Miley Cyrus: MARIJUANA OVERDOSE! “GIRL GONE WILD!” A picture of Miley with downcast eyes in a Kurt Cobain T-shirt. “Miley was smoking so much weed, her friends were afraid that she had overdosed!” Her friends are idiots. “Her eyes were extremely glassed over, and she was talking gibberish. She looked messed up. People were really concerned.” Miley’s pals sound like a bunch of snitches. Also, it’s WEED, y’all. She’ll be fine. Chillin’ even. “It’s not the first time Miley has gotten out of control, and she runs with a very shady, drug-using crowd.” Again, as long as the only drug they’re using is weed, she’ll be A-OK. “We’re afraid Miley will overdose badly at some point.” I mean, maybe on Doritos. Miley “smokes pot until she passes out.” Sounds like a gateway drug to watching marathons of The Millionaire Matchmaker. She shuts down criticism with “we’re partying, and it’s early.” Too much marijuana “could cripple the chart-topper’s vocal chords and damage brain cells.” Reefer Madness Montana may not know that pot “increases dopamine levels, but they then drop below the normal levels and it’s difficult to get them to return — so people try harder drugs.” Even without harder drugs, “a marijuana overdose — symptoms of which include feelings of paranoia or fear, vomiting, increased heart rate, hallucination, and disorientation — can occur.” A sidebar suggests that Miley’s extra-perky cleavage is a result of a breast augmentation, rather than of being 19. Miley is “sick of always having to apologize for her behavior.” And I’m sick of all these BUZZKILLS bringing down my girl Miley’s HIGH, MAAAAAN. Now pass the fucking moon rock vaporizer this-a-way, please.
A Very Royal Christmas: “Since marrying Prince William in regal radiance,” Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton has aced her Advanced Duchess Exams “deftly” at all turns, “from charming the chilly queen to being a picture-perfect palace ambassador.” But the biggest test is ahead; the lavish pageantry of a royal Christmas celebration. Without any commoners to comfort her (“no in-laws are invited”), Kate will have to “navigate a tricky web of etiquette” involving novelty gifts and five clothing changes (!) a day. “It will be a difficult baptism in protocol laced with pitfalls.” (“Holiday Rule No. 1 for Kate to heed? When the Queen makes a joke, you laugh.”) Kate should call Miley, see if she can get laced up with some buds for her stay in the English countryside. “She’s the first outsider since Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, to join the royal throng.” Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the word “throng.” Okay, moment over. “Formal dinner brings Kate’s most nerve-racking test: conversation with the queen over a meal of shrimp, lamb or locally shot game.” In the morning “royals rise to stockings, stuffed with small gifts and fruit, at the feet of their beds.” After a morning church walk, lunch is served, followed by a TV party at 3 “to watch the Queen’s taped speech to the nation.” Then it’s board games, but “Monopoly is banned because it gets too vicious!” (This is a really good call, honestly). It will be a Taylor Swift wet dream white Christmas: “A magical time in a fairy-tale setting, with an 18th century castle, white-gloved servants, formal dining and pheasant shooting on a 20,000-acre estate.” Maybe it’s my Southern California showing, but I’d prefer a bong hits and In-N-Out burgers Burbank Xmas with Miley.
JENNIFER ANISTON PREGNANT WITH TWINS: “BABY JOY AT AGE 42!” Who is Baby Joy? “Other than Brad Pitt, Jen has never really loved anyone the way she loves Justin Theroux.” She might be having twins after using fertility drug gonadotropin. She has “babies on the brain” because Justin is “The One.” Nothing is worse than capitalizing “The One.” A creepy anonymous neighbor source says, “My kitchen window overlooks a bedroom in Jen’s house, and I see her changing clothes from time to time.” O RLY? “She seems to have a baby bump — it’s more than just a bloated belly.” The only actual indicator Aniston might be pregnant is that she hasn’t been seen with booze lately. “She’s usually the first to pop open a bottle of wine or suggest sunset margaritas.” (Please explain “sunset margaritas.” It’s exactly what it sounds like, right?) Jen’s “body is betraying her baby secret.” Following “years of post-Brad Pitt dating snafus (John Mayer anyone?)” Jen “finally!” feels “safe and secure.” She even quit her smoking habit and as a result has “put on a few love pounds.”
