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‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Teaser: You Got Grit on My Pizza, Duder

Looks like Michael Bay thinks the heroes in a half shell are better off emulating Optimus Prime and ‘Batman Begins.’

If you want to drop a movie trailer into the middle of this crowded week, you’ve gotta be ready to tussle with nuclear fare like Hercules, Jupiter Ascending, and X-Men: Days of Future Past. Your source material is generally geared toward children, you say? Time to grow up — most, if not all, the way up — fast. And with Michael Bay’s dynamite wind at their backs, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles appear up to the task. No time for tubular adventures and ’za, brah. Skyscrapers are toppling and machine guns are strafing.

The teaser’s kind of a flop, the more I helplessly replay it. Whom is this for? Even the most forgiving adults — the ones who remain unreservedly excited after watching these 90 seconds — will groan a number of times. Megan Fox as April O’Neil? Times Square gets clobbered again? And how about the kids? Find me one who sees this thunderously intense teaser in a theater and is intrigued rather than hiding under the seat by the time we finally get a payoff vaguely resembling true TMNT levity.

These are talking, fighting turtles named after Renaissance artists and trained by a wizened rat. They’re not Transformers or a newly rebooted superhero team. Get this thing back on track before it’s too late, Will Arnett. Though I wouldn’t mind checking out William Fichtner as Shredder.