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The Pregnant Jessica Simpson Quote Machine … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids

Jessica Simpson


Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: “No more blue valentines for Michelle Williams! The demure three-time Oscar nominee has fallen for longtime pal Jason Segel.” The demure Jason Segel, you mean. “They are smitten and very serious.” Despite living on opposite coasts, they’ve been spotted having dinner on both. “He put his arm around her and made her laugh as they walked.”

Pregnant Jessica Simpson Is the Best Quote Machine:

  • “Oh, my God, y’all. I just had a daydream that my vagina ate a bag of Skittles!”
  • “I made ‘slutty’ brownies today!”
  • “The average person expels gas 15 times each day. The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!”
  • “It’s time for my big girl panties and sleeping bra!”
  • “I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha. Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks, it will be like a fire hydrant!”
  • “I just started calling myself Swamp Ass. Like, I have ‘swamp ass’ right now. I had major swamp ass because I was wearing these Spanx to hold in my gut. It’s like the bayou up in that region.”

British Billionaire’s Star-Studded Mexican Birthday Party: “More than 250 luminaries, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Hudson, and Leonardo DiCaprio descended upon the Rosewood Mayakoba resort in Mexico’s luxurious Riviera Maya section for Topshop owner Philip Green’s nearly $10 million, four-day celebration. Guests enjoyed lavish pool parties. (Carlos Santana and Bruno Mars performed!)” Don’t you wish this had been a Hunger Games party where the celebrities fight to the death? “DiCaprio played beach football next to Naomi Campbell.” There is an awkward picture of that. “Each night had a theme and everyone took part. Picture Gwyneth and Hudson and Kate Moss all dressed in extravagant period clothes!” OK! I’m picturing it! What now? “On another night, everyone wore white. The earliest anyone went to bed was 4 a.m.!”

Kim K: “For Kim Kardashian, the treadmill has become a form of therapy. Working out twice a day — morning and night — the reality star sweats out her aggression, blasting the same song over and over on her iPod: the better-without-you anthem ‘Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)’ by Kelly Clarkson.” Kim only listens to music that reflects her reality TV narrative, duh. “I especially love that line, ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ I”m so ready, emotionally, for this chapter to be over.” ME TOO, KIM. “In a constant state of tears in the days after filing, she moved into her mother’s gated-community home in Calabasas, California, packing only sweats, Uggs, and heaven forbid, not a single false eyelash or high heel.” Not one high heel! Not even one! She also says she’s done with athletes. She wants “a lawyer or a businessman.” She says she no longer Googles herself. “Kim doesn’t care if she never sees another camera again. She is just a totally different person.”

Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana: “It’s over! Bradley Cooper is single again.” After dating Saldana for three months, the relationship has ground to a halt. “They’re definitely no longer together.” Saldana isn’t taking it too hard, despite being recently spotted hanging out with Cooper’s mom. “She and Bradley weren’t super-serious at all.”

January Jones: Betty was absent from the Mad Men premiere, but “January Jones, 34, says she has been eating her own placenta since giving birth last September.”

Misc/Etc: “the professional clubber confessed he’s addicted to pills” “cups on her mind and not the sippy kind” “swap child-rearing tips with Octomom” “no bromance here!” “I’m a slave to orange Tic Tacs” “I’m calling her Lola!” “I got stung by a dead bee once” “built like a baby giraffe” “dislodged morsels” “my little rump!” “Men want what they can’t have” “Justin Timberlake getting carded” “PDA with a mystery girl” “a female burglar armed with a brick” “I can look very cheesy” “while feasting on doughnuts and macaroons!” “it’s so big!” “emu oil” “”showbiz tendencies” “brawny new jams” “cloying gimmicks” “palpable heat”


Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom: “Career woes, cheating rumors and Khloe’s infertility have created a volatile situation.” Sounds like Trudy and Pete Campbell a couple seasons ago. “Lamar is super depressed. And Khloe is really having trouble handling his emotional issues. They’re only intimate now when they schedule sex.” A doctor with her own website says, “Infertility destroys marriages. Sex starts being connected with failure. It hits men in the heart of their masculinity — and then add to that being demoted at work, having to uproot and deal with your wife’s disappointment.” Lamar blew off steam at a D.C. strip club, bad Khloe hit Dallas bars with a female friend. “Lamar has become bitter and angry, and Khloe can’t take it much longer. They just have so much stacked against them.”

