Yesterday afternoon, Morrissey appeared to be barely off his death bed. A troubling bit of bleeding ulcer, he explained in wondrously-stereotypical Moz fashion, was forcing him to cancel shows: “For those scholars who are heatedly curious, my ulcer is now under reins, even if neither asleep nor dead, but the continued cause for concern is a slightly embarrassing absence of blood — most of which the bleeding ulcer relieved me of.” (Also: “Even death can be used as a springboard.”) (And, also: “Whatever happens, I love you.”) By the end of the day, though, things were certainly looking up: Morrissey announced that, presumably by utilizing the full might of his endless wryness and aged-but-no-less-effective come-hither ennui, he’d managed to convince the Staples Center to — for the first time ever — go full vegetarian on all concession stands and vendors, when he plays the venue on March 1st.
Morrissey’s been campaigning for animal rights for eons (I mean, that one Smiths album wasn’t called Meat Is Delicious, now was it?), and this seems like a nice tidy latter-day win for our dude. There’s a bit of a precedent now, too, in that Coachella offered him the same deal if he reunited the Smiths. Extra baller points: supposedly, Paul McCartney asked for the same thing, but was denied; also, in a press release, all Morrissey had to say was “I don’t look upon it as a victory for me, but a victory for the animals.”
Practically speaking, what this means is if you wanna be munching on a Quarter Pounder right as Moz and his band kick into “Shoplifters of the World Unite” in L.A. on March 1, you’re going to have to sneak that delicious sandwich into the venue in your underpants. But there may also be reverberations beyond. It’s now time to ask: Did anyone clear this with Kobe?
I mean, I don’t know exactly how in tune Bryant was to the stuff coming out of Manchester in the mid-80s, but eventually he’s gonna find out about this, right? (DeAndre Jordan will probably be the one to tell them. DeAndre Jordan is almost definitely really into the Smiths). And how is he gonna feel about some dude that wasn’t even a Beatle making star demands in his own building? I feel like there’s only two ways it could play out: (A) Kobe sulks and bans even the most cursory of mentions of Bona Drag in the locker room, or (B) Kobe follows suit, and starts making crazy star food-demands for the Staples Center too, just to see what he can get away with. If we see an All Burgers Made Out of the Succulent Beef of the Wild Elks of the Himalayas Night at Staples before the season’s over, you can blame Moz.