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Lindsay Lohan’s $46,350 Eviction, and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Lindsay Lohan

Us Weekly

Lindsay Lohan Banned From Chateau Marmont: What did it take to get the infamous party girl finally blacklisted from her favorite haunt, a place famous for putting up with partying? A ridiculous unpaid bill for $46,350 from a “47-day stay in June and July (she racked up $686 on cigarettes alone!)” during the filming of Liz & Dick. Lohan claims that she “thought her movie’s producers were paying.” Of course she did.

Beyoncé Is America’s Hottest Mom: Oh, you didn’t know it was a contest? Well if it’s a contest, obviously Beyoncé has already won. “She’s revealing a more relaxed side, with flats and midheels,” says stylist Raquel Smith. “She’s doing more baggy printed pants, loose tees and blazers.” I kind of hate her recent look, actually, but she’s earned a break, considering Matthew Knowles used to make a teenage Beyoncé and the rest of Destiny’s Child practice dancing in heels for six hours a day. “Her goal is to show people you can be a mother and be sexy.” She made her point at the Met Ball, when “you hadn’t seen her in a while, she had this kid, then she came in and shut it down!” Happy 31st birthday, Beyoncé! When I tried to Google “is Beyoncé a Virgo?” one of the related searches was “can you be Beyoncé?” Of course you can’t!

Things You Don’t Know About Michelle Obama (Excerpts): 

  • “My nickname growing up was Meesh.”
  • “Sometimes I let our Portuguese water dog, Bo, sleep in our bed when Barack is gone.”
  • “My favorite toys growing up were my collection of Barbie dolls.”
  • “I skipped the second grade.”
  • The Dick Van Dyke Show and The Cosby Show were my favorite TV shows when I was little.”
  • “The first thing I do when I sit down for a meeting is kick off my shoes. Who wants to wear heels all day?!”

Liam Neeson on Wolf Stew: “It was very gamy.”

Taylor Swift: “I know general things about love … what you deserve and when to walk away. Other than that, love is a complete mystery.” Like, the most complete mystery EVERRRRRRRRR.

Emma Watson’s Pixie Cut: “Boys around me were like, ‘Why did you do that? That’s such an error.’ And I was like, ‘Well, honestly, I don’t really care what you think!'” She also professes to be “literally obsessed with Lena Dunham.”

Lena Dunham & Jack Antonoff: “Hipster hookup! Girls creator Lena Dunham has been seeing Jack Antonoff, guitarist of the indie rock band Fun.” I hate typing Fun. so much. Quirky capitalization OR a period. “They’re trying to keep it a secret,” although Dunham has so far very publicly been an open book about her love life and “string of multiple gay ex-boyfriends.” They collaborated on a video for The New Yorker and Lena “has asked to use Fun. songs on Girls.” Dunham is already good friends with her beau’s sister, fashion designer Rachel Antonoff. Although they are both impossibly busy, “they have a good time when they can together!” One ONTD commenter called them “the hipster Chavril” (Chad and Avril). Antonoff was Scarlett Johansson’s high school sweetheart, a fact I remember from some ancient issue of Teen People that apparently still takes up valuable permanent space in my head. Why is the celebrity dating pool so small and incestuous that everyone shares and recycles exes? This goes to show that life is just more high school, and Hollywood is an extremist microcosm of life.

John Mayer & Katy Perry: Despite widespread reports of a split, they were spotted at L.A.’s FYF Fest watching M83. “They seemed back together. She kept turning and whispering in his ear and kissing him.” An eyewitness says they “were all over each other. He was grabbing her from behind.” What prompted Mayer’s change of heart? Katy’s promise that they would keep “the relationship casual.” Oh, got it. “She told him she just wants to have fun.” I see you, Katy Perry. I see you.

Julianne Moore on Aging: “If you sit through the year wishing you were younger, before you know it, it’s going to be over.”

Emma Stone on Her First Breakup: “I was crawling on the floor. I remember throwing up. I have never felt anything quite like that. It was awful.”

