In the two weeks since our last post, a glut of trailers flooded the Internet, some good, some bad, some in between. So in an effort to be as thorough as possible and dedicate at least a few words to these cinematic appetizers, we reached way back into our arsenal of gimmicks to bring back the “One-Sentence Trailer Reviews.” Like last time, one of us had an easier time sticking to the plan than the other. (Guess who?)
Rembert and Dan
Now You See Me (June 7)
Silver: I had no idea Now You See Me existed, but after watching the trailer for this Prestige/Ocean’s Eleven/Robin Hood/Social Network/Batman Begins mash-up, it has quickly jumped to the top of my 2013 “must” list.
Browne: The only item on my “things that really don’t exist” list that tops zombies and owls is magic. NEXT.
Epic (May 24)
Silver: Cringe-worthy dialogue, like, “We are the Leaf Men, protectors of the forest,” and, “I’m going to destroy the forest. But I’m only going to do it once, so try to pay attention,” unfortunately overshadows Epic’s otherwise dynamic Avatar–meets–The Secret of NIMH woodland visuals.
Browne: I’ve watched The Lion King and Aladdin in the past week, so this trailer feels like the animated equivalent of Gigli. NEXT.
Django Unchained — Trailer No. 3 (December 25)
Silver: Lots and lots and lots of bullets. Seeing this film is going to be my Christmas present to myself.
Browne: When Rick Ross’s raps started playing, I thought my “Songs That Make Me Want to Rob a Bank” Spotify playlist had suddenly turned itself on.
Jack the Giant Slayer (March 1)
Silver: In spite of my (thought-to-be) unflappable devotion to all things Ewan McGregor, I so wanted to ignore Jack the Giant Slayer the same way I did Snow White and the Huntsman. But how can I pass up an opportunity to hear greatly and preposterous narration, and thusly legitimize, preposterous giant dialogue like, “Fee Fi Fo Fum. Ask not whence the thunder comes. For between heaven and earth is a perilous place. Home to a fearsome giant race. Who hunger to conquer the mortals below. Waiting for the seeds of revenge to grow.”
Browne: “Let’s cut a few of them down to size” is a line delivered in this trailer that sealed the deal on me not seeing this film.
I Give It a Year (February 8 UK Release)
Silver: This might be the McLuhan strain of my Anglo Envy (definition: an unflappable adoration of British pop culture, specifically comedy, BBC miniseries, and gangster movies) talking, but this trailer made me laugh from start to finish, so this might turn out to be one of the funnier films released in 2013.
Browne: The only thing that could have made this funnier is if, instead of being British, it was a film full of people with thick, almost-undecipherable Cajun accents.
Dark Skies (February 22)
Silver: The only way I’m going to see this film is if someone tells me that Dark Skies’ plot was what J.J. Abrams and Matt Reeves originally sketched out for the final season of Felicity.
Browne: Seeing as I’ve already made a GIF of Keri Russell slamming her head into a glass door, I have no other reason to see this terrifying film.
Snitch (February 22)
Silver: Written by Justin Haythe (Oscar-nominated Revolutionary Road), and featuring a bevy of solid actors in supporting roles, Snitch just might be one of those “legit” films disguised by a cookie-cutter revenge/action-picture trailer (à la Man on Fire).
Browne: Know that by comparing Snitch to Man on Fire, you just inadvertently compared Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to Denzel “THE DENZEL” Washington. [Second sentence alert.] YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT BACK, DANIEL.
The Baytown Outlaws (2013)
Silver: My interest in The Baytown Outlaws reminds me of how I felt about Smokin’ Aces. I just hope it doesn’t disappoint me in the same way.
Browne: I love my native South, but I’m so glad the North won.
Black Rock (May 17)
Silver: I fear this trailer may show too much, but since this is written by Mark Duplass (Jeff, Who Lives at Home, Cyrus) and directed by and co-staring his wife, Katie Aselton (The Freebie, Jenny from The League), I believe this seemingly generic thriller will be anything but.
Browne: Dan, if you would have showed this to me without context, I would have put money on it being an SNL digital short from an episode in which Kate Bosworth was the host. I already made a drinking game for Black Rock. There are 924 rules.
Killing Them Softly (November 30)
Silver: Clocking in at a breezy 97 minutes, Killing Them Softly might help me remember all the things I liked about Brad Pitt and Andrew Dominik’s first outing, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, instead of its interminable 159-minute run time.
Browne: Watching this great trailer 10 minutes after walking by Brad’s Chanel ads is truly a testament to Pitt being able to do whatever he wants.
Parental Guidance (December 25)
Silver: Nope. No. Never.
Browne: Never. Maybe. Yes.
Bad Kids Go to Hell (Out Now)
Silver: There’s no real reason to sit through this film, but as a trailer, 90 seconds is quite enough time to appreciate that someone attempted to turn The Breakfast Club into a horror movie, and actually got Judd Nelson to star in it.
Browne: I hope Judd Nelson’s AOL inbox is flooded with e-mails from his Breakfast Club costars, all with subject headings with some variation of “Bahhahahahahahaha.”
Möbius (February 23)
Silver: Here are my two big takeaways from this Möbius teaser: (1) Jean Dujardin is a super handsome man, and (2) Brad Leland (a.k.a. Buddy Garrity) really can make the explanation of almost anything sound menacing.
Browne: I’m so glad a film titled Möbius has something to do with the Möbius strip and isn’t some Pixar animated film about a bumblebee that has become separated from his family and somehow gets raised by eagles and thinks it’s an eagle and then reunites with its family at the end, like I thought it was going to be.
The Smurfs 2 (July 31)
Browne: Can’t lie, didn’t even press play.
Pacific Rim — Viral Teaser Footage (July 12)
Browne: I don’t know what’s going on. Please explain, Daniel.
Silver: Guillermo del Toro + giant monsters fighting giant robots + Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, Ron Perlman, and Charlie Day = hell yes!
Browne: Oh, OK. Fantastic.