Welcome to the first annual GRTFLies Awardsies. I couldn’t think of a good title, so I just added the syllable “eez” to the end of the nouns — that’s how all award shows do it, right? Anyway, since the inception of this enjoyable filter through which we view the deplorable programming known as Reality Television, there have been a slew of people, events, and sexual encounters that deserve special recognition. That last part’s actually not true. Let me rephrase: There have been a slew of people, events, and sexual encounters that would be fun to point and laugh at one more time before clicking and dragging them to the trash can on your mental desktop.
The GRTFLies Awardsies is not an actual event yet. However, if it were, it would be held in the banquet hall of the super-scary Howard Johnson on the main drag in Atlantic City, it would smell like the locker room of a strip joint, and it would be hosted by Yahoo Serious. Yes, that Yahoo Serious. The show would start with a four-minute montage of all the greatest moments from the year in GRTFL past set to Kim Zolciak’s hit single “Tardy for the Party.” Yahoo would start the proceedings with his monologue. I won’t torture you with the whole thing, but he would make four jokes about his first name, two about his last name, two more about being from “down under,” and end with, “Steven Adler? I don’t even know her!” He would then mercifully introduce the first award as he walked off the stage in tears.
Dysfunctional Relationship of the Year
Presenters: Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr
- Roseanne [mailing it in like only Roseanne can]: “Tom, our relationship sure had its ups and downs, but in the end we always found a way to keep it from working.”
Tom [trying way too hard]: “Yeah, Rosie, let’s have a look at some other couples from this year in the GRTFL that put the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional.’”
Nominees: Sammi and Ronnie from Jersey Shore, Michael Lohan and Kate Major from Celebrity Rehab, Kasey and Vienna from Bachelor Pad, and Frank and Sobriety from the Real World.
And the GRTFLie Awardsie goes to … : Kasey and Vienna from Bachelor Pad
Voice-Over During Walk to Stage: “Kasey and Vienna couldn’t make it tonight because they’re filming their audition tape for Amazing Race. Accepting the award on behalf of Kasey and Vienna is the most troubling exchange from Kasey and Vienna.”
- Kasey: “Are you making a big deal out of it?”
Vienna: “I am not, you came upstairs and ripped a ring off my finger while I walked out of the bathroom.”
Kasey: “Because you continuously lead me on.”
Vienna: “Continue? If a girl doesn’t want to have sex with you, you don’t run upstairs and rip a ring off her finger.”
Kasey: “No, listen. I am just saying, don’t say you are going to do something and then not do it.”
Performance by an Inanimate Object of the Year
Presenters: Frank from Real World’s Headband and Snooki’s Alligator Pillow
- Frank from Real World’s Headband: “Well, Snooki’s Alligator Pillow, do you know one thing that we both have in common?”
Snooki’s Alligator Pillow: “Herpes?”
Frank from Real World’s Headband: “No, Snooki’s Alligator Pillow. We both are security blankets for our owners, arguably as intelligent as them, and weren’t nominated for this award.”
Snooki’s Alligator Pillow: “Let’s see who was, then.”
Nominees: Dr. Drew’s Omnipresent Stethoscope, the Mirror in the Challenge: Rivals House That Jasmine Assaulted, the Wall in Italy That the Situation Head-butted, and JWOWW’s chest.
And the GRTFLie Awardsie Goes to … : The Wall in Italy That the Situation Head-butted
Voice-Over During Walk to Stage: Unfortunately, the Wall in Italy That the Situation Head-butted is still a wall in Italy and could not join us this evening. Here to accept the award for Inanimate Object of the Year is a chunk of the Berlin Wall we bought on eBay for $50.00.
- “Many say that the crumbling of the Berlin Wall was the greatest moment in European history. I disagree. The fortitude, determination, and unflappability that the Wall in Italy That the Situation Head-butted displayed while it was besieged by a raging inslopsicated Situation was a symbol of Europe’s rejection of the influence of American low culture. On behalf of all of Europe, I thank you, the Wall in Italy That the Situation Head-butted. Also on behalf of all Europe, I would like to express our disappointment at the continuing injustice in our great world; like the Wall in Italy That the Situation Head-butted, we must stand up and fight back. We must fight against the crime lords of the Congo who rape and steal at will, the world banking system that hoards wealth in the name of a greedy minority, and the tyrannical rule of Sammi, who deprives us of Single Ronnie. For real, dude, drop that hussie and dance spastically as the free man we all know and love. Take it from me, a chunk of the Berlin Wall: Lose that negatron and fly like the promiscuous, steroid-enhanced bald eagle we all know you are on the inside.”
