“My breasts are popping out everywhere and I am loving every second of it.” — Priscilla, Real World: San Diego
Priscilla and the rest of the Real World cast spent this week’s entire episode nude, the Survivor cast cried the whole time, and the Baseball Wives lost battle after battle to the only enemy they can’t throw a cocktail at, Father Time. These lowbrow high jinks added up to 445 total GRTFL points and a huge 95-point week for Priscilla. Seriously, Priscilla, put some clothes on.
Priscilla (Real World, Simmons): 95 points. German surrealist Max Ernst had this to say of the naked female form: “Woman’s nudity is wiser than the philosopher’s teachings.”
He would have really enjoyed Priscilla’s performance on this episode of Real World. According to Ernst, those of us who watched Priscilla’s repeated drunken disrobing (60 total nudity points) are wiser than those that spent their Wednesday night reading volumes of Thomas Hobbes, and who am I to argue? If you are one of those unfortunate souls that didn’t soak in the wisdom that Priscilla was so eager to give via her naked form, allow me to be the Virgil to your Dante and escort you through the nine circles of Priscilla’s areola.
Priscilla is 19 years old and under the legal age limit to drink alcohol, a fact that has relegated her to the role of designated driver in the Real World house and, so far, made her a total snooze of a cast member. When the cast learns that they are headed to Cabo for a vacation, it is not lost on Priscilla that, south of the border, she will finally be allowed to enjoy alcohol: “I am not saying no to a single thing this entire vacation,” she told us. In Cabo, she declined to say no to the dozens of drinks she was offered (10 intoxication points) and to making out with her female roommate, Sam (10 points). Off-camera, someone must have said, “Priscilla, while you are dancing, would you please expose your nether regions to this entire nightclub full of people?” Because she did not say no to that, either.
It is easy to forget just how drunk you got when you were 19, and Priscilla’s Mexican vacation was a good reminder. After a few cocktails, the former good girl turned into Courtney Love on a raging bender. But after a few days of Bukowski-ing around, Priscilla learned the consequences of extreme intoxication — she got a hangover. In the morning, fully clothed, she was deep in the waters of shame and pain to which only binge drinking can submarine you. She vomited (10 points), cried (10 points), and made the same claim we have all made on hazy mornings following long nights: “I am never drinking again.” I am betting big on the over.
Zach (Real World, House): 40 points. Ernst never said anything about how wise male nudity makes you, but there was plenty of it from Zach this episode as well (40 total nudity points). Zach was also involved in a verbal spat with Frank (5 points) that I am positive did not make anyone wiser:
- Zach: Shut up. Shut up.
Frank: Do not tell me to shut up.
Zach: Shut up.
Frank: Do not tell me to shut up.
Zach: Don’t point your finger at me.
Frank: Don’t tell me to shut up. Don’t tell me to shut up, man!
Zach: Shut up!
It seems like all arguments on TV devolve into two people yelling at each other about being quiet. I really hope this is how our upcoming presidential debates play out.
Sophie, Brandon, Albert, and Rick (Survivor, various teams): 40 points men; 10 points Sophie. This crew cried when they found out their family members had come for a visit, then cried again when they gave them a hug. The “loved ones” episode on Survivor is a drag because it takes precious time out of a show that could better be spent showing them sitting around a fire staring into space. Below is a list of the cast members and how seeing their loved one changed my perception of them.
Loved one: Father
Insight into Brandon’s character: Brandon’s father tweezes his eyebrows. Not only do I not trust men with tweezed eyebrows, I don’t trust their offspring, either.
Loved one: Father
Insight into Sophie’s character: Sophie’s father was dressed like a captain of an America’s Cup yacht. He looked like the type of fella that reads the Financial Times while drinking tea brewed from leaves harvested on his plantation in Tanzania. He looks like the type of guy that will be first in line for commercial space travel. I do not think that Sophie needs that million dollars as much as some of the other cast members. She’s probably just on the show because she knows her father doesn’t approve.
