Oh hiiiiiii! It’s your weekly frenemy, the tabloids, back to humblebrag about how hard it is to have the perfect husband, children, and job. You’ve been looking kind of tired lately! Maybe you ought to take it easy on the cocktails during holiday parties this month, especially since you’re trying to meet someone. Oh, you’re seeing somebody? Huh, that guy. Yeah I don’t know about that. Anyway, I’m sooooo busy making tiny coral wreaths for my daughter Gingerbeer’s fish-tank nativity and poaching a brie-stuffed boar sous-vide for dinner. I better go. Luv yaaaaaaa!
Lindsay Lohan’s Secret Diary: “For years, Lindsay has often been spotted writing in her diary in public.” Star “obtained a 2008 diary written by Lindsay Lohan” that proves “Heath [Ledger] was one of the notches on Lindsay’s bedpost.” Clear some mind space for this one: “Today Heath died,” she used a pink pen to write. “I’m in love with him. He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.” She was getting ready to fly to New York for a sex date when Ledger died. “He was going to meet my mom and everything.” Oh honey, don’t introduce your fuckbuddies to DINA. “When a person dies the world stops. I’m numb. There’s an emptiness. A whole [sic]. And a desire to feel loved. A need to be held in the arms of someone who understands. But what do you do when the one who understands you is gone?” Careful, Jen Lindley is gonna fight you.
Dina claims Lindsay was “dating Heath when he died.” Uh huh. Having just finished a two-month rehab stint at the time, Lohan wrote, “I’m sick. My vision is blurred and it’s like a black hole has surfaced overhead. It’s like a game of Jenga, and when one piece slips, it all falls apart. One pill, one sip and it goes down the slope, crashes and burns and it’s over.” Lindsay BUKOWSKI morelike, amirite? “Why? I ask myself over and over. Cry is all I can do. Heath is a prime example of what the industry can do to someone. It craves to see someone fail. It brings us enjoyment to watch one die. The tragedy and cravings for it can kill. And will. They have.”
Angelina’s Getting Paranoid: “She’s turned into a basket case” that “competes with kids” and “bites her nails” (o nooo) “fears about Brad” and “feels inadequate.” That seems like a real 180, unless all her badassery was just a front to cover up her vulnerability. On the surface Angie appears “cool, calm, and collected,” but she’s “edgy, nervous, quiet.” She is stressed out about her directorial debut, In the Land of Blood and Honey, a film friends consider “a bit crazy.” In response she has become “increasingly unhinged” and “suspicious of her partner, Brad Pitt” because he is “so hot.” Although she strives to be independent, “she’s totally dependent on Brad’s love and attention.” She can’t deal with parenting, preferring when Brad’s with the kids. She “screams at everyone” and “slams doors,” acting “like a child in many ways.”
Will and Jada: “Will feels like he’s living a lie for everyone else, but he knows it needs to end.” A little night music, if you will: “On the tropical island of Trinidad, music was playing, drinks were flowing, and Will Smith was having the time of his life.” He was “drinking, eating, dancing” with “a group of male friends at Drink! Wine Bar in Port of Spain” and “it was a nice little vibe.” But Jada was missing because the “marriage is over.” Will “wasn’t wearing his wedding ring” in Trinidad, and partied till 4 in the morning. A few days later he was setting tongues wagging by showing up in Art Basel in Miami with best friend Duane Martin. Jada showed up in Florida on December and posed for a photo op with Smith and David Guetta. “Rather than face their problems head-on, however, sources claim the two are avoiding each other as much as possible.” They barely speak and “when they fight, he’ll storm out and go off to spend time with guy friends, like Duane.” Will and Jada attended Heavy D’s funeral as a couple. Will played “solo golf.” Maybe it didn’t work out because of Will’s “families are like a business” philosophy. “While either Will or Jada used to pick Jaden up from school, a bodyguard now shuttles him back on forth. ‘On several occasions, the bodyguard stopped while Jaden watched other kids playing from the car window,’ says a source, revealing that once a boy recognized Jaden and came over to talk. ‘Jaden seemed happy to be given some attention.'” Willow “Whip It” Smith “has thrown herself into her fledgling music career to keep occupied.”
