Kim Kardashian Adjusts to Pregnancy: “Kim is well aware that she’s famous for her amazing body and had no idea that pregnancy would change it so much.” She probably thought she’d have a cute lil’ pregnant belly, like her petite sister Kourtney did during her pregnancies. Kim has been “looking at old pictures of herself on her computer and phone for literally hours at a time, pining for her prepregnancy body. She is seriously melting down!” She’s been posting even more photos of her old bod than usual for “Throwback Thursday” on her Instagram. A “celebrity weight coach and body expert” named Alicia Hunter says that Kim “looks like she’s put on an insane amount of weight in such a short amount of time.” She estimates that Kim has gained close to 70 pounds, instead of the 25-35 lbs. recommended. Kim knew that she would get bigger, but “she never expected such a drastic transformation so early on.” Secretly she’s “desperate to stop gaining so much weight” and it’s making her depressed. “She cries every other day, and she’s scared to see how big she’ll get.” While Kim is “grossed-out by her body, she’s become obsessed with food.” Her cravings take her to Pinkberry nearly every day. “She thinks it’s healthy, but it’s full of sugar.” But, yogurt! “She’s been waking up in the middle of the night and binge eating.” Her “worst nightmare is turning out like Jessica Simpson.” Rich as hell? “To make matter worse, Kim’s most heralded attribute, her shapely derriere, has morphed into a sagging, dimply blob. Because she’s pregnant, she had to stop getting silicone butt injections, which kept it looking tight and toned.” She had a “Colombian doctor” in Miami do the non-FDA approved ass shots. “She’s called her sisters crying because she thinks her butt looks like a big hunk of cheese. The minute she has her baby, she will start getting the injections again. It’s dangerous, but she doesn’t care.” Kim keeps trying to disguise her new shape, but insists on wearing her usual bodycon clothes because Kanye wants her to. She wears Spanx at all times except in the shower. “Kim is scared she won’t be able to make a dime off her body after this.” She hates her stretch marks and the fact that she can no longer control what she looks like. “The sad thing for Kim is that after having the baby, she most likely won’t get her old body back.” Kanye is doing his part to ruin her self-esteem by being grossed out by her pregnancy body. “She feels disgusting” and is “scared he will cheat.” Ugh. “As much as Kim wanted to get pregnant, she’s now terrified that the baby will ultimately leave her without a career and a boyfriend.” Well, if the child turns out to be a girl, Kim can start training her right away to be the next Kim Kardashian, just like Kris Jenner did to her!
Jennifer Lawrence Parties Hard: She’s been celebrating her Oscar win in Hawaii before shooting the next sequel to The Hunger Games. “Jennifer was partying it up with one of her friends, smoking weed and drinking wine and dancing around like crazy. You could smell the weed wafting out from her room.” SOUNDS LIKE A FUN TIME TO ME, JEN. “Jennifer got hot and heavy with a mysterious dark-haired female friend, fueling rumors that the Kentucky-born beauty might be gay! They were holding hands and very touchy-feely.” Maybe she’s bi! Or was just stoned and lovey-dovey! Who gives a fuck! Later at the hotel bar Jen was “pretty drunk and loud. She was hardly wearing any makeup, but she still looked really gorgeous. The guys were all trying to hit on them, but it was a no-go.” Can we force Jennifer to be friends with Taylor Swift, so that some of her coolness/potential bi-curiousness might rub off on Swifty? Lawrence did tequila shots with costar Jeffrey Wright, and then went to a strip club called Club Femme Nu with her female friend “but they both looked kind of uncomfortable and bounced after about five minutes.” That’s because strip clubs are super depressing. Not because of the strippers (I luv dem strippers); it’s the clientele.
Taylor Swift & Ed Sheeran: “Talk about a swift move! After multiple failed relationships with some of Hollywood’s most notorious bad boys, Taylor Swift, 23, may have finally found herself a nice guy!” And he’s a ginger! Ed Sheeran, who she co-wrote songs on Red with, was hanging out in Tay’s hotel room after the Brit Awards in London. “After Taylor’s failed attempt to catch the attention of her ex Harry Styles, Ed was the one who comforted her.” Which is interesting, because Sheeran is the one who originally introduced her to Styles. “He went to Taylor’s hotel room to cheer her up, but Ed was the real winner, because he stayed the night.” You know what that means. Lavender lemonade till the sun comes up!
