Silicon Valley creator Mike Judge tweeted out a link to a paper called “Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency,” which offers a scientific explanation of the season-finale-spanning dick joke to end all dick jokes.
Or, as writers Dinesh Chugtai and Bertram Gilfoyle explain it:
A probabilistic model is introduced for the problem of stimulating a large male audience. Double jerking is considered, in which two shafts may be stimulated with a single hand. Both tip-to-tip and shaft-to-shaft configurations of audience members are analyzed. We demonstrate that pre-sorting members of the audience according to both shaft girth and leg length allows for more efficient stimulation. Simulations establish steady rates of stimulation even as the variance of certain parameters is allowed to grow, whereas naive unsorted schemes have increasingly flaccid performance.
There are charts and numbers and math. There are sections called “Single Member Stimulation” and “Gratification Threshhold.” We don’t understand a word of it. It doesn’t matter. Wonder can coexist with science, magic with empiricism, churning shafts with colliding tips.
You can scroll through it below. And you should. The world is a better place because this exists.
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