Pippa Middleton: “Too Close to a Married Man?” The continuing Jane Austen movie adaptation-themed American fetishizing of British upper class bullshit story of Pippa Middleton and the Married Guy. A photo of Pippa nearish a middle-aged British gentleman is captioned, “they seemed spellbound by each other.” LOL. “All eyes were on Pippa Middleton” at an “Autumn Dinner and All-Saints After-Party” at “Petersham Nurseries in Richmond, England.” In a thousand-dollar dress (barf), “the party planner” was flirting with “British venture capitalist Ben Goldsmith, 31.” At the time, Pippa was still with
fiancé boyfriend Alex Loudon. Goldsmith has been married to Kate Goldsmith for eight years. But shortly afterwards, Pippa and Loudon split, and now “Pippa and Ben are regularly calling, texting, and having dinners together. He is having marriage problems, and she is comforting him.” Supposedly Ben and his wife are “fighting a lot.” Kate Middleton, fairy princess bride, “is furious that Pippa may be pursuing a relationship with a married father of three,” but “Pippa would love to marry a Goldsmith.” A photo of Ben and Kate Goldsmith on their wedding day looks like a still from a Hugh Grant movie. “Pippa likes being naughty.” OH I BET SHE DOES. “Ben’s mother, Lady Annabel, would not approve of him ending up with Pippa.” Lady Annabel! To be played by Dame Judi Dench, of course. “There have been a lot of visits between Pippa and Ben. They have become close.”
Suri Cruise’s $100,000 Letter to Santa: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year for Hollywood’s most spoiled kid, Suri Cruise.” Of course it is. “Her No. 1 wish is a pony!” OF COURSE IT IS. “Tom has already taken great pains to locate a stable near the family’s Beverly Hills home to board Suri’s new pal.” “Suri asked for diamond earrings and beautiful dresses, like a fairy princess gown.” Tom Cruise in Tokyo promoting Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol tells the Japanese people, “I know this country has been through lots this year. But I also know the strength and courage of this country and I know you will get through it.” In this life, it’s not what you hope for, it’s not what you deserve — it’s what you take!
Ryan Gosling Does Ballet: “When he’s not taking dates to Disneyland or breaking up NYC street brawls, Ryan Gosling is hitting the dance studio!” His private dance instructor tells Star, “Ryan loves taking ballet lessons and he’s determined to get really good at it.” It’s “not for a role. He wanted to learn ballet.” Cool. “He’ll come in in basketball shorts, grab the bar, and go.” So far “his turns have improved and he’s a really good jumper!” What can’t the Gos do? Chill for like one minute, apparently.
“Mutiny at Glee“ = A great headline for a slam piece on Glee‘s backstage theatrics. “Things are really bad on set. The cast talks about how much they love [show co-creator/executive producer] Ryan Murphy, but they have grown to hate him. He has bad mood swings and can be really mean.” Harry Shum Jr. admits, “the 16-hour days are a bit rough.” A source says, “production is a mess. They’re so behind schedule.” Dianna Agron, who plays cheerleader Quinn Fabray, asked for better plot lines, and Murphy “retaliated by making her character utterly unlikable.” When lead actress Lea Michele dropped out of the cast’s 2011 summer tour (which had only four days of rehearsal), Murphy “asked her which one of her friends she wanted him to fire.” And Amber Riley, who plays Mercedes, has noticed that the “positive body-image messages” are undercut by lots of low insults “about her weight.” They also get in paid chicken feed, receiving no cut of the “show’s iTunes sales and were all denied raises for the current season.”