Rookie of the Year
Presenters: Deena from Jersey Shore and Puck from Real World
- Deena: “Puck, did you know that rookie rhymes with Snooki?”
Puck [slammered]: “Did you know that puck rhymes with … pluck?”
Deena: “Puck, that’s not what it says in the Teleprompter.”
Puck: “Did you know that Teleprompter rhymes with Schmeleprompter?” [pukes]
Deena: “Gross, I am getting out of here.”
Nominees: Michelle Money (The Bachelor), Frank (Real World), Bai Ling (Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew), Jackie Christie (Basketball Wives LA)
And the GRTFLie Awardsie Goes to … : Bai Ling of Celebrity Rehab
Voice-Over During Walk to Stage: Approaching the stage is Bai Ling, the woman who once said:
“My name is Bai Ling. That means white spirit, and I really feel like sometimes I’m not existing. Sometimes I feel like I’m air, wind, and fire. Those elements. I often feel like I have this spirit living inside of me, always dressing in short miniskirts. Through life, through work, and through interviews, I learn so much about me, because there are questions that I don’t know how to answer, but then I start to discover myself. So there are eight spirits, mischievous ones, sad ones, handsome ones, wise ones, and crazy ones.”
- Bai Ling (wearing a sexy nurse costume): “First off I would like to thank — Wait, what? What are you doing, Jackie Christie, stop trying to grab the — ”
[Jackie Christie viciously stomps out Bai Ling and leaves her bleeding on the ground]
Jackie Christie: “How they going to give this to that skinny little Chinese chick? What movies has this ‘actress’ been in, anyway? What did she do this year? Climb to the roof of the rehab facility in her PJs and crazy-talk to herself? That’s nothing, did you see me marry my husband for the 16th time? Did you see my dictatorship fall in a dramatic coup d’état? Did you hear me say ‘I am the First Lady of the bleeping league. Period. That’s it. I have been here, done that, 16 or 17 years. You little punks is new to this. I am true to this. You all want to be Jackie Christie but you can’t do what I do, you can’t walk in my shoes?'”
[Jackie Christie is killed by a single shot of sniper fire]
[In the balcony, Anna Benson rips off her ski mask, starts unscrewing the barrel of her high-powered rifle, and mutters, “Not even nominated? Please.”]
Airborne Cocktail of the Year Award
Presenters: President Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey
- Barack [whispering to Oprah]: “Hey, O, did they tell you this was the Berkshire Hathaway holiday party?”
Oprah [whispering back]: “Yep.”
Barack: “What should we do?”
Oprah: “We should just smile and slowly back offstage without saying a word and get the fuck out of Dodge.”
Barack: “Oh man, I was really looking forward to meeting Draya from Basketball Wives.”
Nominees: Royce’s glass toss at Evelyn (Basketball Wives), Jennifer Williams’ dousing of Eric Williams (Basketball Wives), Evelyn throwing at Royce (Basketball Wives), and Anna Benson throwing cocktails to be named later.
And the GRTFLie Awardsie Goes to … : Royce from Basketball Wives
Voice-Over During Walk to Stage: “This season of Basketball Wives, Royce provided our species with the next step in flying-cocktail evolution, the flying glass/cocktail combination.”
- “Oh my God, I want to thank Evelyn for being such a bitch I had to throw a cocktail at her, I want to thank my mom, I want to thank all my fans, I want to thank my booty, I want to thank the writers of poorly written prime-time dramas, without you I would never have known the power of the thrown cocktail, and oh my God oh my God oh my God, I am just so excited, I haven’t won anything this meaningful since the settlement against my baby daddy.”
Body Part of the Year
Presenters: Taylor from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Upper Lip and Kim Kardashian’s Left Butt Cheek
- Taylor From Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Upper Lip: “Hey, Kim Kardashian’s Left Butt Cheek, do you know what you and David Stern have in common?”
