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The New ‘Jupiter Ascending’ Trailer: The Channing/Mila Laser Show

While ‘Godzilla’ and ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’ and the rest of the blockbusters are threatening to rule or extinguish mankind this summer, the intergalactic baddies of ‘Jupiter Ascending’ promise something so much creepier on their tour de Earth: a harvest. And only Channing Tatum’s elf ears and Mila Kunis’s plucky spirit can stop it.

As the first Jupiter Ascending trailer explained, we are far from alone in the universe. Unfortunately, while Godzilla and Transformers: Age of Extinction and the rest are threatening to rule or extinguish mankind all summer, Jupiter Ascending’s baddies promise something so much more evil on their tour de Earth: a harvest. And not in the corn and soybeans kind.

But! But but but! There’s a Chosen One Fail-safe! Channing Tatum’s ultimate killer and his elf ears can save Mila Kunis’s toilet-scrubbing Jupiter Jones, who unknowingly shares the Queen of the Universe’s genetic code and may very well do some intergalactic usurping. First there’ll be a lot of lasers (perhaps all of the lasers), some future-sneakers and space-chapels, and a couple of regular seatbelts. Also, Tatum’s Caine will pilot this at some point:


(Shout-out to Guillermo del Toro. Channing is re-canceling the apocalypse. Ooh, now I’ve set up an interesting Jupiter Ascending v. Pacific Rim box -office battle in my mind. Never underestimate the original, non-sequel, non-reboot Hollywood property — until it performs terribly and gets swallowed up by a cartoon about a dog.)

The new trailer gives us our first longer glimpses at either Les Misérables’s Eddie Redmayne or Cloud Atlas’s James D’Arcy (honestly, after so much scrutiny, cannot tell — you decide!) as a high-ranking, Xerxes-in-300 member of what Caine calls “one of the most powerful dynasties in the universe.” Sean Bean’s back, too.

I know we’ve been steered wrong by the Wachowskis before, but I did see some kind of dragon/demon at the two-minute mark, so you’re probably OK to get pumped about this. Just keep doing those drills your hypnotist taught you for forgetting almost everything that came between The Matrix and now.