Late August is always bittersweet. When we were kids, it brought both the gloom that was the end of summer and the excitement of the new school year. As adults it brings the heartbreak that is saying goodbye to your reality TV fantasy roster and the anticipation of drafting from the intellectual dregs of the fall’s offerings.
It is hard to imagine that in just a week we’ll have to say goodbye to the drunken maniacs of The Challenge and the sober ones of Celebrity Rehab. But it’s not all bad — we no longer have to be subjected to the disaster that was Love In The Wild. Also, we have Jersey Shore, and the women of the Bachelor Pad are to irrational desperation what the Phillies’ starting rotation is to dominant pitching.
As we move forward, we need your help. Seriously. If you have a fall show that you would like see added to the GRTFL, write us at ShowsIWouldLikeToSeeInTheGRTFL@gmail.com. If you have opinions you would like to share, send them to SinceConnorDoesntCare@gmail.com, because we are sick of Connor mailing in his message board post every week and we think complete strangers would be better. Matter of fact, “Since Connor Doesn’t Care” was a reader’s idea. Thanks, Max in Seattle. You’re right — Connor is dead space and something needs to be done.
Samantha and Mike (Love in the Wild, Simmons): 75 and 65 points. Why are some happy couples encouraging and adorable and others annoying and repulsive? Mike and Samantha are very much the latter. They are so affectionate, so happy, and so perfect for each other that I would rather have my toenails removed with pliers than watch them interact for one more second. Why is other people’s happiness so disgusting? Centuries ago, a German couple much like Mike and Samantha was making out when they were attacked and eaten by a pack of wild boars. That moment, a bystander coined the word Schadenfreude. True story. Anyway, they both did some crying (10 and 20 points), had a spat (5 points), and won the whole show (50 points), racking up a ton of points for Simmons, who, after the draft, openly admitted he Googled for spoilers. Dick.
Melissa (Bachelor Pad, Lane): 40 points. Melissa was an absolute crazypants when she appeared on The Bachelor last season and came to Bachelor Pad “to prove that I am a fun, nice person and I am, like, awesome.” Melissa, you are not, like, awesome. You are, like, a possessive ball of low self-esteem, desperation and overtweezed eyebrows. A man should react to a woman with overtweezed eyebrows the same way a miner reacts to a dead canary. This week, when Melissa won a challenge (10 points), she and Blake had a quick kiss on the reward date (10 points). In the warped mind that lies behind the huge gap in her eyebrows, this kiss meant they were now bonded in a lifetime monogamous relationship. When she found out that wasn’t the case, she cried (5 points), threatened to leave the show (15 points), and immediately retreated to the bathroom to tweeze the pain away.
The Situation (Jersey Shore, Jay): 35 points. Unpopular opinion alert: Having a threesome with identical twin sisters would be terrible. How could you participate in such a thing without constantly analyzing the incest dynamic and wondering what kind of person wants be intimate with their mirror-image sister? More importantly, if the sisters are into identical-sibling coitus, that’s probably just the tip of the insanity iceberg, and they’re probably also into things like stabbing you to death with deer antlers. The Situation spent a good portion of last night’s episode trying to talk himself into a ménage à twin, but was only 50 percent successful (25 points). He also spent the rest of his time peering over the top of his sunglasses while out at the club (2 x 2.5 points) and fighting with Snooki (5 points). Now when you see the TMZ headline that says “Jersey Shore‘s Mike Sorrentino Found Stabbed to Death By Deer Antlers,” you won’t even have to click on it. You’re welcome.
Gia (Bachelor Pad, Simmons): 35 points. Gia cried (5 points) and left the show (30 points) this week because “Everyone is so sneaky and so fake, I have never met such devious people in my whole life. I am not going to plot and scheme, that’s not who I am.” Actually Gia, that is exactly who you are. You plotted, schemed, got caught, played the victim card, and then left because you are so honorable.
