Tell Flex to drop a bomb on it, indeed. One-hundred-and-four times in eight minutes and 18 seconds.
Last night, on New York’s Hot 97, DJ Funkmaster Flex spent a portion of his show getting some things off his chest. Things about the Internet. And technology. And respect.
The target of his outrage: the website Life + Times. And the man behind that website, Jay Z. But, as you learned from listening to Season 1 of Serial, things aren’t always what they seem. And out of nowhere, new characters and scenes enter the equation, changing your perspective on who really was the killer.
The first season was great, but it truly has nothing on Season 2, narrated by Funkmaster Flex, starring Funkmaster Flex, with such costars as Jay Z, various members of Dipset, random security guards, digital innovation, and mobile apps.
It’s equal parts the greatest story ever told, that “unforgivable” guy, a Chappelle sketch, and Cassidy ending Freeway’s career. And that’s only amplified by Flex using his signature flex bomb as an exclamation point, and then as a comma, and then as the space key.
Episode 1
OK New York.
FLEX BOMB
What’s going on New York City?
FLEX BOMB
I got an email today.
FLEX BOMB
Which triggered this conversation.
FLEX BOMB
So we’re not just gonna keep it 100, we’re going to keep it 1,000 today.
FLEX BOMB
I want to go through the steps properly.
FLEX BOMB
As I lead up to what I’m saying.
FLEX BOMB
Episode 2
Couple years ago.
FLEX BOMB
I dropped that DJ Funk Flex app.
FLEX BOMB
I get an email from a writer.
FLEX BOMB
At Life + Times. The website.
FLEX BOMB
They want to talk to me about my digital involvement and write a story.
FLEX BOMB
First of all, I salute the young man who wrote the story.
FLEX BOMB
I appreciate the love.
FLEX BOMB
But brah I’ma tell you something.
FLEX BOMB
I peeped back then.
FLEX BOMB
When they was using a writer outside that did not work for the magazine.
FLEX BOMB
Excuse me. The website.
FLEX BOMB
And that website is trash, by the way.
FLEX BOMB
And I figured I’d say that trash so you take me serious on where I’m going.
FLEX BOMB
Episode 3
They do this interview. After I drop my app.
FLEX BOMB
Asking me a lot of key questions about apps.
FLEX BOMB
Building apps.
FLEX BOMB
How? Why?
FLEX BOMB
How’d you launch it?
FLEX BOMB
But all of that didn’t get put in the story, though.
FLEX BOMB
But a lot of that information got put into that new Jay Z app.
FLEXXXXXXX BOMBBBBBBBBB
Episode 4
But I was good with that. I ate that.
FLEX BOMB
I understood it.
FLEX BOMB
Everybody’s out here hustling.
FLEX BOMB
Right, that’s what we doing.
FLEX BOMB
We fast-forward to today.
FLEX BOMB
Because I need to tell that part of the story so you understand where I’m going.
FLEX BOMB
You can go to my Instagram right now ’cause you can see the email that I got.
FLEX BOMB
I get an email today from Life + Times website.
FLEX BOMB
Your website is trash, by the way.
FLEX BOMB
Doing no numbers. Zero.
FLEX BOMB
And maybe if y’all copied everything from me that y’all needed from that app, that app would still exist today but it don’t.
FLEX BOMB
That Funk Flex app, though. You can go onto that iTunes that Google Play, it’s still rockin’.
FLEX BOMB
Difference between me and you.
FLEX BOMB
Episode 5
We fast-forward to today.
FLEX BOMB
My assistant gets an email.
FLEX BOMB
We would like to do a story about your involvement in the Dipset reunion from Life + Times Maga— what is it, a site?
FLEX BOMB
Site’s trash.
FLEX BOMB
A bunch of dumb big pictures.
FLEX BOMB
And no numbers.
FLEX BOMB
Ya’ll can’t move with me in this digital space.
FLEX BOMB
Episode 6
As I continue.
FLEX BOMB
Bruh.
FLEX BOMB
Episode 7
I get this about the Dipset reunion, what’s my involvement.
FLEX BOMB
YOU KNOW MY INVOLVEMENT.
FLEX BOMB
Now New York City, all I did was New Year’s Eve.
FLEX BOMB
I drove out to a club.
FLEX BOMB
I was in a good space.
FLEX BOMB
I wanted to call Jim Jones.
FLEX BOMB
I forgot Jim texted me.
FLEX BOMB
We went down the line, give me Jim’s number, give me Cam’s number, give me Juelz give me Freekey Zekey.
FLEX BOMB
And we just put something together that we loved.
FLEX BOMB
At least I did, man.
FLEX BOMB
I’ve always been super neutral in this situation, super.
FLEX BOMB
But I don’t understand how somebody can ask me from that site of my involvement in the Dipset reunion, but when I used to go out to the 40/40 I was told not to play any Dipset records
FLEX BOMB
I’m so confused.