Vivica Fox’s “Breakup Bash:” Vivica Fox celebrated calling off her wedding to 28-year-old Omar “Slim” White with a party “so extravagant, it was almost like a wedding.” Since Jack White and Karen Elson also had a divorce party, is this like a thing now? Can it not be? The party involved “karaoke, luxe gift bags, and cheeky drinks like the ‘On To The Next’ mojito.” This sounds so depressing. “The theme was ‘Thank God Viv Dodged a Bullet'” (imprinted on souvenir shirts). Don’t cry for Vernita “Copperhead” Green too much, though: “A really hot gentleman was waiting in her limo to take her home!”
Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber: Apparently, they “spend way too much time together” and their parents fear they may get engaged soon. “When they can’t be together, they’re on the phone talking for hours and hours. And each call ends with a profession of love, need, and desire.” When together (as on their recent romantic trip to Cabo San Lucas) they make out and ride jet-skis nonstop. Gomez, 19, had “a diamond on her ring finger” and “said she was wearing it to see how it felt on her hand.” Unless “the thrill is apparently gone” for the “tired teen twosome,” who are already acting “LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE” on their first anniversary. “They seemed more interested in texting.” Ah, texting, the digital deathbed of the new century.
Ashton Kutcher Rebounds With Glee‘s Lea Michele? Lea on Ashton: “He’s academic. He’s book-smart for sure.” Uh-huh. OK. What’s up? Shut up. “Ask Lea Michele about Ashton Kutcher, her New Year’s Eve love interest, and you’ll hear nothing about his ugly marital split from Demi Moore, no mention of his alleged trysts in hotel hot tubs. His San Diego one-night stand Sara Leal says “sex with Ashton Kutcher ruined my life.” At the New Year’s Eve premiere, “Ashton, 33, and Lea, 25, (in a precipitously plunging Valentino gown) mooned and pawed at each other and seemed all but ready for a roll in the Hollywood landmark’s iconic cement.” Beautiful imagery, sure. “Meanwhile, by bitter contrast, the shattered Demi was 3,000 miles away on Cape Cod, Mass. — at a funeral for a friend. Grief compounding grief.” OK OK, it’s not a novel. Demi “knows Ashton’s having an easier time than she is moving on, but she just wishes he wouldn’t be so blatant about it. It almost makes her feel like their marriage meant nothing to him.” Then there’s a a panel of brunettes, including Demi and Lea: “IS THIS ASHTON’S TYPE? It’s as if he’d bought a dark wig and passed it from lady to lady.” Ageist shade thrown at Demi: “[A]t 49, do some of her signature raven locks come from a bottle?”
Beyonce’s Pregnancy: Announced during the MTV VMAs, “it became the most tweeted topic of the year — nearly 9,000 tweets per second — even beating talk of Osama Bin Laden’s death.”
Kim Kardashian Bullies Sister Khloe: Kim, “consumed with jealousy over Khloe’s genuinely loving relationship with husband Lamar Odom,” keeps “lashing out” at her sister. “Kim feels like her life is falling apart and she’s taking a lot out on Khloe.” Kim has become openly hostile, telling Khloe “that Lamar is going to cheat on her if she keeps gaining weight.” Khloe is now nervous about eating too much in front of him. “At first, Khloe let Kim have her vicious meltdowns, trying to be understanding as she went through a tough time.” Kim now cruelly taunts Khloe, calling her a “dramatic cow” and “unlovable.”
