We don’t score reunion shows here at the GRTFL. Why? No idea, it is just a dumb rule that’s grandfathered in like the extra point in football or “Thou shalt not kill” in that God book. That said, I am not going to let an insignificant detail like “no one scored” get in the way of oversharing my thoughts on the hornet’s swarm of hussie hatred that was released this week on The Bachelor: Women Tell All. Behold, “Things I Learned While Watching The Bachelor: Women Tell All”:
- 1. Chris Harrison Is Not a G: Chris Harrison’s workweek usually consists of being flown first class to a paradisey remote location, sitting by the pool for four days, putting on a suit, and then delivering three lines of script. This week he had to host a show, ask questions, and throw to breaks and stuff. The workload was too much for him. He passed out mid-taping. Chris Harrison is not a G.
2. If You Are a Single Dude, You Should Be Watching The Bachelor: I know, I know, at first this may seem counterintuitive, but fallamenow: Women watch The Bachelor. If you approach a fetching stranger, turn the conversation to The Bachelor, make a few jokes, and tell her how much you hate Courtney, it is essentially the equivalent of a lady walking up to a man and saying, “Do you think that J.R. Smith has lost a step ever since he shaved his ‘Tupac in Juice‘ hair?” So yeah, if you are a single dude, just open with a joke about The Bachelor and take it from there. You’re welcome.
3. The Bachelorettes Have All Created a False Narrative About Why They Were Rejected: Seriously, he is just not that into you. It is clear that every woman has dealt with the pain of being bounced by Bachelor Ben by creating an alternate narrative that protects their psyches from dealing with the reality that they were romantically rejected on national television in favor of an evil-genius model who can control the future with her mind. Kacie B explained that her conservative family was the reason that she and Ben didn’t end up together, when in reality the reason was that she was so immature the most dynamic element of her personality was the fact that she had the ability to twirl a baton. Emily thought she was rejected because during the time she spent with Ben she focused on Courtney, when in reality she was way too little “future fiancée” and way too much “future bro I would take to the Redman concert.” Jamie went on about how the most awkward kiss in the history of human mouths did in her chances when the reality was that, wait, the reality was that the awkward kiss did her in. I really hope she’s on Bachelor Pad.
4. Courtney Will One Day Rule the World: Courtney is the best character on television since Cheers’ Coach. (Sorry, Omar.) Seriously, she is a perfect villain, poised to take over the world. What’s that? You don’t believe that she’s going to take over the world? Check this out, last weekend at the Sloan Conference I met Dan-from-M.I.T. and asked him to do some research on Courtney to quantify how popular she is. The results of his findings were tremendous. He plotted the number of weekly searches for Courtney there were on the interwebs for the nine weeks the show has been running into a graph:
So there it is, actual scientific proof that Courtney the Model Who Won’t Stop Talking About Being a Model will one day rule the world. Courtney is such a diabolical genius that she will look at this graph and say, “I should have never had a dip in my popularity — I knew I should have slapped that bitch when we taped the seventh episode.”
Oh yeah, there was also plenty of scoring to discuss this week, and one shocking occurrence on The Challenge that I am so terrified to write about I haven’t slept since I witnessed it. Let’s hit up the Top Scorers:
The Situation (Jersey Shore, Lisanti), 40 points: There’s a lot that I don’t understand about The Situation’s modus operandi, but this episode particularly called his behavior into question. Sure, there was the part when they were camping and he acted like he was overdosing on PCP and defending himself against a rebel death squirrel army that didn’t exist — but what really troubled me was his revelation to Snooki’s boyfriend Jionni that she had cuckolded Jionni by fellating him while the two of them were together. He evoked some “guy code” as his motivating factor for revealing this to Jionni. I am no expert on how the “guy code” works, but I would guess that right above “if you are fellated by another guy’s girlfriend you must tell them about it” is “don’t get fellated by another guy’s girlfriend.” Again, I’m no expert, so what do I know?
There must be another rule in the “guy code” that reads, “If a guy reveals to you that he was fellated by your girlfriend, you react as if he just told you the score of the Dodgers game,” because that is exactly what Jionni did. The producers have been teasing this revelation since the very first episode of the season, and there hasn’t been a bigger letdown promoted this heavily since P.T. Barnum had everyone shuffling toward The Great Egress. (How’s that for a dated reference? [Editor’s note: We’re impressed. No joke.] Snooki, however, was less nonchalant when she heard the news of The Snitchuation’s latest attempt at camera time. Snooki spazzed out, yelled at him (5 points), and then attempted to douse him in every liquid food item she could find in the fridge (5 points). You could tell she was particularly belligerent because she even launched one of her prized pickles.
Oh yeah, Snitchuation also had an open-mouth kiss (5 points) and shagged some girl (25 points) who had just broken up with her boyfriend that day. There is a very good chance they soon got back together only to break up once again yesterday when he saw that during the 12 hours they were broken up she smush-roomed America’s court jester.
Kenya (Basketball Wives, Kang), 20 points: Kenya is the worst kind of aspiring entertainer: the I Am Going to Spend My Life Attempting to Break Into Entertainment Even Though I am Clearly Not Suited for It kind. This episode, she explained that she has a dance company that provides dancers that “perform choreographed routines for private parties and corporate events” (10 points). I am not saying Kenya is a professional stripper-wrangler, but if that were my job, that’s exactly how I would describe it.