Britney Pressured to Wed Against Her Will: “The two-year relationship has mainly become one of convenience rather than true love, the insider reveals. The mom of two ‘has someone at her beck and call to tend to her 24/7, and Jason [Trawick], of course, gets a continual bank roll.'” Britney is his “cash cow” and he’s “desperate” to lock it down. “Jason is a gold digger. It’s obvious that’s why he’s pushing her to tie the knot.” Sigh. “If he really loved Britney, he’d give her the space and time she needs, rather than picking out rings and showing her wedding sites!” The proposal is “going to happen soon, but I hope Britney thinks long and hard before she gives in and accepts. Everyone around Britney is acting like the wedding would be her happy ending, the thing to make her happy and stable. But pushing her into a loveless marriage could end up being another huge mistake.”
Kardashians: Khloe K. says, “I’ll Do Anything For A Baby.” Khloe hates the nonstop pressure. “People keep saying, ‘Why aren’t you pregnant yet?’ That’s what scares me, when people are like, ‘Did you go to the doctor? Do you know if everything’s working?’ It’s nerve-racking. Sometimes I feel like I’m letting everyone down.” Urghhh. “Not to mention herself.” Blurghhhh. With sister Kourtney pregnant again, “Khloe can’t help but wonder when it will finally be her turn.” :( :( :( “She’s thrilled for Kourtney, but she’s really sensitive. And it’s hard to see your sister get something you want so badly.” She is undergoing in vitro. “She assumed she’d have a large family.” Lamar says, “I want to be cool and young when my kids are growing up.” Friends keep dispensing unsolicited advice. One suggested “she use egg whites as a lubricant.” She thinks the name London is great “for either a boy or a girl.” She wants a boy. “Girls are just I love them, but the teenage years freak me out. Like, oh, my God, they’re going to have sex at some point! And I would love to take a boy to Lamar’s basketball games. I just think it would be fun.” You could take your daughter, too, dummy. Star gets catty: “It obviously won’t be as easy for Lamar to answer all Khloe’s booty calls” now that the NBA lockout is over.
Kourtney is “pregnant and alone” and “no one seems to care.” Boyfriend Scott Disick has been ignoring her, and Kim and Khloe are both too jealous of her pregnancy to deal. Kim: “If you were to talk to me in high school about where I would be at 30, I’d have said I’d be a housewife with four kids.” Kim is “using Mason for photo ops” to gain back public sympathy after the divorce train wreck. “Kim shows off both her parenting skills — and her famous booty!” but “rarely helps with Mason — except when the cameras are on.” “Nephew or accessory? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.” Whoa whoa whoa. You’re telling me that a woman professionally famous for being an accessory to professional athletes treats children like accessories? Almost like it sums up everything horrible about capitalism and society in one baby-voiced booty-lady holding a baby in order to have her picture taken for a gossip magazine. Kim expressed her jealousy by “playing on Kourtney’s insecurities, making cruel jokes about how fat she’s going to get.” While most girls could “turn to the father of the baby for support,” Kourtney is stuck with Scott Disick, who is a big baby himself, “acting out — storming out of the home he shares with Kourtney and spending a lot of time on his own.” Disick is “just in it for the money!”
Kim “was expecting to spend this Christmas as a married woman.” “But their marriage was never a fake. Kim really did want to marry Kris, 26, for all the right reasons, say those around her. She wanted a partner and a family — the perfect sort of romantic dream that everyone wants.” “Kim isn’t superhuman. People seem to have this idea that because she’s on TV, she’s some sort of robot. The truth is that she’s extremely emotional and very sensitive and she is having a very hard time dealing with all this.” “Since the divorce, Kim has mostly been using her Twitter account for business purposes.” “She sent out a tweet that indicated how much she was still hurting: ‘Celebrating other peoples [sic] pain & misfortune will only bring bad things your way.'” “Kris has made Kim cry every day.” “The whole experience — from her unhappy marriage to the public backlash — has tempered Kim’s dreams. Now with two failed marriages behind her, she’s beginning to wonder if motherhood is the one goal she’ll never reach.”
