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Taylor Swift’s Date With Zac Efron … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Taylor Swift

US

Katy & Russell at the Golden Globes: Katy “really did want to go out, but she was worried about running into Russell.” He is working on a third book, which she fears will expose intimate details of their marriage. “Katy is insulted and feels betrayed that Russell has treated her so poorly by lying about how he wanted to handle the split and not giving her a warning that he was filing for divorce.” Sure. “She will never forgive him. Ever.” Brand spent this week hanging at Soho House and crashing a wedding at the Hotel Bel-Air. “He’s being so atrocious that she feels like she never really knew him.” A gentleman would go the hell back to England.

Taylor Swift and Zac Efron: They went on a date but “have been friends for a long time. It’s not romantic.” Could she go all “You Belong With Me” on him? She’s very good at that, you know (developing obsessive fantasy crushes on acquaintance objects). Nah. “They are on totally different wavelengths — no spark. He’s gorgeous, but that mutual attraction just isn’t there. She can’t force it.”

Showrunner Fight! Marc Cherry vs. Michael Patrick King: Desperate Housewives creator Cherry on the possibility of a film after the show’s finale: “I’m never sending these gals to Dubai. That’s all I’m saying.” OOH, CATTY CHERRY. MPK snipes back: “The reality is my second movie made almost half a billion dollars. People referencing it years later is a compliment.”

Mark Wahlberg on The Help: “I cried about six times!” Then he reels it in with, “It was the wife’s choice, but it was a great movie.” Mark, it’s OK to like chick flicks.

Diddy and Cameron Diaz: “They sleep together but it’s not serious.” At the CAA gala “she was straddling him.” Puff and Cam have supposedly been fuck buddies since ’08, but he’s still with Cassie, whom he took out for dinner in NYC just before.

Miscellaneous/Terrible: “I pimped it out with pink dice, blue underglow and Mardi Gras beads.” “These are laser-cut swans!” “Mila Kunis complains that she hasn’t eaten all day while asking a waiter for extra bread” “Helen Mirren commends a barefoot Octavia Spencer in the kitchen.” “Leonardo DiCaprio and Orlando Bloom bypass the Godiva chocolate bar to hit the men’s room together.” “It was gluten-free and organic, but it was the first cake he’d ever seen. He put his face in it!” “Romance had taken a hit when she discovered his gay-porn past” “I was 19 and kind of dumb and crazy” “bright silver, which can highlight body flaws.” “summerize pale stems”

Star

Jennifer Aniston: “… is finally adopting. No, not a baby — the actress is bringing home a furry friend!” But she’s also pregnant, apparently and “terrified she’ll end up alone again, after her boyfriend Justin Theroux stormed out on her during a holiday getaway gone wrong.” She’s freaking out because “her absolute worst fear was that Justin would ditch her and she’d wind up a single mom.” Full of pregnancy hormones, Jen is “hyper-emotional” and “feeling fat and bloated.” Justin “finally lost it and told her to stop complaining and that she was ruining his vacation.” Jen was “wounded” because she expected a proposal. “When no ring came, she was devastated.” She confronted Justin, who became “very defensive” and suggested that “having these types of arguments” only proves that “talking about marriage was extremely premature.” Jen “burst into tears and accused him of not really loving her.” He was “attracted to [her] strength, intelligence, and independent streak” but “isn’t ready to get more serious” after eight months together. After the fight, he bolted off on his motorcycle “to cool down.” She “impulsively called Brad’s cell,” not expecting him to pick up. Brad was “curt” and “busy” but then asked why she called, at which point “Jen started crying and pouring her heart out about her problems with Justin. She finally blurted out: ‘I miss you! I want you back!'” A sympathetic Brad listened and “tried to soothe Jen” and told her how he and Angelina fight a lot too, but Pitt “can be really stupid in not considering that these conversations leave her with the false hope that maybe they could have a future together.” His attempt to make her feel better now has her “thinking he’ll leave Angie for her.” As Jen and Justin’s relationship falls apart, “Jen feels like a fool. The last thing she wants” is to admit she’s both pregnant and single again.