Kristen Stewart’s Revenge: A report of Robert Pattinson stepping out with Kristen Stewart’s “gorgeous blonde” friend Sarah Roemer “wasn’t the type of news that any girlfriend wants to wake up to.” Kristen “flipped out” while Rob defensively claimed it was “just a bunch of friends having drinks together.” Despite rumors of an impending engagement, “Kristen and Rob’s relationship has always been super-dramatic and fueled by jealousy.” When apart, “they fight and miss each other.” Kristen has gotten closer to singer Marcus Foster, who “openly calls Stewart his muse.” Kristen knows Rob hates it, but “she likes having someone to make Rob jealous and to remind him that other guys find her attractive.” If this is wildly immature, it’s “understandable” that Stewart would give Pattinson a taste of his own medicine. Kristen took co-star Roehmer’s comments about Stewart’s “gorgeous” boyfriend Pattinson as a direct threat. “Kristen took it as Sarah straight-up telling her ‘I’m after your man.'” “It was the canoodle felt round the world,” with speculation everywhere. “Rob’s one of the world’s biggest heartthrobs and Kristen’s never been able to relax the whole time she’s been with him. This was like, her worst fear realized.” Kristen is “upset that Rob’s not ready to commit to another year in California.” Stewart’s “newfound coquettishness” also poses a problem, although really I take this as a sign that the Twilight franchise is just over and everybody got freed from their publicity contracts. “The brooding screen vampire is terrified that Kristen, 21, might come home and toss his guitar and hoodies into the street” LOLOLOL. So many run-over hoodies. “He adores Kristen. He wakes up thinking of her and goes to bed thinking of her. And he would do anything for her.” “Kristen Stewart has traded in her tired, tomboy look for a new, risque style” Sigh. “Gam Glam! No more casual skinny jeans and sneakers! Lately, she’s been baring her legs and stepping out in serious high heels.” Why? Does she want to be taller?
Is Sandra Bullock’s Son Louis in Danger? “Fugitive sex offenders are on the loose in Sandra’s neighborhood.” Suffering through “every mother’s worst nightmare,” Bullock lives in the Hollywood Hills with “a rapist” form the sex offender registry “just 10 houses away from Sandra and her 2-year-old.” There’s also a pedophile right by the preschool, and two child pornographers near Sandra’s Austin, Tex. home “while a man who sexually abused a girl not much older than Louis resides close to Sandra’s NYC apartment.” Star really dug deep on the Internet sex offender registry for this one. “There are nearly 70 sex offenders” right by her place in New Orleans. “They include ex-cons with convictions for indecency with a child.” What I get from this story is that child molesters live everywhere and Sandra Bullock has four fucking homes. But also Sandra Is Still Scared to Date — “gun-shy” after her marriage to Jesse James turned into “a nightmare” from his “multiple infidelities.” An insider says “She’s still not ready to date. Her friends are always trying to get her to go out and watch movies. She says dating is the last thing on her mind.” Instead she is focusing on being a mom and perfecting her 47-year old body with a “grueling new get-fit regimen.” The pal says “it’s hard to believe her age.”
Kendra Wilkinson of Hugh Hefner’s Girls Next Door: “Has given her longtime assistant the boot and replaced him with free labor — her husband Hank Baskett!” in order to save money and keep Baskett busy after the Minnesota Vikings didn’t pick him up this year. “Hank doesn’t have a job, so they’re cutting back. And Kendra thought, why not use him to help with her career?”
Michael Fassbender: “Hollywood’s New Hunk” loves nudie time. “People say to me, ‘Oh, you’re naked!’ Well, I’m telling a story. I’m not a politician! I feel great about it.” To prepare to play Jung in David Cronenberg’s A Dangerous Method, he “got a book that was like an idiot’s guide to Jung for children. I got pretty much everything I needed from that.”
“Should Suri Cruise Be Wearing Heels?” “Manolo Blahnik was aghast to learn Suri often sports strappy heels.” “Pam Campbell, mom of two” says “the whole idea of wearing heels is to accentuate the legs and raise the butt. In two words: look sexy!” I seriously always thought the main purpose was to make you taller. “Looking sexy and feeling sexy is not proper for any 5-year-old.” Cool Mom of three “Frida Latta” says “Chill out”; they’re just “tiny heels”! And “old-fogey” fashion police are just jeluzzzzzz of PRINCESS SURI, BALLIN’ 5-YEAR-OLD HOLLYWOOD BITCH.
