Look, I am going to tell it like it is: There was no one great show this week. No standout psycho, no hospitalization, no denial of coitus, no attempted murder, not even a vomit. However, while no show on the Lowbrow Highlights roster hit for the cycle, every show on the roster delivered at least a solid single. Real World featured a brah hooking up with three women in one day, Vanderpump Rules had a “he said, she said” for the ages, The Bachelor welcomed the return of Ashley S. the Shaman Philosopher Witch-Doctor Angel Healer, and The Challenge … well, while I am not a big supporter of Are You the One? alums being deemed Challenge-worthy, I am a big supporter of this:
Check out the look on homeboy’s face! He is on that McConaughey fifth-dimension, time-is-a-flat-circle, vertical 69 shit! Shout-out to him. Before I get the above photo tattooed on my back, let’s ask: What the fuck, ABC?
For Real, ABC, Where Was the Tent Sex You Promised?
We all sit through the plate full of vegetables known as the three-hour The Bachelor premiere so we can eat the “This Season On …” two-minute dessert. This season’s “This Season On” had a particularly interesting little section in it, the section where THE BACHELOR GETS TENT FELLATIO. It is at 1:45 in this video:
Now, knowing from that video that tent fellatio was in my future, I couldn’t have been more excited for this “camping” date. It was off to a great start, too, before the booze even came out. Ashley I. the Virgin was patriotically topless:
Then, Grantland Favorite Kaitlyn was bottomless:
All were headed on an express train toward tent fellatio until Fun-Crusher Kelsey had to chime in with her two cents:
“For me, no, it is just not appropriate to just start undressing in front of a guy in this awkward group date scenario. This is a date made for bimbos. I think if you have dignity and are self-respecting, you just get to the point where you want to call it quits.”
One would think Kelsey killed all tent coitus potential, but when night falls, Ashley I. the Virgin makes her move to Farmer Chris’s tent. And then, well, you know:
But the weirdest thing happens. NO TENT FELLATIO. NO TENT COITUS. What the fuck? How could ABC lead us to believe there was tent fellatio when there was no tent fellatio to be had? Wait, let me check the “This Season On” one more time … THIS WAS A TENT FELLATIO FALSE ALARM! There is another tented escapade. A Salt Lake–y, tent-y, gray-rock-background, I-think-it-is–Grantland Favorite Kaitlyn–fellating–Farmer Chris escapade to be had. If not, the ABC promo people be trifilin’.
Tony on Real World Hits for the Cycle
When we last saw our friend Tony, he was living in a house with the three women in his life and freaking the fuck out about it. Well, this week when we see Tony he is, you know, freaking the fuck out about living with three women in the same house. Here they are: his “ex” Elizabeth, his “first love” Alyssa, and his “roommate” Madison:
Now, if you were Tony, you would think the appropriate action in such an emotionally explosive situation would be to play it cool, lie low, be nice to all of them, not play favorites, and just ride it out. Not Tony. Tony’s play was to act like he was singularly committed to whoever was in front of him at the moment she was in front of him. I have to say, it played out pretty well for him. He went four-for-four with the ghost of Ex-mas Past, the Ghost of Ex-mas Present, the Ghost of Ex-mas Future, and, of course, the Ghost of Ex-mas Bar Local. Let’s go step by step through his record-breaking evening.
He started out the episode by making out with his “first love” Alyssa on the back deck:
Later that evening, he ventured out to the club, where he made out with his “roommate” Madison:
Then, just to show his range, while still at the bar, he made out with Breanna the (YOU CRAZY FOR THIS ONE, BUNIM/MURRAY) “bar local”:
After the “Bar Local,” Tony decided the appropriate nightcap would be to bathroom-coitus his ex:
Watching this all go down, it is easy to get caught up in the obvious questions: Why would these women allow themselves to be treated like this? Why would anyone agree to travel across the country to fight over a man on camera? Why does Tony allow himself to be treated the way he does by these women? What credentials does Breanna have to allow herself to be titled “bar local”? But what you should really be asking yourself is this: WHY ARE ALL THESE HOT WOMEN FIGHTING OVER A DUDE IN A PLAID HOODIE?
For some questions, there is no answer.
A Quote From Zach Giving Everyone on The Challenge the Realness
Above is a picture of Zach encouraging his ex-girlfriend to make out with another dude. Below is a quote from Zach that might be too real for everyone left on the show without the surname Bananas:
“This is the game. It’s dirty, it’s ugly, and it’s really not fair.”
