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The Kardashiad, Part 22: I Do Not Need Your Judgy-Wudgy Eyes

Keeping Up With the Kardashians

In their kitchen Khloe wraps her arms around Lamar’s torso and pretends he’s a tree and she’s a climbing vine. “I love my Lammy so much,” she says. “I feel like my honeymoon phase has never ended.” Malika beams. Lamar lets out an extravagantly telegraphed fart. “Love is seriously such a crazy thing,” Khloe says in voice-over. Lamar heads to the john, color-commentating the no doubt copious no. 2 he’s about to take. “I’m prairie doggin’ a little bit over here,” he says. If the news is true, let this be the way we remember them.

Bruce greets Kris by asking if she really needs to wear sunglasses in the house. She makes fun of his little white golf shirt and how high up he belts his pants. The doorbell rings; it’s Jeff Andrews, Kris’s interior designer. “Is there a design emergency I’m here for?” he asks eagerly, like somebody whose first time showing up fake-spontaneously at someone’s door on a reality show this probably isn’t. Kris tells him she wants to turn the Blue Room into a nursery. Bruce pretends to be upset about her deciding to redo the Blue Room without asking him first. He points out that they can’t just turn the closet into the “shelving situation” Kris is envisioning. They can’t just not have a closet in the Blue Room. Kris silences him. Jeff says, “What colors do you want to do in here?” and Kris says, “Well, that’s the 60 million dollar question.” Bruce’s eyes roll.

Kendall’s sullenly mashing together the fixings for a pan of Rice Krispies treats. She’s not thrilled about how many people are about to move into the Jenner house when Kim has her baby. “I’m still a teenager and so is Kylie,” she say, “and maybe it’s a little much.” What is she talking about? There’s an assistant in the shot, tapping on a mobile device. Jonathan Cheban walks into the kitchen; he’s been upstairs taking a nap. Totally normal. Kim comes downstairs and everyone makes fun of her snoring. “Only in my largeness do I snore,” Kim says. Kris tells Kendall that she and Kylie can’t have friends over for the first 40 days after the birth, so that Kim can have a calm environment. “I’m going to have candles burning, Zen music, people whispering, and everyone’s going to wear white, just like a spa, or an insane asylum,” Kris says, because she’s just a hoot and a half.

In a rare east-of–Western Avenue appearance, Khloe and Kourtney go shopping at Wacko. Khloe tries on a plastic unicorn mask. Kourtney spots a stuffed and mounted jackalope head, identifying it as a jackalope. Khloe asks how she knew that and Kourtney admits she read it off the sign. A stuffed and mounted jackalope head costs $170 at Wacko. Next door at Soap Plant they browse coffee-table erotica books. “I just need some sexy inspiration,” Khloe says. Her and Lamar’s anniversary is coming up and she’s planning to do a “fun, flirty … pin-uppy” photo shoot as a surprise for him. And everything is going fine.

At the driving range, Brandon and Brody make fun of Bruce’s weird butt-twitchy golf swing. There is talk once again of the putting green they want to install in the backyard of the Jenner house. “Did Kris sign off?” Bruce asks, and when they say no, not exactly, he says he can’t be involved. Bruce has a splint on his finger. Later, Kendall’s in a car driving Leah and Brandon somewhere. They have to blur the scenery outside the car windows, lest someone recognize their house and sue, I guess. The blurring makes it look like they’re driving through the world’s longest car wash. Leah tells Kendall that she and Brandon are probably going to be moving back to Malibu (from whatever yurt E! is paying them to live in now) and Kendall says she’s also been thinking about getting her own place.

Kourtney meets with the “fabulous photographer” Nick Saglimbeni to go over concepts for her photo shoot. Saglimbeni has shot several of the Kardashian family’s annual Christmas cards, including the 3-D portrait from 2011. He’s kind of their Sears Portrait Studio. But there’s totally nothing weird about him now shooting a bunch of boudoir stuff of Khloe. “My gut tells me we go straight for the art,” Nick says. “Black and white.”

“You and I are totally on the same page,” Khloe says. “It has to be my style, or it’ll be ridiculous.” The embarrassing “candy love tape” — no one says “sex tape” around here — that Khloe tried to make for Lamar a few seasons ago is once again shown. Khloe talks about how Lamar cackled when he saw it, how she just wants to avoid that. There are some fetish-y latex-y images on Nick’s screen. “Right, Bernard?” Khloe says to Bernard Hopkins, in a high, cutesy voice. “You can just watch your mom be a whore.”