Kristen Wiig & Fabrizio Moretti: “Just four months into their red-hot romance, Kristen Wiig and The Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti have hit a sour note. Things fizzled quickly, because she’s ready to settle down and he isn’t. When she started talking about wanting a baby, he definitely began pulling away.” Wiig is now supposedly thinking about adopting. “Lately, she refuses to discuss Fab. I think Kristen’s especially upset about telling friends she’d found The One.”

Courteney Cox/Demi Moore/Jennifer Aniston: “Soul sisters? Seems not! Courteney Cox is leaving longtime BFF Jennifer Aniston in the dust as she hits it off with new bestie Demi Moore. Jen is so consumed with beau Justin Theroux that Courteney is ‘fed up with her right now.’ Jen’s obsessed with Justin, and she’s often not there for her friends when they need her most. Courteney stood by Jen when she went through guy troubles. Now that Courteney needs someone to lean on, Jen’s nowhere to be found!” I guess that theme song was ALL A LIE. But Cox has teamed up with fellow new singleton Demi Moore. “Demi’s filling a hole in Courteney’s life left by Jen’s absence. They’re both starting to turn a corner.”

Yikes! Urkel: “Jaleel White played clumsy dork Steve Urkel on TV’s Family Matters, but in real life, his baby mama, Bridget Hardy, tells Star exclusively that he’s an abusive cheater.” Under the subheading “DID I DO THAT?” Hardy alleges that White “followed me into the bathroom, pushed me into the toilet, and it broke. Verbally and emotionally, he’s abusive. He told me I’m not working, I have no money, I’m white trash. None of it was true. He texted me and offered me $200,000 to leave our daughter with him and have me go and start my own family. He basically tried to pay me off. I went home screaming and said ‘We’re done.'” She went through his phone and “discovered random photos of naked women. It was a lot of flirting like ‘Thank you for last night,’ or ‘I’m coming to your room’ at 4 a.m. He hooked up with one girl in our house. He hooked up with a girl within one week of me having the baby.” She felt powerless before Stefan Urquelle. “I was dependent on this guy. It was a very scary position to be in. I was always protecting him and keeping quiet for him. We still love each other, but we had a toxic chemistry.”

Misc/Etc: “Fur hag!” “the teen showed off his abs” “bumps on parade” “made friends with a marsupial” “funky focal point” “paints too dark a picture” “designed by petroleum” “cupcake-meets-push-pop hybrid” “partying shouldn’t surround an unborn baby” “She was so cliquey. It felt like middle school.” “the world’s largest cougar cruise liner” “I don’t see it ever being more than casual sex” “a friendly game of soccer with other electronic music stars” “she likes football players” “she went three days without sleeping” “intent on teasing him about his sexuality” “all the tiny little-girl outfits she can buy!” “She looks tired”

In Touch

Rihanna’s Partying Alone: “As an international superstar, one would think that Rihanna would constantly be surrounded by friends.” You mean hangers-on? “Onlookers were shocked to see the singer walk into L.A. hotspot Giorgio Baldi with only a bodyguard in tow. As she downed cocktails alone at a back table, the 24-year-old seemed to have a lot on her mind.” A witness says, “She just wanted to be alone.” Speculation is that she is “partying away the pain of her on/off romance with her abuser, Chris Brown. But her wild life may be creating even more problems. After a recent bash at Ashton Kutcher’s house, his girlfriend, Lorene Scafaria, flipped when she found out that women — including Rihanna — stayed into the wee hours.” An insider says “She was furious!” Rihanna is trying to make Chris jealous; “she couldn’t keep her hands off Drake” while dancing at a New York club in March.

Britney’s Cold Feet: “Back on top after the darkest days of her life, it would seem that Britney Spears would be thrilled to wed the loving, stable man who held her hand through the pain. But it’s been four months since Jason Trawick’s romantic proposal and the 30-year-old is hardly rushing down the aisle.” BUT SHE’S 30!!! “Britney hasn’t done anything to prepare for her big day. She hasn’t even hired a wedding planner!” O NOES! “It may seem strange that the singer — who sought her handsome Hollywood agent’s love and support amidst her stints in rehab and the psych ward — is so hesitant to tie the knot.” Maybe after a lifetime being handled by other people, she’s not sure that’s what she wants. “She gets so angry with Jason when he tells her what to do.” He told her to demand a higher paycheck for The X Factor, but she was happy to do it for less. “She loves how he has always been there for her, but Britney has never felt the passion for Jason that she had with Kevin.” Yes, no man will ever measure up to the passionate caresses of Monsieur Federline.

Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson: “Are in love … with money!” And free Mexican vacations. “Listening to a mariachi band while checking out the city’s sweeping views from their table, the reality TV twosome ‘didn’t kiss or even touch each other once. It’s the most romantic place on Earth, but they were totally unaffectionate.” Well, they’ve been to a lot of romantic places, okay! They’re only “pretending to head to the altar in order to scoop up some swag. The whole situation is a mess.”

Kim K Steals Eva Longoria’s Boyfriend: After “Kim rushed back into the arms of her ex Reggie Bush only to get used for sex and dumped again,” she “emerged from the humiliation more desperate for attention than ever.” And not caring how she gets it. “Breaking one of the most important codes of friendship, Kim has been throwing herself at Eduardo Cruz, the estranged boyfriend of her best friend Eva Longoria. Through a friend, Eva found out about their steamy secret romance, but selfish Kim doesn’t care.” Cruz and Longoria attended Kim’s wedding to Kris Humphries as a couple, and Kim supposedly helped Cruz pick out an engagement ring for Eva. Kim knows that Longoria wants Cruz back, but “that hasn’t stopped her from sending Eduardo flirty text messages and sexy pictures of herself.” Even though it’s gross, “Kim, 31, is lonely and desperate enough to betray her best friend. And so she’s pulling out all the stops to make Eduardo forget about Eva, from pointing out that she’s ‘younger than Eva’ and more willing to have babies right away, to arranging a top-secret romantic getaway with him. Another woman might at least feel guilty, but Kim actually seems to believe she’s in the right.”

J.Lo and Casper Smart: “What says ‘I love you’ more than having your girlfriend’s name tattooed on your nether-region? Nothing, if you’re Jennifer Lopez’s boyfriend Casper Smart.” Lopez “loves it, and she loves him.” Her love don’t cost no things, but it’s not adverse to being returned in the form of dick tattoos.

Misc/Etc: “Doing it in 3D is just odd” “she’s learning with a stunt baby!” “she’s a party girl” “obsessed with mom jeans” “diva duet duel?” “tongues wagged about her altered appearance” “a fistful of sand?” “SO BOSSY” “soothing hot baths” “Opera singer: former coke habit” “she wants what she wants when she wants it” “My baby will only fly private!” “Sipping on fine white wine” “sketchy and paranoid” “she gets hit on by men and women” “She used to give in to whatever he wanted, but not anymore.” “I like quirky and masculine” “cheap-looking minidress” “brings heart and her boobs” “Our helicopter got sucked into a black hole that sank a mile down into the ice”


Teen Mom Jenelle: “When I get new boobs, I’m going to cry. I will be so touched. It will be like a deaf person being able to hear for the first time.”

Jennifer Lawrence: “I’m a troll.”

Jessica Simpson: “I did get knocked up by a baller, a big football player.”

Kris Humphries: “Is finally opening up his heart again. Kris was all about taking numbers and having fun. He wasn’t really being considerate of girls’ feelings; he was more about just playing the field and keeping his options open.” But now he is back in touch with ex-girlfriend Bianka, a Canadian nurse. She says, “He thought I was a lot more attractive than Kim. He was funny, spontaneous, and he could be charming.” When they started to talk marriage, he “dumped her without a goodbye.” But in a post-Kim world, he “regrets his callousness. She’s a very down-to-earth, sweet girl. He admits he wants to win her back.” He has feelings for her, since she was his first real love. “Bianka lets him do exactly what he wants and she doesn’t really stress out that much. Kris can be the man in the relationship, wear the pants and be the focus. He really got his ego messed up when he was with Kim; he just kept feeling so emasculated by it all.”

Britney Won’t Do X-Factor? “Everything Britney is successful at is well-rehearsed and planned. A live show would be disastrous because it’s not a controlled environment.” She wants more money, but may not translate live. “She won’t be cute and funny. She doesn’t have that much to say. Not much going on upstairs of interest. Sorry, but it’s true.”

Misc/Etc: “At least I don’t have some fake-ass titties” “tangerine lips and light-lavender hair” “virtual train wreck” “isn’t completely camera-ready physically” “I really didn’t want it to suck” “vaulted some street water” “X-rated gummy” “showing you his toy duck” “I always hide flax seeds in everything” “the little brain chip that keeps us from saying embarrassing things” “I would never really consider myself an actor” “endearingly vulnerable” “I’m a rapper … that’s it.” “She gets tanning lotion everywhere and leaves used paper towels all over the ground.”