Kristen Stewart on the Prowl? She was seen hitting on 19-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger at Taylor Lautner’s birthday party. Schwarzenegger was rumored to be dating Taylor Swift before it was revealed that she was actually going out with his friend Conor Kennedy. Schwarzenegger has been spotted all over town with Taylor Lautner recently. Kristen “was creeping on Patrick big time.” They’ve hung out since the party, getting lunch and going on “a romantic hike at sunset.” Since Robert Pattinson has been filming in Australia with no sign of Kristen visiting the set, the Twilight couple are rumored to have finally split up. Kristen “wants to drive Rob crazy. She wants him to come crawling back and beg her for another chance.” Good luck with that, K-Stew. Patrick may be just a friend, but he’s “outgoing and upbeat,” in contrast to the “introverted and glum” Pattinson. I guess nothing lasts forever; not even vampire love.
What Is Britney’s Ring Tone? “99 Problems” by Jay-Z. Perhaps you expected “It’s Britney, Bitch”?
Misc/Etc: “His self-importance got the best of him long ago, and he became really difficult.” “If this rivalry is bad now, just wait till boys get involved!” “MY BABY WILL BE A GENIUS” “No man will marry or tolerate a jealous diva for long” “the plastic-surgery scars hidden behind his ears” “She’s rude and disrespectful” “She’s always rude to them” “No dowdy maternity jeans here!” “multitasked after a trip to Target” “Are all scientists this sexy?” “Ice, Ice, Bieber!” “hung out with showgirls” “to matrimony and beyond!” “She wants to know who he’s with and who he’s talking to at all times” “All his downtime goes to comics and Molly hates it” “a case of the controlling crazies!” “still gets to enjoy his fun addiction” “calls him her hubby” “lovely, vaguely exotic eyes.”
Marriage Takes Work: Ben Affleck’s remarkably honest Oscars speech thanking his wife, Jennifer Garner, for “working on our marriage” inspired a list of other stars who’ve opened up about the difficulty of maintaining a serious long-term relationship. Giuliana and Bill Rancic admit they “put our marriage first and our child second.” Gwyneth Paltrow has admitted “I think you do fall in and out of love, and you just keep going.” Imagine if she’d gotten married to Ben Affleck. Would Chris Martin have ended up with Jennifer Garner? Pink (married to motocross dude Carey Hart) almost got divorced and says “Marriage is difficult. He still annoys the shit out of me, but he’s still here.” Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon have one of the longest-running marriages in Hollywood, having made it 24 years thus far. Bacon’s advice? “Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.” Everybody cut, everybody cut!
Connie Britton: “I don’t have a Twitter feed, but I’m told my hair does.”
Zooey Deschanel Loves Jennifer Lawrence: “I kind of really liked that Jennifer Lawrence fell down. It was like, clumsy girls rule!”
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth: Even after the rumors of Hemsworth openly flirting (and possibly sucking face) with January Jones and Emma Watson, Miley maintains that the young couple are very much still engaged. “When Liam’s not with Miley, his Australian side comes out,” which is code for his hard-drinking, rabble-rousing, womanizing side. He was spotted in a car with January Jones leaving the Chateau Marmont, and onlookers say “they were openly making out.” Haters blame Miley’s drastic haircut and new “wild child” image, but come on, this isn’t Miley’s fault. Is it a “rough patch” or the end for the couple? “Time will tell.”
Kim Kardashian on Pregnancy Dressing: “I’ve been finding it difficult.” We noticed.
Why Tina Fey Won’t Host the Oscars: “For a woman, just the amount of dresses you would have to try on. That’s the deal-breaker. I’m out.” WEAR A TUX, TINA!
Matthew Fox’s Daughter Won’t Watch Lost: “She’s given up on it. I have a theory. It coincided with when Harry Styles and Taylor Swift broke up.”
Jake Johnson on New Girl’s Nick & Jess: “I think it would be funny if they had a one-night stand or tried dating and it failed.”
Misc/Etc: “Hell hath no fury like a Bachelor contestant scorned!” “It looked youthful” “seethed the professional organizer” “turned to booze to numb herself” “flying in the mountains at night with low clouds” “My favorite singer is Prince” “I wouldn’t have sex either. I would just look at that glorious landscape.” “a brood of dirty-clothes-makers living under the stairs.” “throwing white confetti in the air and laughing!” “an underwater ham” “Diane Keaton has said she is ‘enchanted’ by dog Emmie” “biting a flauta” “She’s been feeling the age [difference].” “He just saw a woman who is a lot of fun.” “I love social experiments!” “OTHER HOT NEW MOMS” “They were slimy!”