Kim Richards — DESTROYED BY HOLLYWOOD: “A lifelong pursuit of fame has cost child-star-turned Real Housewife Kim Richards her sobriety — and her sanity.” A photo spread on how she was “CHEWED UP AND SPIT OUT” by the star machine after an acting career that began at age 4. When she agreed to do Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, “she hoped the show might give her another shot at the prize she’d been chasing since childhood: fame.” A “quiet person” when sober, she has relapsed into serious alcoholism. “To get big ratings, you need big personalities. So she started drinking again almost as soon as she got on the show.” And it worked, at first. “Her loopy behavior made one of the cast’s most compelling characters,” but then she got “sloppy” and was pushed into rehab by producers who feared for her life. Kim “has always wanted to be famous. Even a taste of it is addictive to her. She actually had talent, so to watch her niece Paris Hilton become huge for doing nothing was especially difficult. It ate her up inside.”
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis: The couple have “been living separate lives for months. Depp went to NYC club Kenmare “with seven women in tow,” where he “flirted with more than one model type and danced with several girls.” The rumor mill went nuts with reports that Depp was acting single. Forty-eight-year-old Jack Sparrow is having a “mini-midlife crisis.” Doesn’t sound so mini, really. “He was drinking and partying more than he probably should.” Cue up the tape of Stevie Nicks singing “Landslide”: “Vanessa has built her life around Johnny and would be destroyed if he left her.”
Candace Bushnell’s Divorce: Naturally, it has blown up in a story “as scandalous as any of her literary creations.” Her nine-year marriage to 43-year-old ballet dancer Charles Askegard has ended in accusations that he was “cheating on her for years with beautiful ballerina Georgina Pazvoguin.” Fifty-three-year-old Bushnell is “humiliated.”
Rihanna — Out of Control: The 23-year-old bombshell from Barbados is “running on empty,” with her team “increasingly worried about the singer’s out-of-control partying.” Riri has been “smoking so much that it has been hurting her voice.” Given her father’s history of drug addiction, her friends worry she could fall into the same trap. “Rihanna has been partying so much because she feels stressed out about the demands of her career.” The Beverly Hills mansion she purchased recently is “falling apart,” with “water damage,” “moldy carpets and buckled hardwood floors.” Photos confirm the damage to the $7 million house, including “lots of garbage” left behind by the star, “including a Bob Marley poster!” Rihanna remains cocky and stubborn, and supposedly “brags all the time” about her intense partying.
Teen Mom Leah Messer Moving Too Fast: “Gazing longingly at copies of Brides magazine, choosing rings and even planning her wedding menu, the young divorcée” has “let down her guard a lot more than she should.” “New hair, new love!” Even though her boyfriend, pipelayer Jeremy Calvert, is sweet, “Leah’s friends fear that she’s letting her hopeless romantic tendencies take over yet again. Caught up in the ‘great sex’ she’s been having with Jeremy, Leah has been acting irresponsibly.” She got pregnant initially “by ‘forgetting’ to take her Depo-Provera shots.” Although Leah fantasizes about “spending the rest of her life” with Jeremy, “she’s only 19 — and already has a full plate and one painful divorce under her belt.”
Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes: “They were making out during their meal and also outside the eatery,” but “is it all too much, too soon — for Ryan at least?” Oh yeah, cuz Bitches be CLINGY. “Eva was more touchy and affectionate than Ryan. He looks into her, but she seems even more into him.” C’mon, maybe it’s the other way around!
Best Pictures: Mariah Carey in the snow with Snoopy, Teen Mom Farrah hugging her much older businessman boyfriend, Nicole Scherzinger simulating being held up at gunpoint.
Actual Story: “OPRAH RUINED MY LIFE!”
