes the life out of the chained-up Eller. Lafayette wakes up from a couch nap to a hallucination of his dead boyfriend’s face on the table, his mouth sewn up with bloody thread. Lafayette’s mother Ruby Jean Reynolds (Alfre Woodard) turns to the disembodied head on her own side table and promises to tell her son.

In the hospital, the little Wizard of Oz crew (Sookie has always been a bit of a Dorothy Gale) find a group of straitjacketed prisoners pleading for their lives. One directs them towards Russell. Sam asks Luna for comfort and advice following the death of the pack. She sends him away before he finds out that Emma is going through were-puppy puberty. An anti-shifter mob in trucks (uh, wearing Obama masks?) shoot Sam and Luna in the stomachs.

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“I’ll be able to slap it, but I won’t have time to flip it and rub it down.”

As Christopher Meloni gives an inspiring speech about vampire pride to a crowd genuflecting before the blood vial display case, Jason kneels before his parents’ graves and vows vengeance on all fangers. Tara feeds on Hoyt in a bathroom stall while Jessica gets blood-curious with a blonde in the next one over. Jess overhears Hoyt and Tara and suddenly isn’t so into sisterhood anymore, breaking it up and brawling with Tara.

Christopher Meloni’s awesome voice rings through his marble palace as Sookie and her jacketed gang find Russell on a hospital bed. His skin has grown back and he’s pallid as ever. The vampires announce that they are going to finish the job of murdering him. Russell, recalling his lost love Talbot and their legendary vampire Smiths night “Fang the DJ,” tells them to bring it on. YOLF!