The Germans probably have a word for that feeling you experience when something you believed to be perfect is proven imperfect by the subsequent revelation of a seemingly more-perfect thing. Anyway: Whatever that word is, you’re about to be crushed by it, because a red-band trailer for Pain and Gain has arrived, and it has obliterated the now-tainted memory of the mere appetizer Michael Bay served us back in December. (Remember how excited we all got? Seems silly now.)
The red-band version of the trailer is so satisfying, in fact, that maybe Bay should consider feeding the entire movie to us in these tiny increments, like handfuls of diced otter to a hungry killer whale, or bumps of cocaine to a reluctant Victoria’s Secret model who’s not sure if it’s a good idea to practice poses on the rotating waterbed in his trailer. (Note to the models: Do it. It’s worth it for the synchronized flame-thrower show alone.) Could a two-hour film possibly be a more pure expression of uncut Bayhem than this three-minute version? The only way it could get better is if Bay personally showed you the entire thing on an iPad while you were sitting on the Rock’s back as he blasted out push-ups, with Mark Wahlberg constantly interrupting you to ask if his pecs look “juicy.”
Just bring us the movie already. We’ll give you a fucking toe. We’ve got nine more.