Robert Pattinson: “Is He Cheating On Kristen Stewart?” Pattinson “had tongues wagging” when he “stepped out with actress Sarah Roehmer,” the “gorgeous star of The Event.” A friend of Rob’s “insists it’s not romantic.” Stewart is suspicious because “Rob rarely goes out, but when he does, Kristen is wary — not because she doesn’t trust him but because she doesn’t trust the girls!” (Us) “Rob dutifully puts on a romantic show with Kristen so as not to throw a wrench into the Twilight publicity machine” but “it’s a sham for the sake of publicity” and “Rob just wants to stay away from her” because “Kristen stresses Rob out. She’s difficult, diva-ish and demanding.” (Star) “Bearded and under a cap, Rob ducked into a waiting car — with Sarah waiting in the backseat — and put his hand on hers as they drove to Soho House in West Hollywood.” “OMG — busted!”
Ashton and Demi: They “had a close encounter of the uncomfortable kind!” Demi was having dinner in West Hollywood with a friend when Kutcher showed up with four friends. “He gave her a hug, and they spoke for a few minutes.” This polite show didn’t hide the truth that it was “very, very awkward.” Also, Ashton says the character he plays in New Year’s Eve is “a bit of a jerk.”
Randomest Couple: Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis
Rihanna: She’s “ADDICTED TO STRIPPERS” in In Touch. “Did Chris Brown turn Rihanna off from men for good? The singer has been flirting up a storm with a bevy of strippers in Las Vegas and voluptuous cocktail waitresses in NYC. Riri, 23, is a regular at the Spearmint Rhino strip club in Vegas.” Oh cool there’s one of those in Van Nuys (LOL one, there are like 20). “She always comes when she’s in town” O, na na. “She loves the ladies and getting intimate dances.” At Greenhouse nightclub in New York “she requests the same two girls and is always grabbing their boobs and butts and telling them how hot they are.”
Champagne With My Life’s Shame: Ambitious Successful Women Are Doomed to Die Alone Corner:
- “They’re young, hot and successful, but Kim Kardashian and Lady Gaga are both unsure if they’ll ever really find The One.”
- Kim K: “I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed. I think I need to not live in a fairy tale. Maybe I’m not supposed to have kids.”
- Madonna: “I wouldn’t necessarily like to use the word lover because it sounds like they just come over and have sex with you. I aspire to more than that.”
- Lady Gaga: “I have never felt truly cherished by a lover. I have an inability to know what happiness feels like with a man.”
- “Jennifer Lopez’s family and friends are fretting about her relationship with Casper Smart — her much younger, much less-accomplished new beau.” “Why J. Lo went Cougar.” “He’s young enough to be her son!” Bradley Cooper “was way too uptight.” “As far as she’s concerned, the great sex more than makes up for Casper’s lack of money.” “Casper makes her feel sexier than she has in years.”
- “There’s always a moment when some great song comes on and everyone’s like, ‘Do the runway walk!’ And you’re like ‘No’ then you begrudgingly get up and do your thing. It might be my little party trick.” — Rosie Huntington-Whitley (Us)
- “Gisele Bundchen, 31, took home the title of Best Green International Celebrity at the 2011 International Green Awards in London.”
- Alessandra Ambrosio “hoarded the lollipops at the 2011 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Viewing Party” in Costa Mesa “sponsored by Hpnotiq Harmonie.”
- A picture of Kate Moss in a fishnet dress made the fashion-police sections of both Us and Star.
Excerpts From 25 Things You Don’t Know About Joan Rivers (in Us):
- “If I weren’t in show business, I’d be an anthropologist.”
- “Age doesn’t bother me at all. But I wouldn’t want to be a day older.”
- “I love thrift stores.”
- “If I could change one thing about my appearance … too late. I’ve already done it!”
- “My last meal would be everything Italian — lasagna, noodles, cheeses, cannolis.”
- “I started plastic surgery young, when I was 31.”
- “I’d love to go on a date with Evel Knievel’s brother, Good Knievel.”
- “I have so many books around my bed, it looks like a fort.”