Ashley I. Is The Bachelor Virgin Silver Medalist
If you watch this show, you know exactly who Ashley I. is. Ashley I. is the one who won’t shut up about being a virgin. She cried because she didn’t tell Chris she was a virgin, and then she cried because she didn’t do a good enough job telling Chris she was a virgin when she tried to tell Chris she was a virgin:
Chris and I had a conversation when we were camping, and I thought that I had clarified the fact that I was a virgin. But in hindsight, I was thinking maybe he didn’t get that, so tonight I am going to tell him straightforward that I am a virgin. Hopefully it goes well, and he respects me, and he looks at me like I am marriage material.
First off, the idea that someone who isn’t a virgin isn’t respectful or marriage material is infuriating. But, getting past that, when she told him she was a virgin, he didn’t seem to care either way. His reaction was kind of “whatever,” but there were two great reactions from women in the house:
• “I actually didn’t know that she was a virgin. It shocked me, because I have seen her making out with Chris 13,000 times. Her mouth is not a virgin.” —Carly
• “I’m a virgin, too. It’s a decision I made, so I have not told him yet. It hasn’t even come up.” And then Becca made this face:
Ashley I. had built her whole “you should marry me” platform on her virgin vagina and Becca straight toppled it with one smug mug. Sorry Ashley I., you just dropped one spot in The Bachelor Virgin Power Rankings. Ashley I., you are a silver-medalist virgin.
Nany, Why Are You Crying?
At first you kind of understand what Nany is going through while being partnered with her ex, Bananas:
“I’m in this house with my ex, who I obviously still care about. He usually doesn’t care about me. He has no feelings for me, but we are, like, in this house together. I wish he wasn’t my partner so we could do this challenge and, like, not have to worry about each other.”
Then you, being the Challenge-obsessed weirdo you are, watch the after-show and hear her say:
“So, like, I was saying that Johnny and I hadn’t talked about anything that happened between us, which was like four years ago.”
Wait, you are crying about a dude you randomly hooked up with FOUR YEARS AGO? And he has been with another chick for three years? I am starting to think that maybe you aren’t thinking right. Then I see you take a shot:
Anyone who plugs their nose before taking a shot cannot be trusted. Fact. Sorry, Nany.
Return of Ashley S. the Shaman Philosopher Witch-Doctor Angel Healer
This week she was back, and she was as misunderstood as ever. Now, her performance during the episode may have been a little — I am not afraid to say it — nontraditional. However, Ashley S. the Shaman Philosopher Witch-Doctor Angel Healer, was featured during that clip they always save for the credit roll. Here are the word-gifts she bestowed on us during that hallowed moment:
“I feel nothing. I am honestly not sad at all. I have no feelings. I am who I am. I am not worried about me. I am not worried about me at all. Chris, all I have to say to you is … nothing.”
If you ever doubted that she was a Shaman Philosopher Witch-Doctor Angel Healer, I offer the above quote as rebuttal. Case fucking closed.
Sylvia Is a “Violent Person”
On reality TV, it is always hard to watch the rebuffed suitor. This season, it is Jason, who is chasing Sylvia, who is interested in being chased for the ego boost, but not interested in anything beyond that. Jason was doing his best with Sylvia, telling her how much he liked her when she rationalized:
Sylvia: “Jay, you don’t even know me.”
Jason: “I want to.”
Sylvia: “Jay, I am so fucked up. I wish you wouldn’t care about me. I am a violent person. I am. I am so violent. You really need to probably realize that.”
Jason: “Sylvia, I’m crazy too.”
Then, NO LIE, she heard something popping off outside and, without warning, went into a straight-up rear-naked choke on her roommate Madison:
So yeah, Jason, she isn’t playing around with that “violent” warning.
WE HAD SEX
Listen to this clip from Vanderpump Rules and tell me who you believe comes off as the most pathetic:
Is it the girl who flew across the country to tell someone she had sex with that she had sex with them? The guy denying that he had sex with the girl he had sex with? The girlfriend of the guy denying that he had sex with the girl he had sex with jumping in? Or is it us for caring about it? Here’s the thing: It’s us for caring about it. You have to bask in that patheticness; soak it in. Let it seep into your skin and let it propel you through a listen of The Right Reasons podcast, let it lubricate your tears as you watch the DVR of Parenthood, and let it fuel the fun of your weekend. You deserve it, or maybe you don’t. Who cares?