So, MTV is killing Jersey Shore. The network announced today that the show’s sixth season, which premieres October 4, shall be its last upon this earth. Considering that’s six TV seasons squeezed into three human years, we shouldn’t really feel too bad about what’s happening here. MTV squeezed all it could out of this damn thing, and will continue to explore its ancillary squeeze opportunities with a second season of Snooki & JWoww. (The Pauly D Project, the other Jersey Shore spinoff, is not likely to return.) The overexposure worked for longer than anyone would have guessed. But all things end: As Variety explains, “Ratings for the last few seasons have been declining, and the cabler decided to make the announcement five weeks before the final season so it can market it as the last, hoping that viewers who may have turned away will return to say goodbye.”
Look — this is a time not to respond rationally, but emotionally. Sure, Jersey Shore has mutated and deformed, becoming an oft-unseemly beast, a hollow shell of itself and the carefree whimsy it once provided with ease. But what was, at least once, a true and dear friend is saying good-bye. So go on. You don’t have to be strong; not right now. Let those tears go. Let them roll down your deeply bronzed cheeks until they pool in the soft cotton of your neon-colored novelty tank top.
Now, though — now we start to worry. From the very first episode of Jersey Shore, anyone paying attention could have predicted a dark and twisted future for these fast-burn reality starlets. The Situation, making a hasty retreat into rehab, has already beaten everyone to the punch. And that’s before the show even went off the air! Now that most of these people don’t have jobs?! I am terrified for all of them. Seriously, guidos, don’t drink and drive. Call me if you need to and I’ll come pick you up. I don’t care how late it is.