Kirsten Dunst Loves The Bachelor“It’s ridiculous, but it’s just, like, some of the best television, the fact that everyone’s so concerned about this rose.”

LeAnn Rimes: Rimes checked into treatment at a mental health care facility for anxiety related to her marriage to Eddie Cibrian. “At the root of Rimes’ distress is an all-consuming obsession with Cibrian’s wandering eye that has been fueled by cyber-bullying.” Since Rimes got together with Cibrian while they were both married to other people, she’s worried he’ll dump her for somebody new. “LeAnn has had major insecurity issues since she first got together with Eddie.” Hence her yo-yo dieting and constant grabs for public attention. “She’s afraid Eddie will always be a cheater.” To compensate she’s become “addicted to exercise,” feeling pressure to remain extremely thin. Plus “LeAnn has a lot of anguish over how her career turned out and feels she should be as big as Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood.”

Misc/Etc: “Black and blue beauties!” “Hypnotic hotties!” “a dank South African prison” “pierced her nipples” “tripping on set” “A lot of women use pregnancy as an excuse to let their bodies go” “You’re horrible, go get mental help” “I always have snacks” “told her to get a nose job” “attraction to bad guys” “saw the polar bears and giraffes” “discovered in the parking lot of a Rolling Stones concert at 17” “NY VACAY” “the off-Broadway play Cock” “there’s no expiration date on looking hot!” “Dust off the Daisy Dukes!” ” a station wagon person, not a race car person” “He’s hardly a monk” “That butt!” “He’s punk!”

Star

Leonardo DiCaprio’s Waning Sex Drive: “Ultimate ladies’ man Leonardo DiCaprio plays hard and works hard — so hard that it’s starting to affect his sexual prowess.” While the 37 year old actor is still in high demand, “he’s also suffering from insomnia, low sex drive, and thinning hair.” His 23-year-old model girlfriend Erin Heatherton has “been taking his lack of libido personally,” as any Victoria’s Secret angel worth her rhinestoned panties probably would. This whole article is such shade on Leo. I’m surprised they didn’t suggest he take up with someone closer to his own age and status, like Kate Winslet.

Prince Harry’s Sex Tape: “Good luck to the royals, as they try to make sure that what happened in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Insiders claim that Harry’s party at the Wynn hotel involved not only “strip billiards” but “a drug dealer and a prostitute.” And somebody made a sex tape, although probably not of the ginger prince. “One of the girls I saw is known to accept money and gifts in exchange for sex. People were snorting cocaine and flying on hallucinogenic mushrooms and some were high on marijuana.” WHAT? IN LAS VEGAS? “A friend of mine is a cocaine dealer who bragged to me about being at the party while it was going on.” Uh huh, your “friend,” sure. “There is definitely an illicit tape.”

Nicolas Cage & Vanessa Hudgens: “The High School Musical actress had heard about Nicolas Cage’s reputation for freaking out younger costars. But she had no idea just how much he would make her squirm until the 23-year-old bombshell played a stripper opposite Nic, 48.” Did he try to take her face … off? “Nicolas unnerved the starlet so much that she begged directors to banish him from the set. He constantly watched her and even showed up on days when he wasn’t filming to see her. Vanessa finally asked the directors to intervene and keep him away because she couldn’t concentrate on her performance.” I sort of believe this story. Nicolas Cage for High School Musical 4!

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: “TOMSHELL!” All the juice from the Vanity Fair cover story on Tom and Katie’s arranged marriage. Tom’s first choice was actually Nazanin Boniadi, an Iranian-born actress who was eventually flown to New York for a fairy-tale date with Tom at legendary sushi hotspot Nobu, followed by ice-skating at Rockefeller Center. He later recreated the date exactly with Katie Holmes. Apparently Cruise sticks to one clearly laid-out romantic script. Tom, 50, reportedly fell hard for Nazanin but quickly lost interest because she wasn’t affectionate enough.” Apparently “his public displays overwhelmed her.” Cruise should date Taylor Swift. When 32-year-old Nazanin “later broke her confidentiality agreement, her punishment ‘was to scrub toilets with a toothbrush, clean bathroom tiles with acid and dig ditches in the middel of the night.” Katie actually called Tom to confront him over the story. “He denied everything, of course, but the whole thing has left her feeling used. It’s made her even happier that she’s away from that whole bizarre scene.” Oh please, like Holmes didn’t know what she was getting into. The Master is in theaters September 14!