Miscellaneous/Inane: “Don’t mess with Jenny from the beach!” “The mom of twins got a surfside lesson in capoeira” “Just Fur Laughs” “Kar-TRASH-ians!” “They’re sluts and Kim’s ass is a hunk of lard.” “She’s fake, and you’re fake.” “Breathtaking chocolate brown tulle ombré” “We usually associate crochet with grannies — who knew it could be so hot?” Lady Bunny: “Never wear a picture of someone prettier than you” “Dance like nobody’s watching — and burn calories” Anna Kournikova “trades TV career for a baby” “Bleary Eyed Pea: Fergie is a rock star and sometimes she parties like one.” “The other night at an industry event, Fergie seemed visibly drunk.” “Having a wife who seems drunk mortifies [Josh Duhamel]” RHOBH Adrienne Maloof and Lisa Vanderpump are “both finding out what was said behind each other’s backs, they’re both furious” “I read a lot, watched movies and shot 27 holes of golf, And for the first time, I sunbathed naked. I was in heaven, only it was Mexico.” “If it had gotten onto the brakes, the plane would’ve blown up.” “Justin Bieber stocking up on Nintendo 3DS” “Rosie [O’Donnell] loves hard.” “When [Avril] gets mad, she’s a nightmare. She needs anger management therapy.” Simon Cowell “was like that kid Damien from the film The Omen. He was a really difficult child.” “I’m dating my microphone right now!” “A Chanel model at the tender age of 13, she has kept at least one stiletto in the fashion world ever since.” “No Tupperware for Kim!” “Child Stars From Baby-Faced To Buff”
Best Pictures: Sofia Vergara touching up her lip gloss, a very goth-looking Kim Kardashian, baby Prince Harry dressed up for a nursery Christmas play, Reese Witherspoon’s rockabilly swallows tattoo.
Actual Story: “Babies of the Year”
Miscellaneous/Inane: “Kris Humphries hasn’t got much game.” Larry King: “I wanna be frozen, on the hope that they’ll find whatever I died of and bring me back.” Daniel Craig: “hot fucking yoga” Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy cravings: “I’ll put some salt on my hand like I’m taking a tequila shot, and take a bite of the sandwich.” Katherine Heigl: “I’ve never really been America’s sweetheart. I had ’em for a second thinking maybe I was. And then I opened my mouth.” Drake: “A lot of great women go to bars.” Kelly Ripa’s husband Mark Consuelos says Ripa is his “cohost in life.” “[Garner] was feeding Ben [Affleck] bites of her filet mignon.” Elizabeth Reaser will star in the Off-Broadway revival of Paula Vogel’s Pulitzer-winning play How I Learned To Drive. “Jay-Z, 42, will headline the first-ever hip-hop series at Carnegie Hall.” “Where Lindsay goes, trouble follows!” Marc Anthony “has fits and tantrums” about his split from Jennifer Lopez. Jay-Z and Beyonce have gone “partially vegan.” “Eva Mendes and January Jones having a girls’ night out.” “Tina Fey eating a frittata” “Andrew Garfield nestling his head in girlfriend Emma Stone’s neck over dinner.” “Fairy tales do come true!” “venison quesadillas (from deer hunted by the couple)” Jennifer Lopez: “I’m never tired!” “the B-cup is the new C-cup” A Hollywood hookups chart is a G-rated version of the celebrity STD tree. Essentially they have Scarlett Johansson, Ryan Reynolds, Olivia Wilde, and Justin Timberlake as the central quartet, possibly as a pitch for a remake of Paul Mazursky’s marital swinging comedy Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. “America’s sweetheart has a salty side!” “they give a dress a little kick of sex appeal without having it scream ‘sexy!'” Madonna: “I will [direct again]. I don’t care how critics judge my work. I only care what people think. My son Rocco, however, wants me to make a comedy next — one that makes him laugh, where there are guys doing naughty things. And maybe a few guns!” That sounds cool … can it be about girls, though? Ed Westwick”s favorite Xmas movie is Love Actually (LOL) for its “British humor” and Chloe Sevigny’s is A Christmas Story. “The vintage-inspired silhouette creates the illusion of a small waist and showcases dainty ankles with a great sweep of skirt.” “The more beaten-up these bad boys get, the more authentic they look.” “a girl who gets spray-glittered for her First Communion”
