There used to be a time when I would get e-mails from five to seven people whenever then-Senator Obama made a great speech or did something that helped his charge toward the presidency. I would receive these emails because, in 2007, I was known for being obsessed with Obama. This was a great period in my life, when I was recognized for loving something so positive and important.
Fast-forward five years and pretty much the opposite scenario has taken place. Yesterday, word spread like wildfire among degenerate circles that rapper/author/mogul/online historical figure Lil B the Based God was set to give a lecture at NYU on April 11. I didn’t have time to stumble upon this information on my own, because after one long, cell-service-less subway ride, I emerged to the street level to see several texts, Gchats, e-mails, tweets, a voice mail and a Facebook wall post alerting me to this news. So, just to make sure you’re clear about the parallel I’m attempting to make, after aging five years I’ve “evolved” from the Barack Obama Guy to the Lil B the Based God Guy. Good grief, that excites me.
After confirming this news as an actual, NYU-sanctioned event, I did what anyone who once spent three straight months listening to Lil B would do: I bought as many tickets as I could. (Two.) Before clicking “purchase,” my eyes wandered to the event tagline at the bottom of the page, which assured me that the $13 I was about to subtract from my debit card was going toward potentially the experience of a lifetime.
“Cultural icon Lil B will treat NYU to a very rare speaking engagement.”
Yes, New York University approved this tagline. They must have a mole on the inside. A Based mole.
Unfortunately for those of you not tipped off 11 times about this event, in one short evening the rare speaking engagement sold out. While this is sad news, I plan on doing everything in my power to report this event at a near-Pulitzer level. And assuming, post-lecture, that there will be a Q&A session, do understand that I will attempt to ask all of the important questions that the world has been dying to know. A few:
- Lil B, in the song “S*** My D*** H*” you refer to women being very into you because you look like Matlock. When did the resemblance become so apparent to you?
- Lil B, in the song “Pretty Boy” you croon the line “H*** on my d*** ’cause I look like Jesus, b**** I won a million, shouts out to Regis.” Did Mr. Philbin ever say thank-you for this name drop?
- Lil B, in the song “Justin Bieber” you chose a chorus with the lyrics, “Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin.” What I’m curious about, Based God, is why not go with “Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber,” or name the song “Bieber Justin”?
- Lil B, in 2011 you released a 676-song mixtape. While there are the obvious standout tracks (no. 2, no. 194, no. 195, no. 488, no. 511, and no. 655), looking back, do you regret making tracks no. 202, no. 582, and (of course) no. 676?
Let the games for my second ticket begin! Since this event is taking place at a university, consider the Lil B lecture a seminar class, meaning there are prerequisites.
Prerequisites: a 500-word essay on the history of “ambient rap,” documentation that you have also recorded a 676-song mixtape, and a side-by-side-by-side comparison of “Blue Flame,” “Red Flame,” and “White Flame.”
Let’s do this.