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Let’s Check In on the Cast of Entourage to See Who’s Being a Crazy Racist Misogynist on Facebook

Kevin ConnollyDo you ever wonder what the cast of Entourage is up to now? I know I do, every day of my life. Here’s how I picture it:

Adrian Grenier (Vince) watches Teenage Paparazzo on Blu-ray on a flat-screen the size of the world’s biggest pizza and marvels at how presciently it doused our current cultural maladies. “I am a great director,” he mutters aloud, perhaps to the Estonian models strewn around the waterbed sofas, possibly to no one at all.

Kevin Dillon (Johnny Drama) works on his deal to turn Viking Quest into a direct-to-web series, pitching it as “House of Cards meets Game of Thrones” to three bags of cocaine, who immediately buy it. Johnny Drama’s Wikipedia entry is a great logic puzzle that tries to figure out how exactly he is related to Vincent Chase (either half-brothers, cousins, or more distantly), his ethnicity (Irish, Chilean, possibly Japanese), and how old he is (at least 9 years older than Vince).

Jerry Ferrara (Turtle) sheds a single tear when he learns that ex-girlfriend Jamie-Lynn Sigler (Meadow Soprano) is pregnant with her minor league baseball player boyfriend Cutter Dykstra’s child. He finds an old pic of Katie Cassidy on his phone and smiles wistfully, still counting his blessings that the premium cable lords made it possible for him to get tang so far out of his league.

Jeremy Piven (Ari Gold) wears a new Tom Ford suit and sunglasses as he sits alone in a dark luxury hotel suite with the blackout shades drawn tightly shut, eating a yellowtail hand roll.

Kevin Connolly (Eric, a.k.a. “E”) wonders why Leonardo DiCaprio only occasionally returns his texts, and always in emojis. Didn’t that Pussy Posse initiation ritual mean anything? Or was he just another once-young plaything for Leo to toss aside whenever he got bored or ran into somebody taller and more Oscar-nominated to trawl for puss with? I don’t need him, Connolly thinks as he logs into his Twitter account. I can pull my own tail, no thanks to Romeo. He falls right into a blossoming e-romance with vlogger Katie Nolan, who then professes to have had a long-running crush on Connolly because she likes short guys. Connolly is so incensed by Nolan’s claims that he is short and/or that she likes him that he takes to her Facebook page to call her ugly and be a racist prick to one of her fans. (If you really want to turn off a short guy, remind him that he’s short.) Kevin sighs in relief at the thought that his multi-cam CBS pilot Friends With Better Lives, where he co-stars as a gynecologist alongside James Van Der Beek, is sure to get picked up, and he’ll be working nonstop soon. Then, he is confident, it won’t hurt so badly anymore. He turns back to his research for his part as a gyno, closing the Twitter window and opening up Wikipedia, lighting up an e-cig. “I am Skene’s Boulevard.