Oh, look, what have we here? Just another wackadoo Artpop promotion from the as-of-late particularly wackadoo Lady Gaga, right? Getting naked for Marina Abramovic and doing a Thanksgiving special with the Muppets seems of a piece with commissioning a silicone sex doll of yourself, right? Everything just goes into the high-lowbrow, sexual-but-not-sexy kitchen sink that is the Artpop journey, right?
Oh, how you all underestimate Lady Gaga. Much like Jeff Bezos and his army of stuff-drones, this weekend Stefani Germanotta revolutionized product delivery. You see, the Gagadoll, as manufactured by love-doll industry leader Orient Industry, is not just a life-size replica of everyone’s favorite art bitch with, as most outlets have only coyly hinted at, anatomically (not urban legendarily) correct orifices. It is also a way, alongside iTunes, Spotify, and physical CD, to experience Artpop.
“The mannequins may be stuck with poker faces, but you can listen to Gaga’s songs and secret messages by pressing your ear to their chest thanks to the implanted bone conduction technology,” reports the Japan Times. You guys, now is maybe not the time to confuse the issue with a “poker face” joke, or a bone conduction joke for that matter. Still, if money isn’t an issue and I have a choice between jamming to “G.U.Y.” on the sickest new Beats or through the squishy décolletage of a brand-new Gagadoll, I’m going for the latter for the pure experience. When you hear a great album (and make no mistake, Artpop is a great album), don’t you want to curl up with your head on the chest of the person who made it? Yes? No? Yes. One possible downside: You can only listen out of one ear at a time, but I guess that’s a good reason to get two Gagadolls.
I, for one, can’t wait for more artists to jump on this trend. It’s somewhere in between the $200 special-edition box set and the Coachella hologram — it costs a lot of money and makes you feel weird, but it’s a weirdness you own, you stan of stans, a weirdness you keep in a chest in your living room for your darkest hours. It’s counterprogramming to the ever-more-ephemeral digital download era; instead of getting a new album via an invisible file on a computer somewhere, how about getting it on a life-size fake person that you can also have sex with? R. Kelly seems like the perfect candidate for Kellsdoll treatment, it’s definitely on-brand in terms of weird sexiness, and it would be right on time with Black Panties dropping (never stops being funny) on December 10. I mean, Gagadoll’s going to need some company. Who would make a better partner for mashing rubbery faces and singing sweet, postcoital melodies into each other’s chest cavities?