Deena (Jersey Shore, Jacoby): 30 points. I figured it out. Deena has an extremely rare medical condition that requires her immune system to fight off viruses to keep it from turning on her. This is the only possible explanation for her make-out promiscuity. This episode she keeps her immune system at bay by collecting germs from a random waiter twice (10 points) and thrice getting them from one of the twins that were plotting to kill the Situation with taxidermy (15 points). She also got into a verbal fight, loudly explaining to Vinny that she wasn’t “doing sex” with the waiter (5 points). I hope she gets the medical attention she needs before someone walks in on her and she has to explain why she was licking the headboard in the smush room.
Snooki (Jersey Shore, Lane): 30 points. Snooki is smarter than you think. When the entire house found out that she had allegedly cheated on her boyfriend with the Situation, she did some crafty damage control. Like a good defense lawyer, instead of outright denying it, she attacked the witness’ credibility (5 verbal-fighting points). Insisting she “did not hook up with him two months ago” was a genius play. She never said she didn’t hook up with him two months and three days ago. She never said she didn’t hook up with him last week. She said she did not hook up with him two months ago. With this strategy she ruins the credibility of the witness and gives the impression that she never did it, all without committing perjury. She is our greatest legal mind since Judge Stone from Night Court. However, she eventually was forced to go into full coitus-denial mode (20 points) and ended up in tears (5 points). Don’t worry, Snooki. When all this is over, I will totally hire you to prosecute C.T. after he reads the stuff I write about him and eats my arm off.
Michael (Bachelor Pad, House): 30 points. Appearing as a suitor on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette becomes a lifelong identity. These people are like furries: They obsess over each other, attend reunions, and even go on Bachelor-themed cruises. It’s creepy. At one of the gatherings of this bizarre sect, Michael and Holly met, fell in love, and were later engaged — an engagement Holly called off months before arriving at Bachelor Pad. So when Michael won the challenge (10 points), he decided to invite Holly on a date that led to the following teary exchange (20 points):
- Michael: “I love the [bleep] out of you. And I miss you. I miss the [bleep] out of you.”
Holly: “Don’t you feel like we have always just been best friends?”
The only way it could have gone worse for Michael was if she added, “Oh yeah. Also, you smell bad, I never loved you, and I cheated on you because you have a small penis.”
Ames (Bachelor Pad, Kang): 30 points. Ames did something pretty damn adorable and heartwarming this week. So adorable and heartwarming that I’ll describe it without mentioning his helipad-size forehead. When Jackie, the woman that Ames “found love with,” was voted off the show, he walked her to her limo and kissed her goodbye. As the limo pulled away, he chased after it and climbed in, deciding that his shot at Jackie was more important than his shot at the $250,000 prize. When this happened, that faint sound you heard out your window was the collective sigh of every woman watching Bachelor Pad realizing that only dudes as dorky as Ames are capable of moves this romantic.
Blake (Bachelor Pad, Simmons): 25 points. Blake on kissing Melissa (10 points): “When Melissa leans in to kiss me it was pretty easy to kiss her back because I had had a few drinks.” She then chased him all over the house, talking about how “serendipitous” their relationship was, and threatened to leave when she realized he had no interest in her (15 points for making someone threaten to leave the house). I’m telling you, if there’s more than two inches between a woman’s eyebrows, run and never look back.
Michael Lohan (Celebrity Rehab, Connor): 20 points. Michael Lohan tearfully (20 points) explains that his problem is that he cares about others more than himself:
- “If I didn’t care about what other people did to themselves, this wouldn’t happen. I get attached to it, and I can’t let go of it. I want to fix them. How about me? [sobs] Why can’t I fix meeeeeeeee?”
Hey Michael, let’s be honest for a second: You haven’t exactly done a great job fixing your daughter Lindsay. Or your ex-wife, Dina. Or your ex-fiancé, Kate Major, who last week made a drunk cameo on Celebrity Rehab in which she said you beat her 17 times. Maybe you aren’t good at fixing people — maybe that’s why you can’t fix youuuuuuuuu.
Steven Adler (Celebrity Rehab, Simmons): 20 points. Steven Adler cried (20 points) upon hearing that Celebrity Rehab alum Mike Starr had died of a drug overdose. When breaking the news, for a brief moment, Dr. Drew made a face that said, “Screw this, I’m gonna open a crepe shack in San Diego.”