FLEX BOMB
Episode 8
And I’ma tell you something about that 40/40 in Atlantic City. There was a security guard that came up to me and told me to change that record. And because of Desiree and my respect I changed it, WE WAS GONNA WEAR YOU1 OUT IN THAT CLUB THAT NIGHT.
FLEX BOMB
YOUR2 WHOLE SECURITY’S MY TUNNEL SECURITY.
FLEX BOMB
I MADE THEM DUDES RICH.
FLEX BOMB
WE WAS GONNA PRESS YOU3 THAT NIGHT.
FLEX BOMB
1.
Probably Jay Z.
2.
Probably Jay Z.
3.
Probably Jay Z.
Episode 9
And just in case you’re feeling lucky, I’m back in Atlantic City this Sunday.
FLEX BOMB
And you know who I’m talking to, you4 funny looking. And you5 a clown.
FLEX BOMB
And we was gonna take you6 down that night.
FLEX BOMB
And you7 knew it, that why you8 was crying.
FLEX BOMB
So, when I go in the 40/40 I’m told not to play any Dipset records when I’m playing.
FLEX BOMB
But Life + Times Magaz— what is it, your9 site is trash
FLEX BOMB
Hit me up and you want to know my involvement in the Dipset. No you don’t.
FLEX BOMB
That’s not what you want to know.
FLEX BOMB
You want to know how we moving and what’s the next move.
FLEX BOMB
I know it, I’m not stupid.
FLEX BOMB
Y’all played me with the app already and I figured that out.
FLEX BOMB
But I let y’all slide so you took what I said for “I’m soft.”
FLEX BOMB
That’s why I’m dealing with you10 today.
FLEX BOMB
4.
Probably Jay Z.
5.
Probably Jay Z.
6.
Probably Jay Z.
7.
Probably Jay Z.
8.
Probably Jay Z.
9.
Probably Jay Z.
10.
Probably Jay Z.
Episode 10
But I get it, though.
FLEX BOMB
But let me be so clear.
FLEX BOMB
’Cause I read through everything in that email that was sent to me.
FLEX BOMB
I don’t care about your website. Your website is trash, y’all can’t move with me in this digital space.
FLEX BOMB
Maybe if y’all copied everything I was doing with the app that app woulda did better and it would’na crashed the day your11 album dropped.
FLEX BOMB
I can talk like this ’cause I don’t need nobody to do nothing and I peeped that whole movement this week.
FLEX BOMB
I peeped the whole movement this week, it wasn’t even on my radar.
FLEX BOMB
11.
OK, definitely Jay Z.
Episode 11
Don’t play with me man. Don’t HEH HEH HEH. Don’t play with me man. Don’t play with me man. Don’t play with me.
FLEX BOMB
I’m a different animal. I show respect, I give respect. I’m neutral.
FLEX BOMB
I didn’t take no sides in that situation.
FLEX BOMB
Play me like I’m stupid?
FLEX BOMB
You gonna see a different dude firing off on you.
FLEX BOMB
On you.
FLEX BOMB
I let you live in this town.12
FLEX BOMB
Don’t think I can’t ruin you.13
FLEX BOMB
Because that’s a nice feather in my cap if I ruin you.14
FLEX BOMB
Today we bumping heads.
FLEX BOMB
Your site’s trash.
FLEX BOMB
Don’t email me from that site, anybody over there, any again asking me about my involvement in the Dipset reunion.
FLEX BOMB
Don’t ask me.
FLEX BOMB
Because when I played at 40/40 I’m told not to play Dipset records.
FLEX BOMB
I’m not confused.
FLEX BOMB
Y’all all move together, I’m not confused.
FLEX BOMB
And I don’t need y’all for nothing.
FLEX BOMB
I’m not one of these people scared, scared to move.
FLEX BOMB
I’m just telling you15 what it is.
12.
Funk Flex let Jay Z live in New York City.
13.
Funk Flex can ruin Jay Z.
14.
Again, Funk Flex will ruin Jay Z if he feels like it, and then put a feather in his hat.
15.
Shawn “Jay Z” Carter.
EPISODE 12
I’M TELLING YOU WHAT IT IS. DON’T ADDRESS ME, DON’T TALK TO ME. I PEEPED THAT WHOLE MOVEMENT TODAY. WOKE ME UP. WOKE ME UP. I LET THAT APP THING SLIDE. I LET IT SLIDE. THAT EMAIL I GOT TODAY MEANS YOU’RE TRYING TO PLAY ME. YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH A DUDE WHO’S GETTING PLAYED LIKE ME. YOU DON’T LIKE THAT. YOU WON’T LIKE IT. I’LL STAND ON YOUR BACK. YOU AND YOUR TEAM.