Beguiled by teasers for Michael Bay’s The Last Ship during the NBA playoffs, we asked the staff, “Uh, what is Michael Bay’s The Last Ship about?” These are their totally uninformed lightning-round responses, unaided by the correct-answer powers of the Internet.
Bill Barnwell: His reboot of the Noah franchise.
Molly Lambert: Hopefully it’s a code name for Pain & Gain 2.
Robert Mays: Premise is a lot like Waterworld, but with way more eye patches. The titular ship is actually 40 cherry-red cigarette boats tied together.
Dan Fierman: The weekly freighter of cocaine he gets from Puerto Vallarta. (The captain is retiring. He’s being replaced by Steve Buscemi. It’s in Subsection 17 of his Armaggedon contract.)
Mark Lisanti: It’s a spinoff about the boat that follows the Black Sails pirate ship around, dispensing syphilis medication and grapefruits. Pretty confident about this.
Emily Yoshida: ENDGAME.
Sean Fennessey: This is just a regular ship — maybe an 18-footer, not quite a schooner, but no dinghy — that Bay erroneously believes will be the last vessel floating when the robots come. (He’s wrong about this.)
Bill Simmons: The apocalypse just happened and everything got wiped out except for one ship that’s in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Gradually, everyone on the ship realizes they are the only ones left, and a Lord of the Flies situation breaks out as some ill-intentioned people end up gaining control of the ship, and, by proxy, the world itself. Only one man can stop them — the head chef of the ship, Mr. Steven Seagal. By the way, I would totally watch this show.
Rembert Browne: A Michael Bay joint about the 2015 MTV Movie Awards, in which he is the host, all-time presenter, performer, winner of every award (including Lifetime Achievement Award), and sole audience member. At the end, he is slimed.
Alex Pappademas: McSteamy looks like a TV weatherman in this. Must be all the clean livin’.
The Correct Answer:
Their mission is simple:
Find a cure. Stop the virus.
Save the world.
When a global pandemic wipes out 80 percent of the planet’s population, the crew of a lone naval destroyer must find a way to pull humanity from the brink of extinction.