Loved one: Mother
Insight into Albert’s character: Albert’s mother looks like she is Albert’s age. Honestly, this fact doesn’t affect the way I look at Albert whatsoever. You know what does, though? This video. Click on it. He is such a dork that it will make you feel as cool as Steve McQueen for three minutes.
Loved one: Wife
Insight into Rick’s character: When Rick hugged his wife he grabbed her ass. I loved it. Rick’s handsy hug displayed a little humanity and made me enjoy him more as a cast member. Now, all of a sudden, I am pulling for him. I haven’t rooted this hard for an ass-grabber since Brett Favre.
Frank (Real World, Connor): 35 points. Frank is losing a war. A war to make Zach and Ashley his friends. He spent his entire therapy session complaining that Zach and Ashley aren’t opening up to him and revealing their true selves to their roommates. I have never been in therapy (yet), but I wouldn’t want my therapist to sit there, listen to me complain about people not opening up to me, and respond with some BS like, “Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.” I would much rather have a therapist tell me, “Dude, do you know how much this is costing you an hour? You just spent 250 bucks bitching about your roommates. How about we talk about your real issues, like the fact that you watch 10 hours of reality television every week?”
Oh yeah, Frank also got naked a couple times (25 points), but still kept his headband on. If I were Frank’s therapist, I would look him right in the eye and say, “You know why no one wants to open up to you? Because you are wearing that stupid headband. Who wants to hang out with a 23-year-old dude who dresses like a combination of Tommy Chong, Cher, and Willie Nelson?”
Nate (Real World, Kang): 35 points. Nate on his goal for the rest of this season: “Welcome to two weeks left. I am going to puke every night!” Nate got drunk (10 points), got naked (20 points), got in an argument (5 points), blah blah fucking blah. Right now the most exciting thing about this season of Real World is that it is ending soon. I was looking at my notes to see what hacky jokes I had for Nate, and I came across one that is representative of my feelings about this season of Real World: “Why do cars’ tires always look like they’re spinning backwards on TV?” And the next note was, “That is the most interesting thought I have had watching this season of Real World.”
Sam (Real World, Lane): 30 points. Sam joined everyone else in getting naked (20 points) and being attacked by the Courtney Love sex monster that was an inslopsicated Priscilla (10 points). She also performed as a drag king. Her performance wasn’t particularly interesting or notable, but her preparation was. She approaches her performances with the intensity, focus, and aggression that Ray Lewis brings to a playoff game. The only difference being that, as he’s gearing up for the big game, nobody asks Ray Lewis if he needs help Saran Wrapping his boobs down. Actually, I have no proof that no one’s ever asked Ray Lewis if he needed help Saran Wrapping his boobs. If someone has, I bet it was Joe Flacco.
Chantel (Baseball Wives, Lane): 30 points. Chantel had her breast implants checked out (15 points), which led to the following exchange between her and her “doctor”:
- “Doctor”: What would you like to change about your breasts?”
Chantel: “Well, I’m five-foot-nine and a half, so a lot of people say I have the space to go bigger. But there is also like not a lot of skin. Ya know?”
“Doctor”: “I am a big fan of the natural look.”
Chantel: “I don’t like that big-jugs look. It’s just not me.”
What? Not you? That’s like Dikembe Mutombo saying, “I am not a fan of the tall look. It’s just not me.” Chantel also arranged for her “doctor” to inject her and her friends with Botox (15 points). Her “doctor” is interested in a romantic relationship with Chantel, a notion that Chantel addressed in an interview: “I may not want to screw him, but I will use him for his needle.” Whoa, Chantel. I will be making the puns in this column, okay? Stay off my corner.