Leah serves iced tea in jars. “I got this tea in Ojai,” she says. Always a promising start to a scene. Everybody pretends the Ojai tea is mind-bogglingly delicious. Brandon and Brody show Bruce some pictures they’ve taken of the backyard and start talking about where to put the putting green. Bruce grabs a Sharpie, starts sketching in where he wants the water hazards and the sand traps and the two discrete chipping areas. This putting green has to make up for the decades of disrespect Bruce has endured, not to mention however many years of disrespect he’s looking down the barrel of. One chipping area isn’t going to do it. Brandon restates the case for Bruce having a right to this putting green, noting that Bruce “makes a lot of good money on his own.” Did Bruce’s cameo appearance in Jack and Jill come with gross participation?

Khloe’s assistant shows up with a bag from Stockroom, a Silver Lake fetish store. (Maybe that’s why she went so far east.) Khloe tries on a latex catsuit in the bathroom. Malika can’t stop laughing. “I look like Missy Elliott in that video,” Khloe says, bummed out. Rob walks in. Rob says “Oh, yeah, baby,” and Khloe chides him for pretending to be turned on by her. It’s a start. Khloe says she was going for Halle Berry — Catwoman, presumably — but instead she literally looks like The Penguin. The suit smells like a giant condom and makes squelchy noises when she moves. Malika laughs at the noises. Khloe wiggles her arms. “You think I want to make these noises?” she says. “It’s like a queef.”

At the Jenner house, Kim meets with Jeff the decorator. “Did you see the recent references Kanye sent over?” she asks. Jeff says he hasn’t. Kim starts negging swatches: “I do everything the opposite of my mom,” she says. Bruce discovers that the garage — the closest thing he has to a man cave in his own home, where he builds his model helicopters — is full of baby stuff. There’s also a pink Vespa in there for some reason. Bruce and Kris argue about everything Kris is doing to the house. “I’m honestly gettin’ tired of it,” Bruce says. “There’s nothing for me here.”

Rob texts Kim a picture of Khloe in her latex outfit and Kim starts badgering Khloe to tell her what’s up with the catsuit. “You have to tell me,” she says, “or I’m gonna Instagram this.” Khloe starts explaining: “You know P!nk, how she does those acrobatic things?” Kim’s real underminey about it. Nobody else is allowed to be sexy. Khloe’s rattled: What if this just turns out to be the candy tape all over again? “Kim,” Khloe says, “don’t make me more insecure. I’ve already paid for everything, I’ve already set everything up — I do not need your judgy-wudgy eyes.” Khloe catches Bernard eating the pillow he’s hiding behind.

Brody and Brandon get as many of the Jenner/Kardashian kids together as they can, to ask for their support as they move forward with this pro–putting green project. Kim takes out her phone and films everybody saying they’re in favor of the putting green, so that it’s on the record. There’s nothing important about this scene except that Rob isn’t there but Burt is. Burt is Bruce’s first son. He looks like a sunburned Fred Durst; I was going to make fun of him for being the Jenner son they don’t talk about, but apparently he’s a race car driver or something. Anyway, Burt says “Aye” to the putting green. Burt Jenner, everybody.

Khloe and Malika take Bernard for a walk in some canyon. Bernard farts and Malika’s shocked. (Malika does some high-quality reacting this week.) Khloe says she knows; Khloe talks about Bernard’s farts and how between him and Lamar the house is perpetually befouled. “Good thing you have a candle line,” Malika says. Khloe’s assistant calls. Turns out Khloe made an attempt to cancel the photo shoot, but the photographer’s asking her to reconsider, because he’s already hired people to work on it and paid for labor and what-have-you. At the Jenner house, Kendall tells Kris that she’s found a place — a beach house with a pool table, perfect for a 17-year-old — and wants to live there for the summer. Kris shuts her down instantaneously. “Don’t ask again,” she says.

Khloe does her photo shoot, catsuited, in a sling. She starts the day feeling like “a circus clown reject” but by the time it’s over she’s satisfied with the results. “I probably would be so much fun at a water park,” she says, walking squelchily out of frame. Meanwhile Kim and Kris are in Kris’s closet, packing for a trip to New York and Paris. “You have some really great clothes,” Kim says, picking up a high-heeled shoe. “Kanye and I looked at these. He sent me a picture.” Kris says, “He bought those for me!” The fact that Kanye West is buying Kris Jenner shoes is not sufficiently followed-up on.