Aaron Sorkin & Kristin Davis: “She pushed him away. Kristin has been single for a long time and is extremely independent, so she has a hard time making the sort of compromises that are required in a serious relationship.” Yes, and I’m sure Aaron Sorkin is just the world’s most supportive and pliable partner. Davis is “devastated over her split,” but her “trust issues — coupled with her insecurities — have made her very defensive and cynical.” Aaron is a great guy, but he just couldn’t break down her walls. Kristin would start silly fights as a way to test him, and Aaron couldn’t deal with all the drama.” Did Sorkin draft this? Don’t worry, Patti Stanger has (horrible) thoughts: “Kristin has too much masculine energy. Any man, let alone a successful alpha male like Aaron, will bolt when a woman is too independent and won’t let him lead. Kristin needs to rediscover her feminine side, so the right man will not only date her but marry her.” Or maybe we need to blow up the universe and start from scratch?

Gordon Ramsay: “When I talk to young chefs today and they say they want to be on TV, I say ‘Do me a favor? Piss off. Don’t come in here to get famous. I’m a real chef before I’m a TV chef.” He also hates Jay Leno. “You go on something like Leno and he doesn’t take you seriously. It’s a kick in the balls. I felt like sticking a Pot Noodle up Leno’s backside.” I’m sure Conan O’Brien would give you a push.

Angelina Jolie & Jennifer Aniston: Jolie supposedly said “Please! She’s pathetic! But hey, it’s about time. Sure hope it lasts, but don’t get your hopes up. Justin’s going to dump Jen,” according to inside sources from who knows where, because there’s no way this is a real quote. Angie “made some other snide comments about how she’d believe it when saw it — in regards to Jen’s wedding — making it clear that she thinks Jen is a pathetic, neurotic mess.” Jen’s “anxieties have only been amplified after a string of lovers, including former hubby Brad Pitt, actor Vince Vaughn, and singer John Mayer all cheated on her.” Plus the fact that Theroux left longtime girlfriend Heidi Bivens for Aniston doesn’t bode well. “He’s someone who seemingly walked out on someone else after a long period of time. If Jennifer is looking for someone to be faithful to her, that’s a potential red flag. She’s putting on a brave face, but of course she has concerns about whether Justin is capable of being faithful.”

Enrique Iglesias: “Enrique Iglesias’s second hair transplant has failed, Star has learned exclusively, and he’s devastated.”

Taylor Swift & Maria Shriver’s Kennedy Family War: “Maria’s disgusted by how fast and strong Taylor’s coming on. She’s concerned that Taylor is going to embarrass the whole family and ultimately break Conor’s heart.” Shriver may have steered Swift away from her son Patrick Schwarzenegger, at which point she “set her sights on Conor.” T-Swift 1000 always wins.

Misc/Etc: “Pastel hair is passé” “hopped aboard a water taxi” “Gary Oldman gave us a window into his smushy side” “rumor is Rumer likes rhubarb” “White sneakers are too squeaky-clean” “Doing her best geriatric troll impression” “texting while driving” “searching for a hot cougar script” “a druggie temptress” “HEY CHROME DOME!” “He started yelling, telling her she was a bitch who isn’t even famous” “make him go to parenting classes so he can learn how to be a good father” “Friends call it a revenge romance” “So long, man cave!” “Katy knows that becoming pregnant could ruin her career” “second-guessing his decision to move forward with the relationship” “The baby-making shop is closed” “starting the most glorious chapter of her life!” “a 19th century boutique hotel owned by filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola” “Jessica Simpson is praying for a miracle to make her appear thin on TV”

InTouch

Eva Longoria & Mark Sanchez: Who has the most terrible taste in men, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, or Kim Kardashian? Longoria takes the lead. The 37-year-old Desperate Housewives star hung at Nobu and in New Jersey with Sanchez, 25. “Eva was in a revealing, black lacy number and sky-high heels.” This won’t end well, Eva! Stop dating pro athletes! I hear Tom Cruise is single!