Ronnie (Jersey Shore, House): 15 points. Ronnie scored for setting up a prank that wasn’t a prank (10 points) and spreading sexual gossip about Snooki (5 points). But none of that matters. What matters is that he and Sammi rekindled the relationship that will be the death of this franchise. Here is a list of the top five things that were said during their reconciliation, ranked in order of unbelievability from “unlikely” to “JWOWW has natural breasts”:
- 5. Sammi: “I just think we should start over.”
4. Ronnie: “No more bull[bleep], no more like [bleep]ing nonsense.”
3. Sammi: “I don’t want you to worry, because I am not ever going to hurt you.”
2. Ronnie: “With Sam I feel like this time is going to be different. I definitely feel like we can move forward from the past.”
1. Ronnie: “Were back together. No fighting this time.”
RIP Single Ronnie.
Kasey (Bachelor Pad, Connor): 15 points. Kasey threatened to leave because his girlfriend/dictator Vienna did, as well (15 points). He’s also constantly talking about how he is “mentally” punching Jake in the face. He “mentally” punches the way ’90s rappers “lyrically” shoot people. That and a love of skull caps are the only things that Kasey from Bachelor Pad has in common with Jeru the Damaja.
Pauly and Vinny (Jersey Shore, Jacoby and Simmons): 10 points each. Pauly and Vinny are to Jersey Shore what Statler and Waldorf are to the Muppets. They keep their distance, observe, and critically commentate. Last night this led to Vinny getting into a verbal fight with Deena (5 points) and Pauly creating the catchphrase “twinning” (10 points) and making an observation that was so astute that, for five seconds, I forgot he was an idiot: “He has the black V-neck on tonight. Means he is Conservative Ronnie and he’s back with Sam.” Vinnie tallied another 5 points for making out with the twin immediately after Deena kicked her out of her bed. Which is kind of a drag because I can’t work that into the whole Statler and Waldorf thing I had going.
Sugar (Celebrity Rehab, Connor): 10 points. Sugar wants to smoke some weed. I mean really wants to smoke some weed. She cries a couple of times this episode (10 points), coming to grips with the fact that immediately after she is released she will return to her old habits of drinking, smoking weed, and not being on reality TV. One thing I’ve wondered this whole season is whether Sugar had her clothing designed specifically for rehab. In every scene, she’s wearing what can only be described as onesie pajamas for adults, a sweatshirt-like cocoon perfectly suited for rehab. They are comfortable-looking, adjustable, and washable. If carpenters have special jeans, it’s only fair that recovering addicts should have their own special apparel, too.
Johnny and Tyler, (The Challenge, Lane and Connor): 10 points each. Jonny and Tyler eliminated C.T. and Adam from The Challenge this week in a competition that was perfectly tailored for Adam to score big and for C.T. to hospitalize someone. Only they lost. Adam didn’t understand the rules, which led to Tyler and Johnny’s pulling off the biggest upset in Challenge history. It was like the Bulls losing at the buzzer in Game 7 because Horace Grant got confused and scored 15 points in the wrong basket. I almost would have bought it if C.T. wasn’t so cheery afterward. Those two threw the challenge, and I’m 99 percent sure Connor had something to do with it. This elimination was The Challenge’s version of the Black Sox scandal. In 2057, there will be a Field of Dreams remake in which C.T. materializes in a cornfield to eat the faces of his Challenge rivals.
Sammie (Jersey Shore): 7.5 points. Sammi may or may not have scored 7.5 points for adjusting her boobs this episode. I have no idea. I refuse to look at since she murdered my good friend Single Ronnie.
Erica, Holly, Jake, and Kirk (Bachelor Pad, various GRTFL teams): 5 points. These folks either cried or pretended they would do something honorable with the prize money, notching them 5 points apiece. The most entertaining was Erica’s cry. There was a challenge in which the male contestants threw paint-filled eggs at the female contestant who best answered the question the host asked. When the host asked, “Who are you least attracted to?” Erica was showered in eggs and paint. Humiliated and in tears, she taught us a lesson through her sobs:
- “It was painful, but emotionally it was more painful. I’m naturally very curvaceous and nothing on me is fake, unlike half of the girls. They aren’t actually skinny and they have fake boobs. It is just hurtful if people are targeting me, especially when there is someone like Ella
who is way bigger than I am.”