Daniel Craig throws shade (in Us):
- “Wind up an actor and set them off, and all they want to do is talk about themselves.”
- “I never liked Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan much.”
- “Look at the Kardashians. They’re worth millions…You see that and you think, what, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you’ll pay me millions? You can’t buy your privacy back.”
Best Pictures: J. Lo kicking a soccer ball in 6 inch heels; Justin Bieber wearing a space-military look with gold sneakers posing next to Goofy at Disney World; Tom Brady pushing his kid in a swing looking like a frond; Britney ice skating at a Houston mall on her 30th birthday.
Actual Story: BEN’S SECRET TRAMP STAMP: “Ben Affleck has a dolphin tattoo on his hip” He got the ink “right after 1997’s Good Will Hunting to hide a tat of his high school love’s name.” The tattoo artist says, “He chose that tribal dolphin because it was easy to cover the writing. There was no real significance.”
Inane Sentence Fragments: Jessica Simpson on her spawn: “I love it so much, and I haven’t even met it yet!” “It was the weirdest and most amazing thing I’ve ever felt.” Joan Rivers has been to “dude ranches, swimming with sharks, an bungee jumping” with her grandson. Malin Ackerman: “Running actually makes me angry.” Scarlett Johansson: “Relationships are complicated.” Adele: “It’s so hard for me to share my feelings.” (O RLY, ADELE?) “Fergie’s Fierce Feathers!” Tom Cruise on the Taj Mahal: “Stunning!” Now somebody make Tom Cruise get down off the Taj Mahal. “Angelina Won’t Eat” “Just one day after being accused of kidnapping 5-year-old son Zander from her father’s Florida home, singer Mindy McCready, 36, announced on November 30 that she is pregnant with twins.” “Jennifer Aniston drinking vodka on the rocks.” “Prince Harry bumping into ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davy at the Brompton Club in London” “LeAnn Rimes and husband Eddie Cibrian sharing a plate of meatballs at Lavo” “Tilda Swinton getting her nails designed.” “She freaks if I don’t give her my lip gloss” admits “the aspiring cosmetologist” of her 2-year old daughter. “Dave Matthews and a pal make The Dreaming Tree wines.” “David Cross proposed with her birthstone, a $55,000, 4-carat, emerald ring.” Charlize Theron: “I went to art school.” (with Lil Wayne?)
Best Pictures: Snoop Dogg with Rico, the scary New Zealand Air puppet mascot; Marie Osmond’s “hardly recognizable” new face; A sexy lady named “Bleona” in a minidress; a bedazzled jar of Vaseline; Snooki with a child dressed as Snooki; Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek tossing a giant golden egg back and forth.
Actual Story: “Brooke’s Secret To Keeping Love Alive: Sex It Up!”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “Drew is back on meat.” (Drew Barrymore gives up 10 years of vegetarianism for new boyfriend Will Kopelman.) “She wanted fame so badly, she’d do whatever it took, including the casting couch.” Ashlee Simpson is “a terrible tipper.” “The dog had been eating the tinsel on their Christmas tree.” “Miley: Girl Gone Wild.” On her 19th birthday she downed “drink after drink” doing “tequila shots and buying cocktails for strangers.” “The coolest restaurants are often the most unassuming.” “Just in time for that fab holiday party.” “Laser-cut cheetah.” “Which houses a saxophone.” Bradley Cooper is dating Melanie Laurent but remains “bitter” that J. Lo ditched him for a dancer. “It was obvious that she and Cory are more than just friends.” Patti Stanger: “I’m not buying what they’re selling here.” “ALL FOR SHOW.” “Gorgeous and glowing, fresh off jetting around the globe with her new boyfriend.” “Marc’s pride has been seriously dented.” “Jeweled pendant from a local bazaar.” “Mary engages in illegal drug use.” “Make yourself the present.” “Located in Williamsburg, arguably the hippest part of NYC’s hippest borough.” “Fred gets so comfortable with Janet that he starts telling her about all the women he’s actually killed.” “Nipple Stays Clean.” “I’m going to be 98 pounds again and everyone can suck it!” Zooey Deschanel: “My Internet is not working and it feels like olden times.”