Hollywood Goes BRONDE! “A mix between brunette and blonde, bronde is the hot new hair color.”

Misc/Etc: “Suffering from smushed-boob syndrome” “Now I’m killing it with egg whites!!!! #YUM” “I love nursing my little man!” “has a taste for pop stars” “with two other touchy-feely couples” “Being a diva runs in the family!” “taking after her famously fiery mom” “She’s financially and emotionally drained” “She sings out of pure joy and pleasure” “sleep in her princess dress” “mesmerizing peepers” “spoon while standing” “I’m not afraid of sweatpants!” “SHE has a 1-year-old?” “plenty of sexy supporters” “both shocking and deeply hurtful” “She is a fierce mom” “They won Prom King and Queen” “She’s very depressed” “She is hell-bent on being the sexiest she can be” “in front of a mini mall in a three-piece suit” “the 27-year-old divorcée” “petite penguins”  

 

OK!

Kanye West & Kim Kardashian: “She’s already worth a cool $38 million, but Kim Kardashian has told boyfriend Kanye West she will not be tying the knot with him until she’s valued at $50 million or more.” Kim is the ultimate capitalist. “Kanye’s worth nearly $100 million so it will be a point of pride for her to go into the marriage with her own chunk of cash. Kanye knows she’s not after his money, but she’s making a thing out of this — it’s as though she’s in financial competition with him, and that’s not a good foundation for a marriage.” How will Kim build her brand? She has a makeup collection on the way and she’s expanding her swimwear line into Europe, copying the blueprint of Jessica Simpson’s billion-dollar brand. “She also wants to tackle show business and has been schmoozing producer Harvey Weinstein for roles in upcoming movies.” We all know what that means. Kim is a future Oscar winner! “Kim already has several sponsorship deals but she wants more, more, more!” Kanye is probably into it, since he loves being a power couple so much, but “worries about Kim’s competitive nature.” Good thing Kim isn’t worried about how he replaced her entire closet with new clothes like an insane control freak.

Russell Brand & Ginger Spice: “Geri has said they have a spiritual connection through yoga and they practice asana together. It is something that has acted as a bond as their relationship blossoms.” He has already been seen out with a different girl he is “romancing.” Russell Brand is trying to get his ass kicked.

Frances Fisher: “August and Batman are two sides of myself; sometimes needy, like August, and then totally self-sufficient, like Batman.” (She is talking about her dogs.)

Robert Pattinson’s Music Career: “Rob’s career handlers are hoping to capitalize on his new single status by pushing his music career, too. They are figuring out how to develop that side of him — the way Elvis Presley did.” They are hoping to push him into a series of mediocre musicals and get him addicted to pills until he bloats to a huge size and dies? Is his manager Colonel Tom Parker?

P!nk: “I was a hard-core partier from age 12 to 15. I was on all the club drugs, selling Ecstasy, crystal meth and Special K. I overdosed in ’95 and then I never took drugs again — ever.” TWELVE TO 15.

Misc/Etc: “It’s Ashley’s time.” “He’s always refused special treatment” “She feels alone and abandoned.” “Girly from head to toe” “an acerbic dance teacher” “looked like a woman who loves her job” “We’re best friends and we want American girls to want to be mates with us!” “is nothing if not charismatic” “Her romance with Ellen DeGeneres seems so long ago” “flipped through car magazines” “Bringing babies to fancy restaurants” “I think dogs are the incarnation of God in its purest form” “Miley plays Missi” “operated under the pen name” “marrying tech headhunter” “The Duke has landed!” “Her mouth has become become infected and the pain is making her so sick that she can’t sleep” “usual raunchy interview style” “leather makes you look like a rock star” “Remember your childhood” “The sexy secretary is still in” “I feel like I need a chastity belt!” “my next tattoo, inside my dragon”