Anna (Baseball Wives, Simmons): 20 points. Anna Benson makes mocking her too easy. Not only did she deliver the following “monologue” while learning how to be a news anchor …
- “Every man in here is in heaven. Two hot Baseballs Wives with no panties on. Well, sorry fellas, but I am already married to a baseball player. Here is the ring. Eight carats and it was expensive. In fact, I am still paying for it, it was not free. Eight carats equals taking it up the [bleep]. [Bleep], I don’t care, lots of girls do it for free. Poor things. I get eight carats for it. I also have four kids. No, seriously, does anyone want the name of my surgeon? Yeah, so I have fake funbags, but after four kids I deserve them. Fake or no, I will look good. Let’s talk about the unwritten rules of baseball. The rules don’t apply to me. Why? Because if you ain’t my daddy or I’m not [bleeping] you, then you can’t tell me what to do.”
She also gave me a no-brainer Top Five list. This week’s GRTFL Top Five list is the Top Five things Anna Benson said this week, listed in ascending order from “This woman has an interesting worldview” to “Jacoby, you must have misheard that, no human would ever say that”:
- 5. “You know what you need? You need a Xanax.” (5 points verbal fighting)
4. “I want to do my own show. A mixture of, like, Chelsea Handler, David Letterman, and Bill O’Reilly.”
3. “I will just wait until the teleprompter comes up and it’s my turn to read, and I will just go, ‘Blow job blow job blow job.’”
2. “It was great to have a gun in my hand and everything, but I prefer my husband.”
1. “Erika and Tanya didn’t come to the Botox party. They are the ones that have to look at themselves in the mirror and they are just going to keep, ya know, being wrinkly.” (15 points for getting Botoxed)
What was that? Not crazy enough? Fine, just because I love you, here is a bonus Benson quote: “I have a really important question about Botox. Do you guys do Botox in the vagina? This friend of mine, her name is Erika. She has a really wrinkly vagina and I was wondering if Botox would help her.”
Anna Benson is going to get me fired and it is going to be really hard to explain what happened in my next job interview. “Why did I leave ESPN? Well, I was writing this column about reality TV. What? Yeah, reality TV. Anyway, there was this woman named Anna Benson who kept talking about blow jobs, sex, vaginas, Botox, fur, guns, God, all kinds of stuff. One day the boss read it and decided not only to fire me but also to hire a hit man to assassinate me. That’s why I was fired from ESPN and also why I grew a faux-hawk, adopted a Southern accent, and changed my name to Mackenzie Kardashian.”
Cochran (Survivor, Kang): 20 points. Huge nerd and Survivor super-fan Cochran was kicked off the show this week. He cried (20 points) and said his Survivor experience was “by far the most incredible moment in my life.” If one of Cochran’s Harvard Law School buddies is reading this, can you please do that thing that only happens in movies and hire a prostitute to bump into him on an elevator, feign interest, and take his virginity? Please? I feel terrible for the poor kid. The best part of his time on Earth involved not eating, showering, or sleeping for 31 days in a jungle while being mocked and yelled at. I have $200 on it.
Brooke and Jordana (Baseball Wives, Jacoby and House): 15 points. Brooke and Jordana got injected at the Botox “party” (15 points). These girls really stretched the definition of “party.” They sat around a living room and were injected with goop that would take all the humanity out of their faces. Not exactly a five-day ecstasy bender in Ibiza.
Edna (Survivor, Simmons): 15 points. Edna was crying all over the place this episode (15 points) because she is clearly the next one to be voted off. She even went so far as to say, “I cent believe I have come out here to be deceived by everybody.” That is like going to the barbershop and saying, “I can’t believe I have come in here to have my hair cut.”
Erika (Baseball Wives, Kang): 5 points. Erika cried (5 points) and while I was trying to find something remotely interesting about her on the Interwebs I fell down a rabbit hole and came across this story about the ratings for Baseball Wives‘ premiere, from which there were two big takeaways: 1. No one is watching Baseball Wives. 2. THERE IS A SHOW CALLED LADY HOGGERS! LADY HOGGERS! Of course, it’s super rad. This is now my second-favorite show on TV, right behind Puppies vs. Babies.
Previously: Reality Scorecard: Here Come the Baseball Wives
Reality Scorecard: Why Won’t Zach and Ashley Score Coitus Points?
Reality Scorecard: Worst Real World Cast Ever?
Reality Scorecard: Not With a Bang But With a Smush
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