Oh, and Brad and Angie …: “… are in totally different places, mentally.” In a fun gender/queer twist, the problem is that “free spirit Angelina yearns to continue exploring the world, while homebody Brad has expressed his desire to retire from the hustle and bustle of being a Hollywood leading man to focus on directing, producing, and being a more ‘hands-on’ parent.”

Sandra Bullock: “Can’t let go” of her dream of a life with Ryan Reynolds, despite his happy “fast-track” relationship with Blake Lively. “It’s kind of a helpless feeling when you’re in love with someone who’s so happy with another woman.” Especially when that woman is Serena van der Woodsen, the people’s princess! “Sandra’s still so hung up on Ryan, I think she’d drop everything at a moment’s notice to be his wife.” Bullock is carrying “one heck of a heavy torch” for Reynolds, longing to be the future Mrs. Van Wilder. She played third wheel to Ryan and Blake during his 35th birthday party, being “very flirty and attentive,” which was “a bit awkward for everyone around their table, Ryan and Blake included.” Their 11-year friendship has led Sandra to an unflagging belief that “Ryan is her ‘perfect man.'” He fills all the requirements on her checklist. “He’s a gentleman, he’s gorgeous, and Sandra believes he’d be a terrific father to Louis. The problem is, Ryan does love Sandra — but not in the same way she loves him.” DEPRESSING.

Miscellaneous/Terrible: “George Clooney gave a lucky few The Sexiest Handshake Alive.” “is that a blunt in her hand?” “Some stars rock in their frocks” “Barring the kooky hat” “suddenly the J stands for jammin’!” “He had a dream-board party!” “Her personality really stands out to me from the rest of the hot actresses.” “KAILYN DATES GIRLS!” “getting serious with hunky Providence, R.I., businessman” “I’m rootin’ for ya, girlfriend!” “We’re just settling into what married life is without the excitement of a wedding and a baby.” “retreated to her master bedroom with a glass of wine.” “After romancing decades-younger lovelies, Jeff Goldblum, 59, is stepping out with professional contortionist Emilie Livingston, 29” Oh goody, only three decades younger than him. “Battling cougars.” “Lindsay Lohan was desperate to be noticed by every celebrity in the room.” “Heidi Klum looked glum.” “He called her a ‘whore’ and a ‘slut.'” “Girls literally had their naked butts grinding on his lap.” All Katy Perry does is “cry, sleep, and talk on the phone.”

InTouch

Heather Locklear’s Downward Spiral: Locklear “is going through a midlife crisis as she struggles with aging, a sagging career, and the end of her engagement.” Ugh, this is just sad. “Heather went from playing the hot girl to the hot girl’s mom. She turned 50 in September, she’s fighting it.”

Did Lisa Vanderpump Get a Butt Implant? The Beverly Hills Real Housewife “may have, ahem, pumped up her posterior with the help of one of L.A.’s top plastic surgeons.” Sure looks like it. “Lisa had the work done just before this season started filming. She’s been wearing these formfitting dresses that show off her new curves ever since.” Fans of the show have been “buzzing about her new look ever since Lisa, 51, got her ample asset wedged on a hotel balcony in a recent episode.”

Cameron Diaz’s Midlife Crisis: Approaching “her 40th birthday” this year, “Cameron Diaz hit the bottle — of peroxide that is.” She is “crushed” that ex Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel, after spending years trying to lock him down for a ring and “bleached her hair in an effort to turn back time.” With her gal pals Kate Hudson and Drew Barrymore both engaged, she feels lonely and loserly. Defensively, “she likes to tell people she doesn’t want to marry, but that’s not true.” She “can’t believe she’s facing 40 without a husband or even a serious boyfriend.” Aw, Cam. Maybe cool it on the athletes? “She’s going through an emotional phase, trying to dress and look younger.”