Best Pictures: Lourdes Ciccone Leon’s boyfriend resembles a teenage Sean Penn, Melissa McCarthy’s goth high school yearbook photo, Shiloh Pitt looking so annoyed, a giant 26-pound gummy bear whose stomach is filled with little gummy bears
Actual Story: “Lindsay Lohan Caught Buying Coke” (“Coca-Cola that is!”) “They’re Copying Colonel Sanders!” (string tie fashions)
Miscellaneous/Inane: “Like that clap-happy lady in the white sunglasses, all we can say is bravo, J. Lo” “her ragamuffin hankie” “We’d make out under the bleachers with any of them” Angelina Jolie: “The kids think Brad and I are so not cool.” “I look 75 — on purpose” “‘My Humps’ to ‘my bump'” “Can anyone picture Ryan Seacrest covering 9/11?” “pink roses and a formal sit-down dinner” “Cutest babies of 2011” “I’m the new you!” “it’s one thing to steal someone’s husband but quite another to make out with him right in front of his ex” “LeAnn [Rimes] looked insecure and stupid hanging all over Eddie [Cibrian] like that!” “Opportunistic” Blake Lively “is keeping her ex Leonardo DiCaprio on ice in case her relationship with Ryan Reynolds goes bust.” Lively “likes knowing she has a safety net.” Isn’t being single the safety net? Sigh. “You need a sweater.” “By day celebs are like us; comfy and casual. By night? Well, that’s a whole ‘nother glamorous story.” “HOT BODY ALERT” “Katy Perry’s year of Fun Hair” “These losers are winners!” “Travels through time to have an arty party” “Robert Pattinson impersonator.” A Kim K. lookalike says “Sometimes I feel like I’m living her life” The real Kim K. tweets of a visit to Germany: “It’s Vonderfull here! I love z apple strudel.”
Best Pictures: Mario Lopez attacked by puppies on the set of Treasure Buddies, Carrie Underwood holding her electric guitar, Britney and Kevin Federline’s 2004 Xmas card (making me miss that era of Britney something fierce), two alpacas named Latte and Cinnamon.
Actual Story: “PDA-PALOOZA!”
Miscellaneous/Inane: “A Santa surfing contest!” “Mmm … mustache — delicious!” Mark Salling on Glee: “I can’t complain.” No, I mean, I physically cannot complain. “Adele, the beer snob?” “Tired of insisting that she was only a waitress at a Jersey strip club” “gender-appropriate baby gifts” (NO) Kourtney Kardashian to teen mom Farrah: “I may look young honey, but don’t get it twisted.” Wow that’s very Kristal Konnors of you Kourtney. “Surprise Look-Alikes!” “She walked into a propeller…and survived!” “He had flown her high above Dallas so she could drink in all the decorative Christmas lights illuminating her hometown below. But as she moved toward the cockpit to express her gratitude, she was pulled into the still-spilling propeller” “the stunning 23-year-old fashion blogger is already making her first strides down the road to recovery, awake and talking after surgery.” “Hours later, doctors determined that her mauled hand could not be saved and surgically amputated it. They speculated she used her hand in a futile last-second attempt to block the propeller” Lauren “a former wardrobe intern on the set of Gossip Girl” will “fight,” according to her mom. “She’s a scrapper.” Mariah Carey’s yearly Aspen trip for Christmas: “We go in the hot tub in our Christmas bikinis” (Christmas bikinis) “then roll in the fresh snow and jump back in the hot tub.” Gwyneth Paltrow uses a “natural” alternative to botox involving “snake venom.” “Christmas is coming and that means it’s time for boots, fishnets, and choppers” Audrina Patridge tweets “Time for ms. Clause to start handing out cupcakes.” “One of Hollywood’s most playful — and visible — families” Hoda: “Why not just send pictures of your kids? Now that’s the money shot.” Pictures of your children are the cumshot, Hoda? Really? You know what, actually? Fair enough.
Molly Lambert is a Grantland staff writer.
Previously: Lindsay Lohan’s Secret Diary, and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids
Jennifer Aniston’s Imaginary Wedding, and Other Tales From This Week’s Gossip Magazines
Johnny Depp and the Too-Close Costar