Kim Kardashian’s Left Butt Cheek: “What, Taylor from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Upper Lip?”
Taylor from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Upper Lip: “Once they make it to the NBA, every player gives you both a firm grab with their right hand.”
Kim Kardashian’s Left Butt Cheek: “Very funny, Taylor from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Upper Lip. Here are the nominees for Body Part of the Year.”
Nominees: Ben’s Erection (The Bachelor), Priscilla’s Implants (Real World), Steven Adler’s Jaw (Celebrity Rehab), Snooki’s Broken Heart (Jersey Shore)
And the GRTFLie Awardsie Goes to … : Snooki’s Broken Heart
Voice-Over During Walk to Stage: This season on Jersey Shore, America’s mascot, Snooki, had her heart broken when her boyfriend Jionni didn’t appreciate her full-on southern exposure while dancing at an Italian nightclub. Accepting on behalf of Snooki’s broken heart, who couldn’t be here tonight, is David Jacoby’s writeup on Snooki’s broken heart.
- Snooki’s preparation for the arrival of her boyfriend Jionni was one of the happiest things we’ve ever seen. A woman so excited to see her love that she could not control herself. Spray-tan was applied, hundreds of outfits were auditioned, and the smush room was Febrezed. Jionni rang the bell and immediately Snooki embraced him, nuzzled his familiar (allegedly) PED-enhanced chest, and wept tears of joy. It was pure beauty. One of those moments that makes you believe that the meaning of life can be explained in one word: love. They ran upstairs, he kissed the cheeks of the ladies, awkwardly bro-hugged the fellas, and the couple retired to the smush room. All was well.
When the two emerged, it was time to return to the environment in which they first met: one filled with Italians, thumping house music, and enough alcohol to rid the world of all bacteria. Snooki wore her finest attire, a hot-pink leopard-print number that looked like a bandanna being held together with jumper cables. Being a sexually conservative gent, Jionni remarked that he might prefer something a little more demure, but love was in the air and booze needed to be in the bellies, so they left for the club. All was well.
The presence of her lover transformed Snooki. She danced with a lust she had never felt before. She announced the she needed to dance where her soul was, above the crowd, onstage, to show the world her passion. Possessed by her love, she raised her dress and truly showed the world her passion. Jionni was not impressed. All was not well.
Ashamed, Jionni fled. Shocked, no longer possessed by desire, Snooki gave chase. Unable to find her Guido, she melted onto the streets of Florence in a weeping heap of rage and sorrow. Inconsolable, she retreated to her bed and continued to wail. Hours later, Jionni returned, announced that her behavior at the nightclub was unacceptable, grabbed his suitcase, and left. Under her hot-pink satin comforter, Snooki found no comfort. Hours earlier she held her true love, but now she held only her stuffed alligator. Reliving it makes me want to cry myself.
Lifetime Achievement Award
Presenter: Drunk Dr. Drew
- “Whoa. [hiccup] I totally shouldn’t have played beer pong with Johnny Bananas, Kim Richards, and Frank from the Real World before giving this speech. They don’t mess around. [aside to producer offstage] Which of those two Teleprompters am I supposed to read? What? There’s only one? Oh man. [surveys crowd, starts to speak into microphone] These people are crazypants maniacs. They can’t function without a camera, a cocktail, and a rage target in front of them. Which is why this is the perfect recipient for the first Lifetime Achievement Award at the GRTFLies Awardsies. Ladies and gentlemen, the man behind the curtain, the underlying motivation for every reality TV moment we have celebrated tonight, the reason we are all here, the one thing we all have in common … I present the winner of the GRTFLies Awardsies Lifetime Achievement.”
And the GRTFLie Awardsie Goes to … : Total Lack of Self-Awareness.
- (Long pause. Everyone looking around for someone to stand up. More silence. Then a murmur of whispers within the confused audience. Yahoo Serious then takes the stage … )
Yahoo Serious: “I have just received a text from Total Lack of Self-Awareness. It reads, “Sorry I can’t be onstage to inspire you. I am too busy inside you inspiring you all.” Until next year!
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