Always take solace in the fact that there is one girl who’s fatter than you.
Sean Young (Celebrity Rehab, House): 5 points. Anyone who yells “shut up,” “relax,” or “calm down” at the top of their lungs is an idiot (5 points).
Miles and Heather (Love in the Wild, Connor and Jay): 2.5 points. Miles and Heather kissed (2.5 points) while, for one final time, I developed three more reality shows called Love in the Wild that I would rather watch:
- 1. Davis Love III teaches proper technique for hitting irons out of the rough on
Love In The Wild.
2. Maria Sharapova and Sasha Vujcic are forced to survive on a remote Fijian island with nothing but each other on Love In The Wild.
3. Monie Love attempts to resurrect her hip-hop career in the concrete jungle on Love In The Wild.
Wes (The Challenge, Kang): -10 points. Wes’ best attempt at making Cara Maria cry was to say, “You are very immature. You are not deep enough for me.” Really, Wes? That’s all you got? The woman standing in front of you dresses like Jack Sparrow, sleeps with a pillow disguised as her boyfriend, and wears more makeup than a transvestite Juggalo, and all you could come up with was “immature”? Did you see Laurel last week? You should be ashamed of yourself (-10 points for unsuccessfully trying to make someone cry).
Jay Caspian Kang (Fraudulent Coitus): It’s too late now, but we should’ve done the following rule amendment: Every time Ronnie says something nice to Sammi, his owner should lose 20 points. Every time Sammi gets drunk and says the word “baby” or “kid” to Ronnie, her owner should lose 15 points. And every time they are shown in infrared in the “smush room,” both owners lose 30 points. Can somebody please explain to me why the producers of this show continue to force-feed us this relationship? Are there really no other alternate storylines? Like one of those sped-up camera sequences in which we get to watch everything that Sammi ate over the past three months? I’d even watch the Situation’s trips to therapy, or Vinny’s daily confrontations with the box of steroids he keeps underneath his bed. “I know I shouldn’t take you, but goddammit!” Honestly, I’d rather watch almost anything else on TV, including PBS and most of ION. But, of course, I don’t. I keep watching those two stupid beasts clumsily paw at the idea of love.
Lane Brown (The Blurcle Jerks): Snooki, what’s going on? I can’t believe the no. 1 pick of our Jersey Shore supplemental draft is scoring points by crying and (credibly!) denying coitus. You bring more shame on the Blurcle Jerks clubhouse than Johnny Bananas and Bai Ling combined. YOU ARE LOSING TO SAMMI. Team owners, I’ll entertain any reasonable offer to take her off my hands.
David Jacoby (Blanket Coverage): This week on Celebrity Rehab we visited Hobie Canseco’s (actor Jeremy Jackson who played Hobie on Baywatch and looks like a Canseco brother) home and saw the depths of his body image obsession. This is him listing the contents of his kitchen cabinet:
- “Phentermines, [bleep], a very powerful anabolic steroid, testosterone cream, Phentermine, [bleep], Selegiline, Acarbose, Anastrozole, insulin, and stuff they give to cows preslaughter
The stuff they give cows preslaughter? For real, Hobie? Based on the contents of his kitchen you would think someone with Parkinson’s, a menopausal woman, a bodybuilder, a diabetic, an obese person, and a cow all lived there. I now understand how he can grow a mustache over a commercial break, but I will never understand why the hell he would do this to himself. Hobie Canseco, if you are reading this, you look amazing dude, you win, now chill the hell out and eat a pastrami sandwich — they’re delicious.
Grantland’s Reality TV Fantasy League: The Complete Rules and Draft Results
Reality Fantasy League Jersey Shore Supplemental Draft: Rules and Results
Reality League Scorecard: J.P. Wins The Bachelorette, But Scores 70 Points, At Least