Then it’s World Famous Supercar Sunday at a Westfield mall somewhere, and Bruce is hanging out with racist/ventriloquist Jeff Dunham, because of course he is, and Jeff is leaning on a ForTwo smart car customized to look like the Batmobile, because of course he is. (According to the Internet, Jeff owns a street-legal Batmobile used in the 1989 Batman film, and he’s also into model helicopters, which may be how he knows Bruce, unless they’re part of some barbershop quartet made up of absurd celebrity dinguses or something.) Brandon suggests that Bruce enter a golf tournament so he can be conveniently out of town/plausibly deniable when it’s time to break ground on the putting green.

Lamar doesn’t laugh when he’s presented with the shots of Khloe in her Catwoman outfit. His reaction is positive enough that Khloe counts it as a win. Cut to some interview footage of Lamar in a weird shirt — I’m thinking archival footage — saying “Right from the beginning, Khloe was just everything to me. I mean, her taking those photos? Healthy, spontaneous — what’s beautiful with my relationship with Khloe, it goes beyond lovemaking.” It’s an awkward sound bite.

Kris talks to Kendall and Kylie and tells them she knows how concerned they are about how things are going to be around the house once the baby’s born, so she rented the whole family a summer house at the beach! Sure, that makes sense! And here is the beach house! It’s ostentatious. “One of the things I’m known for, amongst all my friends, is the way I move into a house,” Kris says in voice-over. She explains that by the end of the day, every picture’s on every wall and “not one box is left standing … It’s the thing that I shine at.” What an amazing thing to shine at. What an amazing thing to be known for among all your friends. Kris Jenner? Bitch hates her some fucking boxes, I’ll tell you that.

Work begins on the putting green. The foreman tells Brody and Brandon that it’ll take at least a week, and a discordant sting of uh-oh music accompanies a shot of them looking grave at this news. Meanwhile, Kim and Kris are in a car in Paris and it’s raining. “I kind of like that it’s rainy,” Kim says. “I think that it makes it magical when it rains here.” Thus approved-of, the rain continues. Kanye’s in the studio all day so Kris and Kim drive around going baby shopping. “The Lanvin baby stuff is like insane,” Kim says. She pronounces it Lahhhhn vaughn.

Bruce has been out of town playing golf and doesn’t know about the beach house yet, so Kylie takes him there as a surprise. She’s in high-waisted, acid-washed cutoff short-shorts and a Guns n’ Roses T-shirt with the logo blurred out. Bruce can’t believe the house is already decorated — does he not know what Kris is known for among her friends? There’s a vintage photo of Kris posing in a black bikini, back arched on the lip of a pool, hanging on the wall in Bruce’s room, which Bruce sort of grimaces at. Kylie starts cooking bacon and Bruce starts to worry about the putting green. “I’m actually kind of wondering if maybe I did the wrong thing and I was a bad boy,” Bruce says.

Kim and Kris go to Le Grand Colbert in Paris after 12 hours of shopping. “I think I’m just going to get a glass of red French wine and call it a night,” Kris says. She appears to be holding a dirty martini when she says this. Kim makes a joke about also wanting a glass of wine and somehow they start talking about how you have to do things you don’t want to do when you’re a mother, which in turn leads somehow to Kris saying, “I literally had to talk Daddy into having a fourth kid. Did I ever tell you what I did? One night I came downstairs in a fur coat, with nothing on underneath. He goes, ‘Why are you wearing a fur coat?’ And I whipped it open and I said, ‘I think it’s time to make a boy.’ He actually laughed, because he thought it was funny. And then we got busy.” Their fourth kid, of course, is Rob Kardashian, who has a tattoo of Kris on his forearm and is so fat and sad this show has started actively averting its normally pitiless camera-eye from him. The moral of this story is that sex is gross.

Bruce caves on the putting green in the end. The landscaping guys are putting the lawn back the way it was when Kris suddenly shows up, home early from Paris. Everyone homina-hominas. Kris asserts that the real reason she’s upset is that everyone’s treated her like the Wicked Witch of the West in this situation. “I’ve wanted you to do everything that you’ve ever wanted, ever, for 23 years,” Kris says to Bruce. “I’ve given you huge parts of the house and you don’t give a [bleep]!” Bruce walks out of the garden, although in the next shot we can see that he’s actually standing about 10 feet away in a little fenced-off area that looks remarkably like the kind of pen you’d use to contain a shitty stallion who’s forgotten how to run away. “You have made not only your kids feel sorry for you, but you’ve made my kids feel sorry for you,” Kris tells him. Eventually all the kids apologize to Kris and Brandon actually says this was Bruce’s fault, in a way, because he doesn’t stand up for himself. Kris says, of the putting green, that “the intent was amazing.” Terrible hugs.

Next week: Kylie says chokers are “so in” right now, and Kim says “Really?”