Best Pictures: Tina Fey filming 30 Rock in male drag with a pompadour; Sandra Bullock’s 2-year-old son Louis looks perpetually unimpressed.
Actual Story: “Dating George Makes Stacy Rich.”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “Ew! It’s ABC gum!” “It’s too bad for her that Jason, 42, is married with children!” “The nerdiest instrument ever —. the recorder.” “She’s still got the best booty!” “Love swimming with my shaved head!” “Justin Timberfake?” Isla Fisher: “When you have a child, it’s like you have a second heart that exists outside your body.” “Leah loves ‘mudding’ or driving around dirt roads in a friend’s Jeep while stripping down.” “After meeting pipelayer Jeremy…” “Leah loves her boyfriend and her daughters, but she misses the carefree life she used to have.” “K-FED COLLAPSES!” (a poem by Frank O’Hara) “Jen spices it up for Justin” claims Jennifer Aniston “dropped more than $22,000 on sexy lingerie, including corsets, fishnets and leather bras at Agent Provocateur.” “Jen would usually wear an old t-shirt and boxer shorts to bed.” “Not usually one for sexy lingerie, the pal explains that Jen decided to try it out — and it’s working!” “Even though she has a body that most women would die for, Jen doesn’t often flaunt it, even in private” Really? Cause I’ve got some receipts. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey’s favorite holiday party game is Taboo. “Mariah and I are the best. We say one word and we know the answer. We don’t even have to give each other clues.”
Best Pictures: Eva Herzigova with crazy eyes; Ben Affleck wears a Muhammad Ali shirt with a jacket covering it so it reads “Hamm Ali” — a coded message to his The Town co-star Jon Hamm that the handsomeness contest is not over yet?
Actual Story: “Dressin’ Up My Bump”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “Three words: a-maze-balls.” Fake TOMS shoes made by Sketchers called Lil’ BOBS. “Who’s That Director?” (It’s Madonna.) “I think she really digs the beard.” “Ben And Jen Cuddle In Public.” “On those rare occasions when Jennifer Garner and husband Ben Affleck are seen together out in public, they’re usually the most discreet of celeb spouses. Physical contact, and even affectionate smiles, are kept to a minimum. But they just couldn’t control themselves on a trip to the Santa Monica Post Office.” “It’s so fun being a star!” Russell Brand on Ellen squashing rumors about his marriage: “In the end, you have to just not engage with Internet technology — which is difficult, because a lot of the nude women websites I quite enjoy. But yeah I really am happily married.” “That look doesn’t quite work, mom.” “Listening to music, a serene Brooke Charvet took a jog around Malibu with one of her German shepherds.” “… recently declared that, at 40, she’s opting out of the baby-making business.” “If you’ve been married, at least wait till the ink dries.” “She’s my miracle dog.” “Bad news from work puts Molly in a mood that threatens to ruin Christmas.” The city of Lansing, Michigan will never be the same after the Island of Dreams pageant ordeal.” “His son, Bobber…” Robin Thicke: “She’s the love of my life and my best friend, and it’s an honor for her to be in a movie with Tom Cruise. He is the greatest of all time. Sometimes her nude scenes make me uncomfortable. If I’m not jealous, then I don’t love her anymore.” Oh my god, Robin Thicke stop talking. “My son dances like James Brown and looks like a male Marilyn Monroe. One child is enough. Maybe we’ll adopt, but we’re very happy with our sex life, so I don’t know if another one is going to ruin that.” SERIOUSLY, STOP TALKING. “Should families boycott the circus?” “Scott was particularly turned on by Kourtney’s ritual of slathering oils and lotions over her olive-skinned form.” “This baby kept Sandra from falling apart.” “Stars love pampering” “If I have to go to jail so be it.” “Butt Bra BOOTYSOME!”