In this episode, Kenya held an audition for said dance company. She was so moved when people actually arrived to audition that she gave a speech that included a good cry (5 points), an awkward outfit, and a sneak-dis at Kesha that did not go unnoticed by the scoring committee (5 points). If Kenya makes it through this season without Evelyn trying to decapitate her, I will lose all faith in the natural balance of the basketball wives’ circle.
Emily (The Challenge, Lisanti), 15 points: “Is this racist?”
Think about that question for a second. If your synapses ever fire in such a manner that your brain tells your mouth to form this question, squash that impulse immediately. The answer is “yes.” The answer is always “yes.” Yet that was precisely the question Emily posed this week on The Challenge. She pointed at her face and asked her friend Camilla, “Is this racist?” At the time, her face was covered in chocolate. Take a second to let that soak in.
Take another second.
Yes, Emily, smearing chocolate all over your face and impersonating your African-American friend is racist. Super fucking racist. The only white person in the history of white people to ever pull off blackface was Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder. And even that was borderline. Emily from The Challenge? You are no Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder. Not even close.
Her drunken (5 points), tear-soaked (10 points) defense was, “I grew up really sheltered and in my own little world I have never even heard of blackface.” I didn’t grow up in a cult and I have no idea what it would be like to grow up in a cult, but if you have enough sense to point at your chocolate-covered face and ask, “Is this racist?,” you have enough sense to know that it damn well is.
Can we move on? This whole thing is a drag.
Ty (The Challenge, Lisanti), 15 points: What? We can’t move on? Ty scored 15 points, too? Shit. Full disclosure: I don’t like Ty, but I do respect his reaction to Emily impersonating him by, you know, covering her face in chocolate. He decided the best reaction to what he just witnessed was to pack his bags and threaten to leave the show (15 points).
Who’s next? Snooki? Thank God. I can always count on America’s Treasure to do something I can make fun of. This heady shit is bringing me down.
Snooki (Jersey Shore, Simmons), 10 points: You should never play-fight, slap-box, or wrestle with your friends. Things can escalate quickly. Trust me. Snooki and Snitchuation demonstrated just how quickly an innocent dinner table food fight can explode into full-on screaming (5 points) and culinary combat (5 points). Snooki will bust a grape in a food fight.
Oh yeah, also, Jersey Shore? I AM NEVER EATING A BELVITA BREAKFAST BISCUIT AND I AM NEVER SHARING CLIPS OF JERSEY SHORE ON MTV.COM. However much Belvita is paying you to run those commercials, I will personally pay more to stop them. I watch the show on DVR and stop fast-forwarding when they come on just so I can hate them harder every week.
Kesha (Basketball Wives, Kang), 5 points: Kesha is the Ricky Rubio of this year’s Basketball Wives rookie crop. She’s cute, she has a mean streak (5 points), and SHE WAS THE CHICK RICHARD JEFFERSON LEFT AT THE ALTAR. Spurs fans know how she feels.
Royce (Basketball Wives, Jacoby), 5 points: Royce cried this week (5 points) and won the “Preserve Our Legacy” award at some event. I don’t remember the exact name of the charity that held the event, but I think it was the “Martini Hurlers of America Association.”
Tami (Basketball Wives, Simmons), 5 points: Tami also cried this week (5 points) and inspired a new weekly gag in the GRTFL column. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Basketball Wives Producer, How Dumb Do You Think We Are?
The producers of this television program are really trying to make us believe that Tami and her team from Diva Glam just happened to be holding auditions and Kenya just happened to be auditioning her talents at the same time. Basketball Wives Producer, How Dumb Do You Think We Are?
What was that? What is Diva Glam Inc.? Well, I am glad you asked. Diva Glam is “the first and only traveling fashion production of its kind” that “prides itself on bringing the latest footwear, beauty and style trends to the full-figured woman.” Who are the full-figured women on their client list? None other than Nas, Master P, and Bun B. I did notice that Esco had gained a little weight, but … full-figured woman?
Deena (Jersey Shore, Connor), 5 points: You know that feeling when you accidentally stumble upon one elegant solution for two tricky problems? It’s like spilling water on a dirty carpet: You didn’t spill water, you’re cleaning the carpet! I have just such a solution for Deena’s troubled love life — which, let’s face it, has become a national concern. Americans aren’t asking for much: justice, a way to provide for our families, and a decent person for Deena to drink with in the late morning. You know what else America wants? The same for Jennifer Aniston. See what I am getting at? Two birds, meet my friend one stone. Deenfier, 2012 is all yours. Enjoy.
Vinny (Jersey Shore, Jacoby), 5 points: Vinny is clearly wiser after hooking up with thousands of women around the world since his rise to fame. After making out with a less-than-attractive girl (5 points), he offered this gem: “Hot girls are boring a lot of the time. They sit there, ‘I’m hot, I don’t have to do anything.’ I want some variety in my diet.” Vinny is like a Yoda for Bros. He is Broda.