Drake’s Bachelor Pad: It’s in the West Valley, cost $8 million, and “boasts a wine cellar, screening room with a concession stand, game-room, grotto, tennis and volleyball courts, an 80-foot waterslide and a mechanical bull in the backyard!” That still won’t fill the empty space inside you, Aubrey!
Holly Madison: “This might sound gross, but I’m planning on having my placenta turned into pills.”
Paula Deen on Losing Weight: “You’ll find your chin in your lap. Loose skin has to go somewhere, doesn’t it?”
Marc Anthony’s 21-Year-Old Girlfriend: “Marc and his new girlfriend, Topshop heiress Chloe Green, spent a family-style day at Disneyland with his twins.” She stars in the U.K. reality show Made in Chelsea and is two years younger than Marc’s oldest daughter, Ariana, and “four years younger than Casper Smart, the boy toy of Marc’s ex Jennifer Lopez.” Anthony has known Green since she was a teenager. Gross!
Beyoncé’s Horrible Shoes: She commissioned “white wedge kicks” from shoe designer PMK, made from “the skins of exotic animals like stingray, ostrich, anaconda and crocodile.” Who run the world? Whoever has the most money! Gross!
More on Miley & Liam: “Miley’s always felt that Liam is so talented, so hunky that a woman could easily steal him. That insecurity is always with her. And along came January. She kept saying to Liam, ‘You’re so handsome.’ But what about Liam’s very public [commitment] to Miley?” AND WHAT ABOUT HENRY FRANCIS, BETTS? “Whatever January wants, January gets. She doesn’t care if a man is with someone else or not.” She is named after a Jacqueline Susann character (January Wayne from Once Is Not Enough,) after all.
Joan Rivers: “Everything I wear is vintage, which is another word for ‘old.'” Also: “Online dating is the village square of the 21st century.”
Has Plastic Surgery Ruined Their Looks? Yes, mostly. Joan Rivers, you’re still fine.
Misc/Etc: “THE FAT JOKE THAT BROUGHT HER TO TEARS” “dramatic red lips age you!” “It was a very unique experience to sort of do nothing” “This is cathartic to me” “his hot-papa physique” “Adam is happily married with kids!” “a boatload of bikini-clad beauties” “Even her skates are sexy!” “performs a local kneeling dance and makes donuts” “So she’s constipated a lot!” “I now enjoy the escape of making yourself pretty” “because she’s crazy insecure” “chowing down on garlic bread and chatting up the locals” “She liked the attention” “fidgety and uncomfortable” “sparked infidelity buzz” “You can’t stay a certain age, so it’s silly to try” “frumpy skirt and sensible shoes” “no jail for tanning mom” “Mischa Barton (Marissa) starred in Lifetime’s Cyberstalker.”
Violet Affleck: Ben Affleck’s daughter “won first prize at a spelling bee (which Daddy attended” just hours before his film Argo won best picture at the Academy Awards.” Violet Affleck is adorable and will probably (hopefully) run Hollywood someday.
Michelle Williams Is Single and Chill: “Unless she was putting on a brave face, Michelle seemed relatively unfazed by the recent breakup of her yearlong romance with Jason Segel.” Can somebody check up on Jason Segel please? How are the Muppets?
Heather Graham & Moby: Tell me again. Can we be lovers and friends?
Matthew McConaughey on Magic Mike: “There were week-long talks about the right thong.” Good job. You picked the perfect one.
So Wait, Is Sean The Bachelor Really a Virgin? “Sean is not a virgin. He actually had sex once in college, and since then he has decided to embrace his religion and wait for marriage.” Oh, OK, so he’s a guy who’s had sex one time. Mystery solved! “While he might be abstaining from bedroom activity, he makes up for things by making out!” Again, set this guy up with Taylor Swift; they might be the only mates for each other.
Misc/Etc: “He has a lot of gay friends back from when he was a fitness model, and he loves that he is considered a gay sex symbol!” “They’re working hard at their marriage, like they’ve always done, but now that the awards season is over, it’s time to get back to reality” “Pink is never lonely” “Andy Dick? Really?” “guess who’s sleeping in the guest room?” “like any marriage, they have their moments” “got fans excited by doing a little Party Rock dance” “one of these two svelte spouses” “Every day with my girls is a dream” “LIVING WITH YOUR EX” “She really is the true definition of the long-suffering wife” “a necessary evil in the film business” “a fight over his beard” “she’s on her own dealing with the kids while he goes off and does whatever the hell he wants.”