JFK Jr. Tell-All: Former assistant RoseMarie Terenzio spills: “He’d put gum in my hair and think it was funny.” She supervised fights between John and his “stylish-yet-icy wife” Carolyn Bessette. As John’s assistant, Terenzio “was awkwardly tasked with asking his reported fling, Madonna, if she wanted to be on the cover of George [magazine] dressed as John’s mother, Jackie Onassis.” Terenzio reports that “Carolyn was often angry at John for making everything a priority … except her.” Despite John Jr.’s possibly well-deserved rep as “a bit of a lothario” he really “was a romantic” (as if those things are mutually exclusive). Christina Haag, his ex-girlfriend from his college years at Brown, wrote a book documenting their “’80s era romance. Highlights include John’s interest in tantric sex, his insistence that she learn to ski to bring them closer, and one particularly harrowing kayak ride.” Like an ’80s Ralph Lauren ad, that. “Physical activity calmed him.”

Miscellaneous/Terrible: “Are his Moneyballs getting a nice breeze?” “you lost us at diaphragm-shaped headwear” “Not big enough, honey!” “Don’t choke me all the way!” “I pray to have that booty!” “I wore clown pants” “Feeling like a princess!” “Leonardo DiCaprio and Bradley Cooper bro’d out after vacationing together with their girlfriends” “won’t stop her insane partying” “Madonna literally walked all over Jessica Biel” “the ugliest breast in the world” “a cotton candy bubble cape” “She was kinky” “She didn’t care what it cost as long as she looked good!” “She was so flirty, you could see that he was uncomfortable.” “Rihanna’s turning into Whitney Houston?”

OK!

Baby no. 7 for Brad and Angelina: Angelina is “almost three months along” but “it’s not something she wants to officially announce.” She is “savoring every moment” and “embracing the whole process.” According to OK! “famously edgy Angie is acting uncharacteristically warm and fuzzy,” decorating her room with “aromatherapy candles” and listening to “relaxing music.” The baby making was hot. “Thus liberated, Brangelina bonded big-time with some good old purpose-driven sex.” Good old purpose-driven. “Angie and Brad have always had an incredible physical connection, but when they have the mission of making a baby, things between them really spark up. They were trying for several months with no luck, but Angie told friends she enjoyed every moment. It really seemed to take their sex life over the top.”

Halle Berry Getting Married Again/Foils Fig: “The actress has muscled her way through two failed marriages.” She also “foiled a killer fig” during Die Another Day when “a fig went down the wrong pipe. Pierce [Brosnan] saved the day, helping to dislodge the sugary would-be assassin.”

The Truth About Beyonce’s Baby: Beyonce’s “cousin” Angie Beyince told Hip Hop Weekly, “What pregnant woman wears heels 6 inches tall? That’s not good for the baby!”

Miscellaneous/Terrible: “Shows off her dancer’s physique” “the screen vampire’s buzz cut” “Lindsay Lohan was a picture of classic elegance in her little black dress.” “tooling around the island in a four-wheeler” “channeling Khloe and Kim Kardashian in an attempt to find herself a nice basketball player” “a leonine-maned Rihanna bared every inch of her legs” “SMOKIN’ FOR BONGO” “It was almost like a party!” “taking on the ‘innocent’ role” “You too can look like me, and here’s how!” “She is a beautiful women.” “pooch Peaches” “(sporting ladybug boots)” “They have desires and testosterone” “Britney Spears lost her virginity at age 14 to an 18-year-old football player” “I was always just a cat girl” “we both enjoy velvet and peanut butter” “I’m tired of people seeing smokers as easy piñatas” “the real enemy here is not IMDB.com but the directors and casting agents who have a bias against older women.” “How difficult was it for you to get in the mind-set of hitting a woman?”